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-   -   I'm Lauren (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=44)

Dysnomia 02-15-2009 04:13 PM

I'm Lauren
 
I'm not poly but my husband is...I'm here to find peace with it and understanding. I love him and am willing to do or try anything to keep our relationship from falling apart because of this. I don't understand polyamory and he is new to it as well.

Please help me understand how a relationship like ours might survive.

marlboronwench 02-15-2009 04:28 PM

hi lauren also new to this and trying to work our way through it. hope we are all able to find the answers we are lookiing for. good luck.

Dysnomia 02-15-2009 05:00 PM

Thanks. I'm trying to find other support groups online. Do you have any suggestions?

marlboronwench 02-15-2009 05:25 PM

still looking for information ourselves, see which ones are good and bad. will post some later

hopefuldrew 02-15-2009 06:42 PM

Hi Lauren
 
Hi Lauren,

Thanks for saying hi on my post too.

I think your husband and I have some things in common. So maybe I can help you some, I would at least like to try. Just so you know, I love my wife very much (always have and will), but I did fall very much in love with a close friend. My wife, like you, is not poly, and also was not comfortable with me having anything more than a friendship with my friend. But I was in denial, I lied, I became detached, and oh boy… I really hurt all of us. I regret so much…

I am not sure from your brief hello, but I am assuming that you are not totally comfortable with him doing whatever it is he wants to do right now, but that you also feel some stress that if you don’t give a little, that your relationship is in trouble. Oh boy, be careful about saying yes to something you are less than comfortable with. Please read my note to blackdog from today (under the “new to polyamory” section of this site). There is nothing wrong with you for how you feel. NOTHING! Do not feel bad if you are insecure, scared, jealous… or whatever. You are normal. But do not encourage or allow him to blow off any of the feelings you have, as they are your real feelings about it. I highly reccommend reading some of the many books out there on the subject. One of them is “Open” by Jenny Block, and another is “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino (don’t let the steamy stuff in the beginning throw you, this book is helpful about relationships). For me, having been through what I have been through, and feeling very lonely in it, these books have helped so much. For you, I think they will give you some insight. But also, I have been happily surprised how much they are supportive of you (one who feels happy with monogamy), as I have been suspicious of so much.

But you need to make sure you are both brutally honest about everything that you believe, feel and need. Like, are you both 100% committed to each other? And if that is the case, your relationship needs to be the priority first. You both need to feel good about what either of you do. That is a very important bottom line. And as my wife found out so horribly, don’t trust that because he loves you that he will always be able to make the right decision.

I hope this helps for a start. I would be happy to talk more. Please ask questions.

Best wishes and let's talk,

Drew

AutumnalTone 02-16-2009 02:01 AM

Oh, boy...that's not a good situation.

I'll suggest grabbing a copy of Tristan Taormino's new book "Opening Up" and reading it. It describes nonmonogamy of most every sort and also has good discussion of the situation in which you find yourself. I think reading that would provide you with a good grasp of the issues so that you can then discuss the situation with us cogently.

In the meantime, ask your husband for time to wrap your head around the whole concept. Both of you need to understand what it involves before deciding what to do.

Keith 02-21-2009 10:01 PM

I would also suggest reading this page: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html

Its kind of a FAQ of sorts for people who don't know much about polyamory. And the information is free :D

MonoVCPHG 06-19-2009 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hopefuldrew (Post 128)
Hi Lauren,

Thanks for saying hi on my post too.

I think your husband and I have some things in common. So maybe I can help you some, I would at least like to try. Just so you know, I love my wife very much (always have and will), but I did fall very much in love with a close friend. My wife, like you, is not poly, and also was not comfortable with me having anything more than a friendship with my friend. But I was in denial, I lied, I became detached, and oh boy… I really hurt all of us. I regret so much…

I am not sure from your brief hello, but I am assuming that you are not totally comfortable with him doing whatever it is he wants to do right now, but that you also feel some stress that if you don’t give a little, that your relationship is in trouble. Oh boy, be careful about saying yes to something you are less than comfortable with. Please read my note to blackdog from today (under the “new to polyamory” section of this site). There is nothing wrong with you for how you feel. NOTHING! Do not feel bad if you are insecure, scared, jealous… or whatever. You are normal. But do not encourage or allow him to blow off any of the feelings you have, as they are your real feelings about it. I highly reccommend reading some of the many books out there on the subject. One of them is “Open” by Jenny Block, and another is “Opening Up” by Tristan Taormino (don’t let the steamy stuff in the beginning throw you, this book is helpful about relationships). For me, having been through what I have been through, and feeling very lonely in it, these books have helped so much. For you, I think they will give you some insight. But also, I have been happily surprised how much they are supportive of you (one who feels happy with monogamy), as I have been suspicious of so much.

But you need to make sure you are both brutally honest about everything that you believe, feel and need. Like, are you both 100% committed to each other? And if that is the case, your relationship needs to be the priority first. You both need to feel good about what either of you do. That is a very important bottom line. And as my wife found out so horribly, don’t trust that because he loves you that he will always be able to make the right decision.

I hope this helps for a start. I would be happy to talk more. Please ask questions.

Best wishes and let's talk,

Drew

I quoted this whole comment because it is some of the best advice I have heard when relating to the introduction of polyamory into a historically monogamous relationship. My only addition is to be in acceptance if the end result is that you can't be healthy and happy within your relationship. Each of you needs to honour your own nature to flourish.

I hope you both find your way and thrive:)


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