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-   -   Is this going Polyamorous? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43905)

btboy 04-01-2013 05:19 AM

Is this going Polyamorous?
 
Hello everyone. I am newbie here.
23 yo boy being in a relationship with my 32 yo boyfriend for nearly 5 years. we have a good communication and good relationship. EVerything was fine, until the day i found out he cheated with my bottom friend. But of course he didn't realize this. And i pretend not to know anything for the last 6 mnths. But the thought of him cheating with my friend quite bothering me. perhaps sexually. Everytime he canceled appointment suddenly, i know he lied. but then my feelings changed. Im jealous. but at the same time i have some sort of feeling that arouse me in a weird way.

Honest speaking, recently ive been fantasizing something about x rate about them. and the more i go explore into it, the more i found out that it might be pure feeling. the way to prove my affection and real sacrifice. i dont know. i just keep thinking this over. and i dont know if i have to be honest to him or not about it. i think i just feel had a crush and deeply in love with my boyfriend again, for the second time. is this something new for our relationship to explore?

thank you for sharing

GalaGirl 04-01-2013 12:55 PM

You have a lot going on there in a short post.

Love does not have to be "proven." It just is. You do not have to "endure" or "sacrifice" poor treatment of you. Love is given as a gift. The BF just either values you and your loving or he does not.

You ---(love)----> BF

does not necessarily mean

BF ----(love)----> You

so it can coexist like

You <---(love) ----> BF

Maybe he enjoys receiving your love. But what he gives you is less than loving. I would call cheating on your agreements "less than loving behavior."

That is why only "love" is not enough in a healthy relationship. There must also be "respect and consideration" of each partner. A TWO WAY street. So it can be this:

You <---(love) ----> BF

Cheating, breaking agreements between you -- is not cool. It's normal to be bothered by your partner cheating on you. You could speak up and call his behavior into account. Explain himself. Then sort it out what this means for the relationship -- changes in agreements? Changes in behavior? Change in the relationship up to and including ending it? You all figure it out between you.

But NOT speaking up when you are being lied to/hurt is not self-respecting behavior. You are in responsible for your own well being.

To be aroused by imagining your partner in sexual situations -- that's just arousal. So you are a healthy living person with sexual desires and appetites. So what? Sexual fantasy is a safe way to experience many things -- some which you may want in real life, and some which you do NOT want to have in real life. Could not confuse this arousal with ethics or healthy loving.

If you want to explore polyamory with BF, could resolve the cheating/lies/respesct/consideration behaviors first. Because he could cheat/lie and break poly agreements too.

This isn't about the shape of the relationship or how many players. This is about his conduct being trustworthy / respectful. Could resolve this problem first. Could deal with one thing at a time here.

HTH!

Galagirl

Marcus 04-03-2013 01:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by btboy (Post 194029)
Hello everyone. I am newbie here.
23 yo boy being in a relationship with my 32 yo boyfriend for nearly 5 years. we have a good communication and good relationship. EVerything was fine, until the day i found out he cheated with my bottom friend. But of course he didn't realize this. And i pretend not to know anything for the last 6 mnths. But the thought of him cheating with my friend quite bothering me. perhaps sexually. Everytime he canceled appointment suddenly, i know he lied. but then my feelings changed. Im jealous. but at the same time i have some sort of feeling that arouse me in a weird way.

Honest speaking, recently ive been fantasizing something about x rate about them. and the more i go explore into it, the more i found out that it might be pure feeling. the way to prove my affection and real sacrifice. i dont know. i just keep thinking this over. and i dont know if i have to be honest to him or not about it. i think i just feel had a crush and deeply in love with my boyfriend again, for the second time. is this something new for our relationship to explore?

thank you for sharing

Sounds like you and your BF are being dishonest with each other. He lied to you because he is apparently breaking your relationship rules (sexual exclusivity I presume), and you are being dishonest by keeping this knowledge a secret to accomplish some end.

Whether you guys are monogamous, poly, or any brand of open is exactly irrelevant. Relationships that function with layers of deceit end messily or endure painfully.

So, what I'm saying is, you are asking the wrong question:

"Are we polyamorous" is an irrelevant question to which you don't need an answer
"Am I mature enough to embark in an adult relationship" would seem to be the question you need to find the answer to.

Marcus 04-03-2013 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by btboy (Post 194029)
Honest speaking, recently ive been fantasizing something about x rate about them. and the more i go explore into it, the more i found out that it might be pure feeling.

You are confusing your sex drive with the prerequisites of being able to have a healthy polyamorous relationship. Just because a sexual fantasy makes you hot in *no way* suggests that you have what it takes to be in a functional relationship - let alone multiple functional relationships at the same time.


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