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-   -   A little confused... kind of jealous... needs help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43969)

MassJ 04-01-2013 07:34 PM

A little confused... kind of jealous... needs help
Hello All,

Iím new here and have been reading for a while now and finally figured out how to word what I wanted to ask.

First of all, my wife (S) and I have been together since high school and are now both in our late-ish 30s and have an open marriage. We came about the decision to evolve into an open relationship by a healthy and mutual way (no cheating or indiscretion, just a shared draw to this new relationship format).

Our marriage has been open for a year now and in that time S has had two girlfriends. Each has made her extremely happy and has allowed her to grow this previously hidden part of herself. Itís been magnificent to watch.

My issue - if it can even be considered that - is that I've yet to have any additional partners and I find myself feeling... jealous? Insecure? Undesirable? Just plain odd!

I didn't feel this way during her first relationship as I wasn't actively looking for a partner then. And there were a couple months after that relationship ended and this current one began where everything was great. But at the beginning of this year we both decided to start looking for new people to spend time with and sheís had terrific success and I continue to strike out.

So now she has this tremendous other part of her life where I see that sheís getting a ton of pleasure and fulfillment and contrary to what I want to feel, Iím beginning to resent it.

So! My question is how do people in similar situations deal better than I am? When one partner has someone, and the other doesn't, how does the one who's alone deal with what is a - understandably non-typical - feeling of jealousy? And I know that "alone" is an incorrect term because no matter what, I have S at my side.

I want her to enjoy this relationship and get as much out of it as she can, but this has begun to affect my mood and I really don't want that. I want to be nothing but happy for her and not to have my feelings be filtered through this lens of failure Iím feeling about my own attempts at an additional relationship.

Ready... Fix me!

kdt26417 04-02-2013 12:21 AM

You seem to be experiencing jealousy stemming from envy about S's luck in finding dating partners. You'd like to find some dating partners too, but so far it's not working.

Some things you could try are:


In addition you can google "polyamory" with the name of your city or state and see what turns up.


"As for where to meet poly people, if by some chance you are interested in anything alternative like Renaissance fairs, goth culture, sci-fi conventions, indie music, bdsm, or any small fringe group, you will be more likely to meet people who have at least heard of poly and are accepting of it."
-- SpaceHippieGeek, http://polyamoryonline.org/smf/index...57394#msg57394
Even if it's not an "alternative" type group, if there's a club or something in your area that does something you're interested in, you can always join that group and it just gives you a way to get out there and meet people. If you meet someone on a platonic level and get to talking about poly, then they can decide how they feel about it without any "pressure to agree." Then if they do decide poly doesn't bother them too much, and some kind of romantic connection subsequently develops, you'll already have "had the poly conversation" with them.

Women often have better luck at finding dating partners than men, so you will need to exercise some patience. Focus on your own search and don't be too distracted by your wife's good luck.

Sorry there's no easy answers. :( Try some of the above resources, and see if it helps.

nycindie 04-02-2013 02:01 AM

What you're talking about here is as common as mud. It usually happens that the woman in an established couple has a much easier time finding partners than the man does. I feel like I've read some version of your post a hundred million times on just this forum. I'm not saying that to belittle your anguish or frustration, but just to let you know you're not alone or an oddball because of it. Not at all.

Are you trying to get out there and meet women? Have activities that you enjoy, where you can also potentially meet people? Have an online profile at OKCupid and Polymatchmaker? Not afraid to take a chance and ask women out? Looked into any poly groups in your area?

It's not a competition. And while you are thinking about all the good stuff your wife is getting from her relationships, make sure you are not approaching women with a vibe that says "where's my good stuff?" Make sure when you engage and interact with women that you are as giving as you can be, and let them know you don't just want something from them but think they would enjoy being with you for this reason and that reason.

Hang in there and don't let yourself get discouraged.

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