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-   -   Peace and joy and love (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4389)

Derbylicious 12-01-2010 07:51 PM

Peace and joy and love
 
Welcome to my new blog. The old one with the nervous title just doesn't seem fitting anymore. These days peace, joy and love seem like a much more apt way to describe the way I'm feeling. I'm coming to the end of quite a turbulent year. This time last year I don't think that I could have comprehended how different I would be on the inside by now.

To the outside observer my life looks very much the same but internally I have really cemented who I am and what I want out of my life. I've come to the realization that everyone deserves to be happy. The more people are happy the more of that happiness comes back to us.

I've come to see my husband's girlfriend as a gift to our relationship. Before her I had the fear that I wasn't good enough and that he was just settling for me until something better came along that he really wanted. Although the 2 of them have more in common on the surface than he and I do we have a history and we understand each other. It's kind of nice that he has someone to talk to who is into some of the same things he is in a way that I'm not. I also know now without a doubt that he loves me for me and genuinely wants to be with me.

I'm really also enjoying being a part of RP's world. She's an amazing woman and her energy draws really good people to her. I know there are times when she doesn't know where she fits in the larger poly community but I see her as someone who is holding a part of the community together. She doesn't hesitate to reach out to those who are struggling. She notices when people are in need of that emotional support and doesn't hesitate to give it. There is a diversity in our community, as in any poly community, of how people practice poly. I think that we're all pretty essential to show all the different facets of what living this life can be.

I had this fear early on that openly having other partners would screw up the kids somehow. They just take it in stride. My daughter (who's 4) understands it as "some of our friends are more like family". To me that is a beautiful statement. We're doing something right here if that's the way she feels. My son (who's 6) really couldn't care a less about what his parents do as long as they're still paying attention to him! (although for the record I'm not allowed to shave my head like Mono because it would freak him out).:D

So much to look forward to. Life is good (which is rare for me to say in the middle of winter).

peace and joy and love to all

-Derby

MonoVCPHG 12-01-2010 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 54688)
(although for the record I'm not allowed to shave my head like Mono because it would freak him out).:D

So much to look forward to. Life is good (which is rare for me to say in the middle of winter).

peace and joy and love to all

-Derby

Great post...but I think a little baldness goes a long way sometimes...errrr, that didn't sound right ;)

Derbylicious 12-01-2010 09:18 PM

What does baldness go a long way towards???:confused:

Passport 12-01-2010 09:24 PM

What a nice start to a new blog.

I love your daughter's way of looking at things. Kids are awesome in their way of adapting and adjusting.

MonoVCPHG 12-01-2010 09:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 54715)
What does baldness go a long way towards???:confused:

ummmmm...never mind :o

Derbylicious 12-06-2010 10:57 PM

I was joking the other day on facebook about liking telepathy as my favourite method of communication. It struck me just now that although I was only joking there are times that my needs aren't met simply because I don't put my needs out there to those who I need things from. Somewhere deep in my brain is the belief that "if they really loved me they would know what I need". And then there is the other thought of "if I don't tell them what I need I can't be turned down".

Putting your needs out there does put you in a vulnerable position. I don't like to think that I have needs that I can't take care of all by myself. Admitting that you have needs and desires and wants puts you in the position of being laughed at or rejected.

It's silly that all of this has just occurred to me. From this point forward I'm going to take a deep breath and allow myself to have needs and to give those I love the opportunity to fulfil those needs. (There isn't anything specific right at this moment...my brain has just been processing).

SNeacail 12-06-2010 11:26 PM

This hits very close to home for me. My husband is big on Non-Verbal communication, my problem is that I don't read his non-verbal very well or my inter-galactic translator is malfunctioning :eek:

It gave me an idea. I am going to post notes all over my house saying "This house is surrounded by an Anti-Telepathic Force Shield that blocks all telepathic powers. Please use other forms of communication, verbal and auditory are prefered."

Derbylicious 12-06-2010 11:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SNeacail (Post 55124)

It gave me an idea. I am going to post notes all over my house saying "This house is surrounded by an Anti-Telepathic Force Shield that blocks all telepathic powers. Please use other forms of communication, verbal and auditory are prefered."

That's awesome!

Derbylicious 12-11-2010 03:34 PM

We had a talk at our last poly meeting about communication and the ways in which one can chose to react to a situation. One of the things that was mentioned was denial. Well apparently I'm really good at denying something is bothering me. It all leaked out last night though.

There's something that my husband told his girlfriend months ago, before I had even met her, that concerns me and that I'm really really not proud of. The information that was shared could have some pretty severe repercussions to me if it was to make it into the hands of the wrong people. I readily admit that I made a choice and that it was the wrong choice but the knowledge of the choice that I made should have been mine to share with who I trust.

Well last night I discovered that I really wasn't over that breech of trust. There's something that I know is a secret of hers that he won't tell me. To me it seemed that my secrets were less important and were free game to be casually shared. He's right that it doesn't solve anything for him to tell me her stuff. So I've asked him to talk to her about the breech of trust and to make it clear that this is something that he shouldn't have shared with her without consulting with me first because it wasn't just his to share. I guess I need public aknowledgement that even though it might not seem like a big thing to either of them that it's huge to me.

I don't trust people easially. There aren't many out there that know stuff about me that they can hurt me with. I object to those I've never met and who I've not been given any choice in the matter being given that kind of information. Then again even if I know someone unless it's something that I'd tell them myself because I have that level of trust with them it's not something I want shared by someone else who I have trust in to keep my confidences.

I don't like fighting and I really don't like fighting about old stuff that should have been put to rest a long time ago. I didn't know that it was still bothering me until last night. I hope that I don't have a bunch of other stuff that's in there just waiting to come out. I'm exauseted from last night and I'm still feeling really fragile. I wish that I didn't pick fights it makes me feel like a bad person (I know that's not a feeling). I don't express myself rationally and I end up saying a bunch of stuff that I really don't mean. I wish that it didn't take me so long to get to the actual problem. If I could get there right away then I could do away with all the extraneous hurtful bullshit that I spew.

So now we have a solution to the actual problem but I don't know if I've caused more damage in the process. I need to learn to think before I speak. Once I'm in the heat of it I find that really hard to do. It would even be nice just to be able to recognize the root cause of the argument earlier on. I'm not getting anywhere going over this over and over in my head anymore. Time to get on with the day now.

(so much for peace and joy and love huh?)

Ariakas 12-11-2010 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Derbylicious (Post 55520)
(so much for peace and joy and love huh?)

It's still a goal for your relationship(s) right ;)...:p

Relationships take work, and trust takes even more. Bumps in the road should be expected. Intra-relationship discretion is something at the forefront of my thoughts right now too, and your post is an example of that.

I have been doing a lot of consideration of what it means and how to truly navigate what is being discreet or secretive vs giving out to much information. It is so personal to each person that a single answer just can't work. Relying on your spouse to know what should be private between you and him is a tough balance. You would hope a spouse would know what should be "private" but it just doesn't happen that way. My lovers and I have had discussions about what is open for discussion and what isn't. It never quite covers a large enough scope.

Sorry no real sage advice. But I can understand and relate :)

((hugs))


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