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-   -   Something More (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4399)

marksbabygirl 12-03-2010 11:05 PM

Something More
 
Something More

The past 4 months have been an incredibly gut-wrenching, painful journey for me. There are fractures in what I thought was a solid, un-breakable marriage. My sex drive is at an all time low.

I've learned some things though.

I've learned that I have a LOT of work to do on myself. The idea that my husband can love someone else terrifies me to the core. I know where that fear comes from - and the work to overcome that fear is going to be immense - it stems from my early childhood, reinforced by various situations and people right up to and including my husband's actions recently.

I am fascinated by what I am reading on the facebook group. The ideas about non-violent communication, scarcity vs abundance, how to be a wholehearted person, the processes of learning to own your feelings and being responsible for them ... hmmm now that I think about it - its mostly stuff RP posts. It all challenges me to think, to re-evaluate who I am and what I believe.

I keep reading even though it causes me anxiety. I have learned that those things that cause me anxiety are issues I need to work on.

I don't know where we'll go in terms of other relationships... and right now - I don't want a direction. I choose to stay around the poly forums because I find the information here invaluable for my own personal growth.

MonoVCPHG 12-05-2010 06:24 PM

Thanks for the update my friend. Take care and I hope the learning continues and leads to happiness for you and all you care about :)

marksbabygirl 12-09-2010 10:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 54542)
There is a reason that sledgehammers are reserved for demolition:p. Ever try to bend a piece of wood? It is a sloooow process that can take days and it may require extra encouragement, such as steam, water, clamps, etc. making minor adjustments as you go. Bend it too fast and it will break and splinter.

This.

We bent too fast.

I get frequent texts from P. I am ok with that, because before she and W got together, we had been forging a friendship. Except I'm sorta not because it feels like the texts are just for me to be a go-between so she can keep in contact with W until he is ok with talking to her again.

I spend a lot of time on two issues:

1. Shoulding. I should be this, I should feel that, I should be ok with this, I should be emotionally that. It leaves me feeling less than and inadequate.
2. Chameleon. I am a chameleon and I need to find out who *I* am and what *I* want.

Ever watch the movie Runaway Bride with Julia Roberts & Richard Gere? She conformed herself to each of her different partners only to run away at the wedding because it wasn't who she was or what she wanted but didn't know how to express that. She ended up in her apartment alone, having cooked eggs 6 different ways because she didn't know what kind she liked and wanted to try them.

That's how I feel. I need to sit alone for a while trying out this or that to see which one *I* like.

I know W is poly. He's not willing to go through the pain and stress we went through (it had physical ramifications) again - so for him - he's going to remain happily monogamous. I think that if we were to get ourselves sorted, it would end up being ok for both of us.

I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people - but uncomfortable with poly considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years... I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.

Its all fixable, but like I said, I feel like I am a chameleon right now. I need to get to the root of who *I* am. I think there's someone pretty awesome in there. But she's buried deep.

SNeacail 12-09-2010 11:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl (Post 55391)
I think about being poly. I am still interested in other people - but uncomfortable with poly considering how badly it broke my marriage. For the first time in over 11 years... I don't have a wedding ring indent on my finger. I have considered moving into the spare room while we sort out what broke between us.

((hugs))

I'm willing to bet that it wasn't poly that broke your marriage, instead it probably brought to the forefront other issues that were previously being ignored or dismissed.

I don't really have experience with poly yet, but was inches from divorce back in July. I discovered an affair again... I completely flipped out. 3 days later, I called and made an appointment with a marriage councelor. Things between us have changed so drastically that we aren't even on the same planet we were on before. Sex with other people was not what broke our marriage. The inability to communicate to each other did. I don't think we could have fixed this on our own, we needed that objective third party.

My husband and I have been married for 19 years and have been harboring resentments and disapointments for almost that long, but we didn't even realize it. For most of our marriage, we were just existing.

marksbabygirl 12-11-2010 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 55396)
I'm willing to bet that it wasn't poly that broke your marriage, instead it probably brought to the forefront other issues that were previously being ignored or dismissed.

When I first saw this - I objected.... NO YOU'RE WRONG!! And spent time composing a very long post as to WHY you were wrong, and why it was all HIS fault or HER fault and then work got in the way and I didn't hit submit because I wasn't yet happy with how it was worded.

