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-   -   Has anyone else had this trouble? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4395)

Fayerweather 12-02-2010 12:23 PM

Has anyone else had this trouble?
 
This is an issue that exists outside of Polyamory for me, but has begun raising it's head within my relationships.

My problem comes with being the one to leave. I often hang out with my bf and his other gf, but always when it's my time to stay at his apartment. She comes over for dinner and the three of us will spend hours talking and hanging out, then she goes home and I get to spend the night with him. I don't ever want to be the one that has to go home by myself.

The only time I was the one to leave, I came out to her birthday party, hung out for a while to wish her a happy one, then I left to go home, BUT, I was scheduled to head out to my other bf's house early the next morning. Somehow that took the edge off my feeling left out or abandoned.

She is lovely and kind and neither she nor my bf are aware of how tough this is for me and there is basically no issue with it outside of myself, but it nags at me. I feel as if this fear of dropping in and being the one to leave represents some sort of immaturity or deep seated fear I should probably face and get over. I'm sure the time will come when this situation arises and I don't want to be the freaked out party who causes an issue.

Does anyone else feel this way? How have you dealt with it? Thanks :)

Somegeezer 12-02-2010 12:40 PM

Doesn't really sound like something I've heard before. Maybe talk to them about it before it ever comes to that point? That way, they could make it easier for you somehow? I don't see why you can't all stay though? If she comes over for dinner whenever you're over, why can she not stay? Maybe she doesn't like having to leave either?

whatamIdoing 12-02-2010 01:08 PM

I get the feeling even if I've never been in the situation... I don't know what to tell you but my gut thinks you need to talk to them about it and not keep it to yourself.

NeonKaos 12-02-2010 01:15 PM

You should just tell them what you said here. Make it clear that it's your issue and you need to deal with it yourself, but that you thought they should know so they don't wonder what's going on. And then drop it. If they have something to say, they can say it, but it's not on them to fix it for you.

nycindie 12-02-2010 06:56 PM

You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up. The more you do it, the less daunting it will be. Maybe you'll realize it doesn't have to feel shitty, but that you can enjoy your alone time after being with people you love. Maybe not wanting to leave has something to do with fears of loneliness, or the sense that you need to hold on real tight to the good feelings you have when you're with them, and you haven't yet realized that those good feelings can still stay with you even if your circumstances shift and you are walking home by yourself.

Somegeezer 12-03-2010 12:35 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 54836)
You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up. The more you do it, the less daunting it will be. Maybe you'll realize it doesn't have to feel shitty, but that you can enjoy your alone time after being with people you love. Maybe not wanting to leave has something to do with fears of loneliness, or the sense that you need to hold on real tight to the good feelings you have when you're with them, and you haven't yet realized that those good feelings can still stay with you even if your circumstances shift and you are walking home by yourself.

Big +1 to this. Sounds like a brilliant idea.

dragonflysky 12-03-2010 01:35 AM

Well for me it sometimes triggers old feelings related to "abandonment". It's one thing if I choose to leave. It's still within my power and control. It's another if I'm the one being left or asked to leave. This is an old emotional wounding for me, but it still crops up its ugly head every now and then.

Somegeezer 12-03-2010 09:12 AM

That sounds more complicated. Personally, I just talk about how I feel to make myself feel better. But I still get feelings of being alone and stuff. I think that just human nature. Try talking about it with them. See if it makes you feel better about it.

Fayerweather 12-06-2010 07:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 54836)
You could try to test your comfort zone and keep pushing the envelope by voluntarily putting yourself in situations (with them or with other friends) where you leave by yourself and let yourself feel whatever comes up. The more you do it, the less daunting it will be. Maybe you'll realize it doesn't have to feel shitty, but that you can enjoy your alone time after being with people you love. Maybe not wanting to leave has something to do with fears of loneliness, or the sense that you need to hold on real tight to the good feelings you have when you're with them, and you haven't yet realized that those good feelings can still stay with you even if your circumstances shift and you are walking home by yourself.

Thanks for the advise. This sounds like a good idea. Bite the bullet and just put myself into the uncomfortable feelings. That's always been the way I know I should handle emotional stuff, just sometimes I shy away from it because...well...it's uncomfortable. Thanks again :)

nycindie 12-06-2010 10:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fayerweather (Post 55114)
Thanks for the advise. This sounds like a good idea. Bite the bullet and just put myself into the uncomfortable feelings. That's always been the way I know I should handle emotional stuff, just sometimes I shy away from it because...well...it's uncomfortable. Thanks again :)

Glad to be of help. I also would like to add that the fears you have are not a sign of immaturity, nor something you should already be "over." They are simply your feelings. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge your strength and maturity for taking such a close look at your inner life and wanting to deal with the discomfort. Many people never get to that point, and they live their lives in a rather stagnant state. So, good for you!


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