My experience wiht this poly-crap!!!
i'm 57 now. And living alone.
I introduced her to the idea of poly, though I knew little of it myself, back in `01. I thought it was another name for a line marriage.
One could say this was a male midlife thing; maybe it was.
I had recently lost the best homebased biz on could ask for; all cash and carry, a few specialized vehicles for the work, and happily getting up and going out before the alarm went off at 2 AM.
i was indeed happy with my work for the first time in my life.
Then it crashed and burned totally after 9-11.
I had totally collapsed and had no desire to go back to the useless widget jobs that paid less than living wage. I did go into one of the deepest depressions I had ever been in for almost a year.
I met her in a certain group on AOL, and was in that group trying to talk a kid of 14 out of suicide when I was hardly better off myself. I was trying to remember a line from a certain song when she chimed in and finished the line; a pagan song.
We chatted afterwards for months. She finally suggested we get together, i did refuse for a while, then finally gave in. I had been weary, and my homelife was to say the least, one of sorrow and grief for a few decades. I wanted better.
I did introduce the concept-word "Polyamory" to her. She took to it like a fish in water. My big mistake!!
To make a very long story short; i left my wife of 20-odd years, we moved in together, she, the other woman, sat on her can for 5 years, we had a child, I worked, she sat in front of the computer most of the time...
... and after five years i weakened and went crazy again, doing crap i hated to keep the family together. I never got back into business again, and after five years and a move, I physically and emotionally collapsed yet again!!
She finally got off her ass and said ( quite clearly showing me her true meaning) "i'm gonna get a job!!";meaning she as gonna find a job and get a boyfriend; which she did the first week after she got her factory job.
...and she eventually did go having sex with him, but calling it polyamory is the wrong thing; in doing him she ignored me and our son!!
Did i mentiom I was loosing body parts at the time?? First toes, then leg, then the other leg... and so on. And ijnfections for 2 1/2 years; and from the time she started having her little 20-something yr old fuck-buddy that she called her polyamory "love" she refused to let me touch her... for four years.
Six months afterward that strated she forbid me to ever touch her again!!!
She has slapped me, beat me with a stick, and kicked me constantly, and says it never happened; she claims now that she never forbid me to touch her; and she now claims I could have had her any time I wanted; which also is a lie. She forbade me.
Not to mention she has beaten our son more and more since she started all this "poly-crap!", and no one will help me, not even the courts.
Now i'm alone, living in a small community in Tennessee. far better than some big city with all it's bullshit lifestyles. (I've seen what you're really like; you whore yourselves to the "jobs" for meaningless existances). J.O.B.: Just Over Broke. Been there, done that. you'll never make life better for anyone because you haven't a clue to the meaning of life. The high population cities are the worst thing in ongoing human history. (sorry; off my soapbox now)
All that matters to her is her fuckbuddies her girlfriend fucklbuddies, and her lies. Not me, nor our son, nor anything beyound her lies matters.
This relationship of lies lasted nine years, four of it her forbidding me to touch her, and me loosing legs and dealing with a massive total body infection, which she had no real concern over.
When I did tell this to an old guru of the polyamory thing he did agree with me; it was not poly, and I had been wronged.
He's a friend of her new poly-fuck-buddy, whom i truely do feel sorry for, having recently met him. HYe is a younger polyamory new age guru who got dissed by his wife and lost her. Now he goes round the country to all his women; his "poly-wives" while his main "wife" at home does her bi-thing. or whatever.
Did I mention i had a Heinlein book-burning??
I took all his line family and polyamory books and burned them this fall; books I had cherished for decades, including several old hardbacks of "Stranger...", "Time Enough For Love", "Number of the Beast", and let's not forget "The Moon is A Harsh Mistress"; his idea of the evolution of hippie commumnes.
I'm wondering if anyone ever noticed a certain thing about his idea of that Lunar Line Marriage: the family members would be perfectly at home in a Right Wing Republican party convention, or even a Tea Party Convention.
I no longer hope for "love" in any form of fashion; not from a woman; "love" indeed is a lie.
My children love me, and that is all love really is.
It turns out we men are just being lied to about love by the women; love is the excuse all women give for their own lusts and desires. May as well keep coming up with good pickup lines guys; we're just being bullshitted by the fems who know nothing of love, 'cept loving themselves, like the old song says.
Not even for a child.
Maybe you shouldn't have listened to everything Heinlein said in the first place.
There is a reason why that stuff is called "fiction".
Happy misogynistic Saturday.
I'm sorry for your pain. It's not hard to see how much you're hurting, and I am truly sorry.
