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-   -   Unsure of how to move forward (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44042)

Butterfly83 04-03-2013 02:36 AM

Unsure of how to move forward
Hi all,

So, my husband has the desire for a triad, in that he has a new lover whom shows a desire to join us. It has shed light on a lot of personal insecurity suppressed within me, and also on the connection that I have with my husband, that has changed a lot over the years, with post natal depression being a big contributor to this. I have taken space for myself to rediscover who I am, with the realisation that our connection (my husband and I) is what it is right now and that I do not want to leave him, but am just at a time in my life where I need to take time to feel better about myself. His connection with her is evidently new and exciting and I'm not really sure how to define boundaries. Should I just leave them at it? I don't feel as though I have much to offer the dynamic, although it would be nice to form a connection with his lover, even though there is a lot of jealousy coming through for me (for the first time in our relationship). Our experience with polyamory is fairly limited, and I find myself wondering how polyamory works when there are issues with the marriage connection. Any concerns I share with my husband are seen as problems, and he just gets frustrated with me, and then I find myself comparing our connection to the connection he has with her, and generally feeling pretty crap about myself. I identify as polyamorous, and do not want my marriage to be over, and just wondering if others have experienced similar situations, and how they moved through them.

GalaGirl 04-03-2013 02:52 AM

Doesn't sound to me like you WANT to be in a triad with him and his lover.
Could just state your willingness. Like... "Thanks, for asking. But but no thanks. I have enough going on with postnatal depression and being in a "V" here with you as the hinge and your lover as my metamour. At this time I'm not willing to change to a triad model."

It also sounds to me like you would like to address things in the marriage. Which is a separate mini relationship tier inside the greater polyship. For the polyship at large to fly straight, all the mini relationships inside need to be healthy. Welcome to polymath.

What sorts of things are problems? You meantion jealousy. Could any of this help bring things to his attention in a constructive way?



Butterfly83 04-03-2013 03:00 AM

The issues I think just come from poor communication patterns and an unequal balance of power that have played over a 9 year relationship, 5 year marriage, and two children later. It is easy to blame the other for these problems, but I acknowledge both of us have contributed to this dynamic. I don't feel as though it will resolve itself through counselling, but more through time and space, as I work on building my strength and personal power to meet him equally in the marriage.

GalaGirl 04-03-2013 03:08 AM

Do you get that giving your 100% is only 50% of the marriage fuel that it needs?

Because you can be all you can be. And if he's not listening and not present? The marriage is still missing the other 50%. Or if you have been emotionally absent -- and he was giving his all.... same problem.

No amount of time will solve that if BOTH people are not present in the marriage. :(


Any concerns I share with my husband are seen as problems, and he just gets frustrated with me, and then I find myself comparing our connection to the connection he has with her, and generally feeling pretty crap about myself.
Are you both willing to be present in the marriage and deal with tending to its health? He could be frustrated and not being emotionally present or frustrated but still present in there with you. Which is it? I am confused. :confused:


Butterfly83 04-03-2013 03:39 AM

I acknowledge that I have been emotionally unstable, and am now seeking the help that I need. His way of dealing with my emotions has not helped, but I acknowledge he has tried hard. Regardless of all that, the love is most certainly still there, and I want it to work. With the presence of his new lover, I just feel as though I have been forced to face everything in my life that I have not faced previously. I have basically pulled away from them both, determined to do my own inner work, and doing my best to let go of any expectation.

GalaGirl 04-03-2013 05:01 AM

Ok. That's how you are on your end of it and where he has been in the past.

Where is he on his end of it in the present -- NOW?

Again -- have you talked to him to know where he is in this process at the present time? Does he acknowledge and own his end of the deal at this time? Is he willing to work with you on mending the marriage at this time? Or is he just not emotionally present to do the work required of him at this time? Or you haven't gotten that far yet -- asking him these things at all?

It's kinda hard to figure out how to support you or give suggestions for what to try at this present time when I'm not sure what your support need is and what has already been tried at this time. :confused:

So I'll just offer general encouragement then. And say that I hope you continue to sort yourself out, and then later can sort the marriage things out with him.

But the triad idea? That's just adding more work to an already full load... so I'd suggest declining the offer. Everyone has a polysaturation point -- and at this time maybe one husband and one metamour (her as his lover) is all you want to deal with.


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