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-   -   how do you deal with..... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43984)

xtrememousey 04-02-2013 03:53 AM

how do you deal with.....
differences in major areas like libido, schedule and temperment?

wife#2 is a planner, hubby and i are not. she has a higher libido than i do and they have 3x more naked time than he and i do. he and i have 2 kids together and we take our time when we can but that's not always possible because she has asked for some time 6-8 hours before i know if i'm going to be able to have a few moments (depending on kids).

for example.....we had set up some time on saturday and she wanted him one weekend night, so no problem right? wrong.....our 7 month old was up until 6:30a sunday morning and i ended up passing out with the baby because i had been up for 20 hours or so straightso he waited for me and it never happened but he didn't go to her either.....fast forward to sunday and she has to work monday morning and be up at 5:30a and he was just going to go wake her up but lo and behold i had 2 sleeping boys at 2:30a and we had a few minutes and could have had some time.....

do these things just work themselves out?

GalaGirl 04-02-2013 04:22 AM

Sex in general:

Are you getting what you want/need?

Sex with babies in the home:

Those baby years where all people in the house dance to the tune of the wee one(s) care needs? It won't be forever that they are wee.

Talk about sex needs with kids this age in the home with your people.

It may help to have a scheduled time for OPPORTUNITY. If sex actually happens in the window of opportunity, great. If not, you created a window at least. Chat instead and have heart to heart intimacy. Or mind or soul intimacy. Wait til the next window to have body intimacy via sex.

Talk about supporting each other in creating those windows. Could be offering to take turns watching the kids, adjusting sleep schedules, meal schedules, showering together -- whatever has to happen to create opportunity moments for intimacy shared -- body, heart, mind or soul share.

Then for the "in between" moments where it is more catch as catch can... let it be that way with whoever it happens to catch.


Matt 04-02-2013 04:23 AM

Things might level out once your son gets older, but if I'm not mistaken, she's pregnant and due in December? I remember your intro. That means it will be a little harder to schedule. Flexibility is a must. Planning with kids is always tricky. I wish I could offer more insight. Hang in there and let her know that it's never intentional. I'm sure she'll understand and be flexible. The schedule could be tentative with the option of a raincheck if something unexpected happens.

BoringGuy 04-02-2013 06:33 AM

srsly this is just reality. today is only one day. there will be more. just chill out. other parts of your life don't get put on pause just because OMG we haz teh poly relat'nshp OMG. what would you think it would be like ANYWAY with a baby and one on the way.. I don't even HAVE kids and even I can see that.

OTOH, if your partner is ignoring you and treating you like you're in the way but has sexy-time with the other one that's not cool either. But look within yourself. the answers are already there.

xtrememousey 04-02-2013 09:05 AM

gala girl- usually yes.....all parties are taken care of. the sex thing is just frustrating on occasion because it's not the first time that has happened. for the most part we are flexible in so many things.

Matt....yeah, she is due in December so it's about to get even harder.

boring guy - it's not about the sex itself, it was the complication of being on opposite schedules. that's why it was a "for example". we are not all OMG crap. a sleep routine, eating, cleaning, pet feeding, sex, getting work done.....its a myriad of things that get lost in the mix and serious adult interaction with us so it's not two against one on important stuff.....

Matt 04-02-2013 11:59 AM

Is there anyway to schedule date nights so there's adult interaction? No mention of the kids, work, the pets, etc. It would be worth it to hire a babysitter or ask relatives to watch them for a couple of hours, if they don't mind. Things will get lost in the mix. We have a son who is under 1, so I can relate. I'm no stranger to opposite schedules. Texting, lunch time Skyping, and e-mailing are important. We leave notes for each other, too. We also talk in the middle of the night or while she's pumping breast milk. Just because there's a new person in your world doesn't mean the things you used to do have to stop. Who normally feeds the dog or puts up the dishes in the dishwasher in the morning? When did you and your husband talk about important things before? Things will eventually gel, but with a new one on the way and doctor's appointments and new things being added, a course of action would be ideal. Then when those things start happening you make adjustments. If necessary, kick it old school with a chores chart. Sit down with your respective work schedules. Do it like a math problem. Common denominator = common free time or the chance to handle topics that need to be discussed. It could also be a date night. Maybe you all can help cook dinner or eat it together if you buy takeout. Talk over dinner.

They have 3x as more naked time because she doesn't have two small kids or an infant who stays up until sunrise. Who really wants to be intimate after being up 20 hours? Give it a few months when her pregnancy starts progressing and she may feel like she just can't get enough sleep or doesn't feel sexy, so she doesn't want to be touched.

Sex and intimacy with young kids around is going to be a challenge. They need things, so everyone is affected in some way. Their needs come before the wants of any adult. Know that it won't last all the time. They get older and start sleeping through the night and/or become more independent. That doesn't account for sick kids or either of you being sick so plans will always be tentative.

I'm not sure if she lives with you or not, but if not, is that an option? That alone brings a new set of problems. Personalities clash and can make living together like hell. Out of curiosity, what's the plan after the kid arrives? I'm seeing what BoringGuy means when he says he sees how things will go and he has no kids.

GalaGirl 04-02-2013 02:37 PM

I don't know what to tell you other than it is what it is and to hang in there.

Let some things GO -- totally or to other people to handle. Cleaning, cooking.... online shopping, online bill paying, crockpot/freezer meals are your friends. See if some other parent is willing to swap -- watching kids, doing chores.

If it is adult interaction in general you crave -- take the kids out to playgroups, library story time -- as much for your own mental health to alleviate cabin fever as anything else. Participate in things online where possible when babies are sleeping.

I count kids in the polymath mix. The kids needing things will be felt across all tiers. They may not be lovers, but you are still in intense relationship with them and they still take up your time.

Talk to your poly people about time management needs, and need for couple time alone and how to balance it all out to the "good enough for now" place. Because the kids will grow and the needs will change.


BSP83 04-02-2013 11:13 PM

We are working on the same...trying to schedule time for everyone to get their needs met. P and I have three kids (ages 10, 6, and 3) and S has two kids (ages 8 and 4), so we feel your pain! Luckily, her ex husband takes her kids every weekend. P also works at home and we have roommates who can babysit for us, especially when the kids are already in bed (during the week, that's when we get together...after kids go to bed. It's just easier.

Good luck to you guys! If you come up with something magical, please let us know! :)

Marcus 04-03-2013 12:53 AM


Originally Posted by xtrememousey (Post 194223)
....yeah, she is due in December so it's about to get even harder.

That's just one of the costs that come with having kids, which I'm sure you had some understanding of when you decided to have them. Me, I've had a vasectomy because I don't want a little tike keeping me up all night. You guys have chosen to go the other route *shrug*

xtrememousey 04-03-2013 09:41 AM

we do all live together. I guess the thing is that the 3 adults need some adult conversation and time and that just isn't happening. partly because of babies (and when we had them we honestly didn't see this life coming) and partly because of schedules.

Matt...we would do a lot of pillow talking to make decisions, we would lay in bed talking and connecting too. but now half the time he sleeps in her room out of necessity and we rarely have time to talk while she and I do on nights that I'm home and they talk but it just feels like "can you tell B this or he will tell me to tell M that" but you're right. it's a matter of we just have to get it together and make it happen.

I respect that some have chosen to live a child free poly life. we wanted and struggled to have our little loves and they play a huge part in any decision we make including the one to be in a poly family. thank you for those of you are speaking up with children in their mix as well.

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