I hope that in time you will come to see that the experience you've described is not polyamory at all. Polyamory is based in love, concern and respect for all the people concerned in the relationships involved, and if the situation is what you've described, clearly your ex has not demonstrated much respect, love or concern for you and your son.
I don't blame you for lashing out. Hurting people lash out sometimes. Some time back, Fidelio hurt my feelings pretty badly, to the extent that I walked out. During that time, I said some pretty harsh crap about men in general, although only one man in particular had hurt me. I think the kindest thing I said was, "Not all men are pigs; some of them are gay, and some of them are dead." So I know where you're coming from, BrotherMan. In my case, some hot cocoa and a long cooling-off period helped some, but the roses delivered to my door the next morning with a sincere apology really took the sting out of the injury. I'm guessing there are no roses in the offing for you, and not much possibility for the kiss-and-make-up. (Not that your ex deserves another chance anyway.) The situation stinks, and my heart breaks for you.
Be strong, BrotherMan. This too shall pass. I hope that the future holds brighter days for you.
PS: Before any of you poly-peeps start lining up jump my case in defense of the menfolk, let me just say, I LOVE men. I'm a big fan. Some of my best friends sport the Y-chromosome. Seriously. Big fan.
Thankyou for the kind response; far more than i expected; and a bit of fiction-response.
I admit to being a bit naieve' ln the matter; at the time I first read Heinlein I thought we were fighting communisim in Vietnam too. Instead it was trying to get "our" opium drug lords in power instead of the north's.
As far as "Fiction" goes: do you like watrbeds? Flatscreen V's? and your cellphone?
You might re-read that particular book :"S.I.A.S.L."; all those tools we casually use today Heinlein came up with first in that book.
Again being naieve myself: I was in the Millitary at the time.
I waited and hoped for over 35 years for this to happen in my life, including waiting, hopeing to make contact with the C.A.W., which when I found out "was" (maybe second reality, in a way from that book) and hoped to become a part of it.
All this long life I've been onm the outside looking in. For a long time that was painful, but on the other hand, without all that melarky of "being a part of "something bigger", I have seen and accomplished things that a group mind kinda person never would have seen or done - or traveled to.
Unless you're an accomplished witch or magick worker you haven't got a clue as to where I've been or what I've seen, and that being from the freedom of NOT being one of the herd.
What I lost in family and friends I made up for in communing with beings that shadow Strieber's "Communion". I found his words amusing; seeing I had "Communed" with beings far more interesting.
I found Reki amusing: I was doing that long before the term Reki came into my life; nothing new. we were doing that in Karismatic Christianity in the 70's, and better too.
I relate more to the Vedas more than the socially acceptable (no-)philosophys the mainstream indoctranates us with here; they were more real because I had seen some in my own life and that without magick mushrooms or other assisting herbs and drugs.
I relate more to "Black Elk Speaks" because we both had our first visions around 8 years old when we both had similar fever dreams, and this also started me on dreams and visions my whole life.
The term: "Thou art God" has real meaning for me. Does it you?
Terror have i known; but also great beauty. All this being a socially unacceptable loner. I have lost a great deal not being able to function in this world concept; but gained so much more.
Only one thing I deal with that I cannot totally let go of this situation: our son. He is an Indigo Child and has had to suffer the deceptions of his mother; her self-deceptions, and her thinking this is truth. He suffers from her endless lies to herself she attempts to believe as truth.
He too is a shaman. A great visionary. He sees and walks in the spirit world as I have done most of my life; he is soon to be 8 years old; and he without the fever to open that ...chakra(?), and she can not deal with that; she has no concept, not even after 20-plus years of being a "witch", and her 20-plus years of trying to be an H.P., which after nine years together I am convinced she will never truely accomplish that goal other than on a piece of paper. Which means absolutely nothing.
She will not accomplish her goals in the world either; her own mental instability will eventually appear, and she will destroy herself. Her own worst enemy. No vision, just experience in the matter.
The big difference between the two of us: I turn my back on the world williingly; she is terrified to see what IS out there.
I turn my back now on love. It has proven to be false.
If one who supposedly loves you cannot stand beside you and be a support when you really need them the most; give that extra for the emotional and physical healing when one needs to comfort the other in the relationship when one looses physical an emotiolnal support, then love is by definition, a false conception, like so many other concepts in this life. Like that Scifi you mentioned.
Now I accept that I will walk (or in my case roll) alone, and work to be at peace with that.
Mental illness is a problem that will exist whether monogamous or poly relations. Poly did not cause her mental problems. Her chemical imbalance is.
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