I've been rolling this one in my head for a while hoping it would pass, but no such luck.
How do you deal with jealousy?
My situation is sort of unique and odd an all at the same time. I am in a polyamorous relationship with an ex boyfriend. As the deal works, I only see him once every 3-4 months. He has just started a relationship with another man (he is bisexual). I was the one who suggested polyamory, not thinking that he was actually in a relationship; I thought he was seeing someone casually. Once we met up, I realized how serious things were between him and this guy. They talk every night, and text each other like crazy. Our relationship is not that way. I"m not sure why; just after we broke up, we just kept reconnecting. I realized that even though others come and go, I wanted him to be a permanent staple. I was okay with this arrangement until I realized he was in love with someone. I'm hoping its NRE, but I don't know.
Before I suggested poly, I read up on it a great deal, talked with people I knew who were into it. Jealousy was something I was worried about, because I know myself. After much thought and consideration, I delved in thinking I would be ok. I was with my ex last weekend, and while there, found out that his boyfriend would be visiting him the following weekend. I tried to focus on our time together, which was amazing, and wouldn't have it any differently. But now, today, knowing that his boyfriend is going to be visiting him this weekend (they live 2 hours away from each other while I am 4 hours away and can't make the trek as freely as his boyfriend can) I can't concentrate. I know being with this guy is what he really wants since he leans closer to men then women. I'm afraid that he's going to fall in love, and I won't be allowed back for a visit. I voiced my opinion last time we were together and we talked about, but it was only later that I realized we didn't resolve anything. By that I mean, my invitation for February/March is free floating and has not been finalized or voiced.
The other person is not aware of me, because of the relationship they have. Before we call it cheating, let me clear it up ;it is because of my ex's circumstances. He's never had a mm relationship before and most of the guys he's met have not taken to kindly to this. When he met this guy (they met online) he told him the truth, but since we weren't together at that time, he didn't mention it when we did decide to try sleeping together again. He plans to tell his new partner, eventually (I've told him I won't come back if he doesn't) but now I feel my threats are empty, because I"m the one who does not want to let go and lose this great relationship.
Not sure what to do. I'm panicking and making a mess of myself. I want to control my fears, just believing that come February he will want me to come see him. The other part of me is scared shitless, terrified that come February that he will decide he wants a monogamy and then I won't be able to come back.
There are links to threads about jealousy and lots of other useful topics here:
Cheating is cheating and that is what he is now doing on this man. The explanation of why it isn't is bullshit to me. Cheating is lying to a lover about sleeping and being deeply involved with another. He is doing this and therefore cheating in my books.
It really is a tell tale sign of how much he cares and loves you and him if he can't be honest with him and wants to hide you. He doesn't sound very committed to the idea of either of you... just fucking perhaps? I wouldn't trust that there is any other intent really.
The foundations of poly, as far as I am concerned are integrity, honest communication, respect and empathy. To me, if a person does not hold true to one of these, then they are not ethically non-monogamous and not worth investing in. At least if this is a constant occurrence anyways. This man is not acting on any of these foundations and I would wonder if he is worth your time. you could do better.
I understand that he is concerned that he might lose this guy, but this guy will leave when he finds out, or at the very least blow up as he is being cheated on. Why would you want to bring that kind of thing on yourself? That just sucks. Would you want someone to do that to you? Does this man not deserve to be respected, to have honest communication, to have you both put yourself in his shoes and do you not want to act with integrity?
I think that rather than worrying about your jealousy you have bigger issues to think about with this. I think you should promote all sitting down together and talk it out. Come out with what is going on for you, listen to what is going on for this ex of yours and most of all, find out who this new guy is, get to know him, create a friendship with him and a metamour love that is honourable.
Then think of what makes you jealous. Chances are, after all of that, the issues will of changed and there will be other focuses.
Well, the best way to 'deal' with jealousy is the same tactic you use to deal with most other negative feelings.
Education & understanding.
If you can TRULY understand the biological roots of jealousy (fear) you can more easily develop strategies to keep it in check.
It won't happen overnight.
It won't happen without effort and some pain.
But it CAN happen and has wide implications for how you manage life's ups & downs in the future. Living in fear all the time takes a toll on our mental and physical health, just compounding the problem.
Research the biological foundations of jealousy, understand it, and work hard to banish it from yourself. It's well worth the effort.
Gotta agree with Red on this one. Cheating is cheating. How would you like it if you weren't the only woman he was sleeping with? How do you know you aren't? See, when he lies to one person, it's very easy to lie to others. Once that trust is broken, how do you believe what he's telling you. If he hasn't told his bf about you, has he not told you about anyone else?
I don't mean to plant the seed of doubt, but I want to show how serious him not telling his bf about you is.
Now, on to the jealousy aspect. Grounded hit the nail on the head. Find out why you're jealous, where it comes from, and you'll be able to come up with a plan of attack when those feelings hit. The wonderful thing about our feelings and emotions is that we can control them. Sure they may creep up from time to time, but it's up to you to stop them and not to let them get any bigger/worse.
You are right, I know your right
I suggested poly to him, and the more I think about it, I think he's looking for something else. Our conversations do not line up with anything I asked him to read about. Seems more like he was looking for a side gf. He keeps saying he didn't want a relationship with either of us but from his actions and his words, I can tell he's really into this guy. He's also been incommunicado so far this weekend which is what he did with me, while I was there. I can't call this poly. I think what I have on my hands is fuck buddy situation. So back to the drawing board. I'm sure the perfect couple for me is out there somewhere.
Personally I do not believe Jealousy exists. Jealousy is only Fear and Ignorance competing for space in your brain.
What will I do if he/she leaves me?
It will hurt so bad if I lose him/her.
I don't want to lose everything we have worked for so long.
I don't want my trust to be broken.
Does he/she love still love?
Does he/she love her/him more tham me?
What will happen to our children?
Does he/she still trust me?
Simple, honest Communication is the only way to deal with Fear and Ignorance in a relationship. Tell each other your fears, ask the hard questions, don't expect easy answers, be prepared for change. Change is always a bit scary but change is also the only constant in this world.
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