It never got posted. I am one of those who will let something rattle around in their brain until it's *right* or until it gets sorted out - usually if it gets sorted out there's crying and tears and conversations involved...

And this morning there was.

And I realized that I've been looking at a lot of this bass-ackwards.

Yes, there were some behaviours that I REALLY didn't like coming from the two of them. Yes, I mostly understood that it was NRE and logically I could see that eventually it would get sorted out and get better.

What I couldn't see, in the pain/anxiety/stress/panick, was my part in everything.

There are things, that, had we never ventured into poly, would never have come to the light, so in that respect, yes... poly broke us.

But the fact that those things WERE brought to light was a good thing. We can fix those things now. And if we venture out into having other relationships again.... we'll be better equipped to handle things.

SNeacail 12-11-2010 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl (Post 55538)
But the fact that those things WERE brought to light was a good thing. We can fix those things now. And if we venture out into having other relationships again.... we'll be better equipped to handle things.

For many years (most of my marriage) there were little things that bugged me and I'm not even sure I would have been able to point a finger at exactly it was. I just lived with it and thought I had no choice, that was part of marriage. Then everything came crashing down in a big way. It wasn't until we started seen the marriage councelor that we discovered what exactly some of these other issues were and how it contributed to undermining our marriage. His actions would fuel my actions and vice versa, rarely with positive results.

Sometimes it's the small things that do the most damage so when that last thing is added everything comes toppling down with catastrophic results.

My biggest regret was that it took so long to realize what needed fixing and how to go about doing it.

((Hugs)) and best wishes.

marksbabygirl 12-16-2010 06:18 PM

I am learning to keep myself out of things that don't involve me.

I am frustrated and irritated.

P has been texting me, keeping in touch, and I'm ok with that. Even with the texts having a tone of being primarily to keep a line of contact with him.

I *thought* we were on our way to being friends before, during and even after.

So whatever.

She texts me and asks me how *I* feel about her contacting him. I'm like, well, I'm somewhat apprehensive, fairly scared about the feelings between the two of you flaring up and taking over a friendship. And he needs more time. So not right now.

I had shared every single text with W. Asked him what he thought. How he felt. He said "I need more time"

Ok.

I was hesitant to tell her that - because the theme of the issues when they were together was that I was irrational, unreasonable and controlling. So... I figured that if it came from me... that's the thought process that would happen again.

Sure enough.

So my text about he needs more time and I am uncomfortable was read as "Jane has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't want us to be in contact"

And now I'm irritated.

Not because she chose to read it wrong - but because she chose to text him anyhow, and it upset him.

But its none of my business. Their relationship (or non-relationship) is none of my business. And I have finally (with the help of a really awesome lady) figured that out.

The only thing that's my business is how it affects me or my children. And it doesn't.

W will make his decisions about when/where/how he'd like to communicate with her again... and if she wants to be friends with me, I'm still open to that. But I'm taking back my stress levels... this is not my buisness.

I wish I'd learned that sooner. :p :eek:

Livingmybestlife 12-16-2010 07:18 PM

Jane,

I think your being incredibly graceful. I am so glad you decided to share your journey with us again.

Thank you,

LMBL

Derbylicious 12-16-2010 10:19 PM

It's hard to stay out of someone's relationship (or non relationship) when one of the parties concerned is someone you're invested in. I imagine that it's even worse if you're invested in both parties in the relationship. Your concern needs to be on your relationship with W. It's up to him to communicate with you how things are with him and when he's ready to resume communication with P and what that communication will look like. It's your responsibility to continue being open about how you feel with him and what you need from him. It isn't your responsibility to act as messenger between the two of them.

-Derby

SNeacail 12-16-2010 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl (Post 56025)
Their relationship (or non-relationship) is none of my business. And I have finally (with the help of a really awesome lady) figured that out.

The only thing that's my business is how it affects me or my children. And it doesn't.

W will make his decisions about when/where/how he'd like to communicate with her again... and if she wants to be friends with me, I'm still open to that. But I'm taking back my stress levels... this is not my buisness.

I wish I'd learned that sooner. :p :eek:

Good for you!


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