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-   -   Is this reasonable? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4385)

whatamIdoing 12-01-2010 03:15 PM

Is this reasonable?
 
OK most of you realize that I"m very new to this and I'm REALLY struggling with this. As is my husband. Switching from Swinging to Poly is harder than I thought... and nearly impossible for him. He SWEARS it's person specific but since this is the first time I've tried this I can't be sure... but that's background


Here's my concern... When talking to the other guy on the phone the other night (for two hours :eek: ) we talked about EVERYTHING, including how my husband is feeling about this... (he is scared for me and he is VERY Jealous)... and J said to me "I don't care how B (hubby) feels".... OUCH... I DO. B is my husband and I LOVE HIM.... I pointed out that I CARE how B feels and how B feels IMPACTS on me....therefore it might matter to J how B feels....

Do people manage to have relationships with two people who don't really want to have anything to do with the others? Sadly they know each other, they are friends or they WERE friends... I see that comfort slipping away from B and now from J too... both are on Guard. and I'm STRUGGLING


thanks for reading....

FlameKat 12-01-2010 03:19 PM

Hugs - big squeezy ones -
I hesitate to suggest that you should let them work it out for themselves... My situation is similar - just further down the exploded friendship line... be gentle with them

NeonKaos 12-01-2010 03:25 PM

I wouldn't be crazy about someone who says they don't care how my husband feels, and I wouldn't be too keen if my husband had someone who said they didn't care how I feel.

whatamIdoing 12-01-2010 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlameKat (Post 54627)
Hugs - big squeezy ones -
I hesitate to suggest that you should let them work it out for themselves... My situation is similar - just further down the exploded friendship line... be gentle with them


oh thanks I love hugs...

I am going to let them work it out. The issue is that given the natural turn of events they will only have to deal with each other face to face twice a year once for a weekend and once for a week... (and that week is what scares me and have me having nightmares of them hashing out CUSTODY of me at night..)

Of course.. J was just supposed to be NSA sex for me... and now he's talking about coming down here for weekends for gaming... OUCH... that's on B's turf during his TIME.... and normally would not be an issue as ALL are welcome for our gaming events.... but this made the hair on the back of my neck stand up... J talked like it was NSA sex and nothing involved until we started emailing.. and then the phone call cemented that he sees this as a long term thing where we will be part of each others lives but to a minimal extent. Sadly that would impact on B.... who does not want to even see J at this point...

my head hurts... I feel like the stress on B may not be worth it.

Danny40179 12-01-2010 03:29 PM

YIKES!!! Not cool of J to say that he doesn't care about Bs feelings. I'm in a triad and I don't have much experience with a V relationship, but I'm pretty sure that feelings like those aren't going to make for a healthy relationship. For anyone.

You were right on the money to put J in his place, but was that enough? Does J think that eventually you'll leave B to be with him? Unfortunately when someone makes a statement like "I don't care..." that leads me to believe that maybe they're not really poly at all. I don't know enough about them to really say that, but just an observation.

Keep talking to both of them about what's going on. Fact is that it affects EVERYONE and EVERYONE needs to be in the loop, regardless of whether they want to hear about it or not. This is brand new and like any new relationship needs a lot of attention at the start.

Good luck!

FlameKat 12-01-2010 03:34 PM

Definitely keep up the communication - along with what you expect/want from both of them... keep your own lines clear...

not cool of J to be encroaching on B's time... in fact I'd say it sounds like J is trying to muscle in a bit there... of course, if its cool with you - you should negotiate with B about it - BUT NOT see J on those weekends unless it is already cool with B...

lol such messy things relationships are :D

whatamIdoing 12-01-2010 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Danny40179 (Post 54630)
YIKES!!! Not cool of J to say that he doesn't care about Bs feelings. I'm in a triad and I don't have much experience with a V relationship, but I'm pretty sure that feelings like those aren't going to make for a healthy relationship. For anyone.

You were right on the money to put J in his place, but was that enough? Does J think that eventually you'll leave B to be with him? Unfortunately when someone makes a statement like "I don't care..." that leads me to believe that maybe they're not really poly at all. I don't know enough about them to really say that, but just an observation.

Keep talking to both of them about what's going on. Fact is that it affects EVERYONE and EVERYONE needs to be in the loop, regardless of whether they want to hear about it or not. This is brand new and like any new relationship needs a lot of attention at the start.

Good luck!

B thinks that J will want me to leave him eventually... I never see J as that type of relationship... J has too many issues to be more than a pleasant and fun diversion from real life... and that's what say J SAID in the beginning that it was just NSA sex... so I had no concerns that would be an issue... but sometimes in passing J will say things that set my flags waving.... in ONE breath he will say something along the lines of "it's just fun and games" and in the next breath he's giving me reasons (not related to the fact that I'm happily MARRIED why we could never be serious (distance was raised).

I don't need REASONS why we will never be a primary couple... I can see my dalliance with him being long term.. and semi regularly (maybe monthly or bi-monthly visits but not more regular than that) but in the back of my mind after he said he didn't care how B felt, I got a niggling thought that maybe just maybe B's radar was right and J deep down inside thinks that this might just might be something else... UGH... first time I've put that in writing... off to have a panic attack!

Danny40179 12-01-2010 04:11 PM

Deep breaths!!! One thing that I always remembered when trying to find someone for my wife and I was that my marriage always came first. Even if it was someone that was more for me, she still had to be comfy with that person. I gotta be honest, I would have nixed a person who said they didn't care about how my wife felt. That just wasn't an option for me.

I know you're caught up in a lot of NRE, even if things are purely NSA, and it's tough to give that up so you can make hubby feel better but it may be something that you need to do now so you can proceed with this lifestyle down the road. Know what I mean?

Ariakas 12-01-2010 04:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing (Post 54625)
Here's my concern... When talking to the other guy on the phone the other night (for two hours :eek: ) we talked about EVERYTHING, including how my husband is feeling about this... (he is scared for me and he is VERY Jealous)... and J said to me "I don't care how B (hubby) feels".... OUCH... I DO. B is my husband and I LOVE HIM.... I pointed out that I CARE how B feels and how B feels IMPACTS on me....therefore it might matter to J how B feels....

I was just talking to my girlfriend about this recently actually. For me it is very important to have the two sides at the very least, being cordial. A completely non-concern for the others feelings is a massive red flag for me.

Quote:

Do people manage to have relationships with two people who don't really want to have anything to do with the others? Sadly they know each other, they are friends or they WERE friends... I see that comfort slipping away from B and now from J too... both are on Guard. and I'm STRUGGLING
I know of one that is "managing". So it is possible. Its not how I could conduct a relationship, but some people can do it. If they want no contact then you need to, at the hinge, to conduct each relationship with 0 overlap and as separate individual relationships. Its more like 2 monogamous relationships instead of a working/functioning V.

whatamIdoing 12-01-2010 04:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 54643)
I know of one that is "managing". So it is possible. Its not how I could conduct a relationship, but some people can do it. If they want no contact then you need to, at the hinge, to conduct each relationship with 0 overlap and as separate individual relationships. Its more like 2 monogamous relationships instead of a working/functioning V.


That's what I'm thinking... but one where each has to hear what's going on in/with the other.... NEITHER can pretend I'm all theirs and theirs alone...


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