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castle33 03-31-2013 11:40 AM

batman returns
 
hello all. been a long little while since i have been on. i am still a poly girl married to a poly-curious husband. all is well with us. i do have some questions and general issues to talk about.

i have met a wonderful young man. the hubby and this new guy are friends. this is rare. my husband does not usually like people enough to let them get close. the three of us all play a game together so we hang out a lot. the hubby and new guy are so much alike it's scary. he is a few years younger than my husband so it is like big hubby and mini hubby. i love it.

of course i am crushing on new guy hardcore... 'cause thats how i roll. my husband is aware of this. not sure how he would actually react to me dating new guy but i'm not even there yet. i am just enjoying my crush.

my concern is how can i be honest with new guy and let him know without freaking him out? i am older now and more aware of how important things are. i do not wish to rush or start anything with new guy. i just want him to know how important he is to me, and even to my husband.

i have been thinking more about non sexual relationships and how it can apply to this situation. i do not want to hurt this kid and i certainly don't want to screw up his mind. i have done that too many times in the past. he is aware that my husband is allowed to date. he is also aware of our openness. not sure how much. we haven't talked to him about poly stuff at all. when we all go out to game together the hubby and i play "is she cute enough for you? " we try to pick out cool women for my husband and see if they are approachable. new guy is always with us when we do this. so he at least knows that we are "different".

i just want to open the door for disscusion with new guy. no proposals or anything. just talking about his views on the matter. even talk with the three of us. i'm just afraid that he may get the wrong idea. like we are trying to have him join our freaky little cult or something.

how do some of you deal with this? how can i let new guy know that i want to talk a bit but no matter what our friendships will not change. i already do things for him that i do for my crushes. i cook for them, clean, take care of little things for them both... that won't change.

i am reminded of the movie and book about a boy. there is a scene where the single mom is sick. her young son tells her that they need a third.

not always for romance, but just for "backup". i have no real family. having the husband and new guy around makes me feel complete.

any thoughts?

GalaGirl 04-02-2013 01:38 AM

Quote:

my concern is how can i be honest with new guy and let him know without freaking him out?
If you are going to assume things about his reaction, how about assuming he takes it just fine? :)

Quote:

i just want him to know how important he is to me, and even to my husband.
That's nice. So let him know.

Quote:

i just want to open the door for disscusion with new guy. no proposals or anything. just talking about his views on the matter. even talk with the three of us. i'm just afraid that he may get the wrong idea. like we are trying to have him join our freaky little cult or something.
Could keep it simple. Could just tell him. Could stop placing value judgements and let him be responsible for his reaction/feelings stuff. You cannot control how he feels or how he reacts. It is a limit of the Universe. You can only control you.

"I wanted you to know something. My husband and I enjoy and value your company and growing our friendship. I'm not propositioning you. But I think I would also enjoy poly conversation with you. Either just with me or with me and husband. So if you are ever up for that, let me know."
There's nothing wrong with cultivating an honest, deeper friendship. If it grows later to something else -- fine. If it doesn't -- fine. Nothing wrong with building your community of friends.

I crush all the time on my friends. And I pretty much let them know when I find them attractive. I figure paying them a compliment doesn't hurt, if they want to grow something beyond friendship they can let me know. And if content with being friends, we're good being friends.

Either way *I* am still having a good time. :)

Galagirl

castle33 04-02-2013 04:27 AM

i have been thinking about it and i may not say anything at all. i have been here before. last time it screwed everything up.

maybe i'll just wait a bit. thank you for your input. this time around i am also dealing with the possibility that he just isn't into me that way. i don't know for sure. i was freaking out and felt as if i were about to blab too soon and read too much into things like i always do.

i'm stepping back a bit. i do take the new guy's age for granted. sometimes i forget that he is old enough to handle himself. i don't have to worry.

i really like what you said about me not being able to control his reaction. i tend to over think things. this is my way of trying to control others and it never works. i need to trust myself and learn that everyone won't hate me just because i think they are attractive.

you're right, it is a compliment. i have been around him long enough to know that he would enjoy being told how awesome he is.

i am also still going over non sexual types of relationships. as hot as he is, i may not be really into the sex part of things. i feel as if i just want to "know" him better. i don't know how to explain it to you. i want some type of attachment yet i don't have a strong super urge telling me it's his "man parts" that i want. i think i want his attention and i want to win his favor. i want him to want to be around me because i have something to add to his life.

GalaGirl 04-02-2013 04:39 AM

Quote:

this time around i am also dealing with the possibility that he just isn't into me that way.
We ALWAYS deal with the possibility that the other person feels differently. Why? Because we are not in charge of the other person's feelings. Could let THEM be in charge of dealing with however it is they might feel.

Perhaps you want to look at love theory model? To help give you words for what you are after here?

Maybe you want to share companionate love -- that shared between platonic, good, friends?

Quote:

feel as if i just want to "know" him better.
Cool.

Quote:

i don't know how to explain it to you. i want some type of attachment yet i don't have a strong super urge telling me it's his "man parts" that i want.
Guess what? You already have an attachment. I think you might mean you are experiencing the desire to deepen the attachment into... whatever it will be.

Quote:

i think i want his attention and i want to win his favor.
.

Already have his favor. He's your friend isn't he?

Quote:

i want him to want to be around me because i have something to add to his life
You cannot dictate what he wants. It is a limit of the Universe.

Could clarify this sentence a bit more. I think you could mean

"I would like him to accept what I have to offer. My offer is ____ to add to his life."
Well, if you want him to have opportunity to accept? Offer it then. He can't mind reader and accept offers he doesn't know are offered!

You can offer. That is your behavior you can control.

He can hear the offer. He can choose to accept/decline offer at this time. That is behavior he can control.

You are excited, crushing, and it is understandable to feel all twitterpated. It's fun. But you can enjoy the sensation without talking down to yourself in your head, jumping to conclusions, or getting all wigged out. BREATHE. It's fine.

(And I do empathize AND sympathize right now because I have my own crushy gushy going on. :) )

Galagirl

castle33 04-02-2013 06:04 AM

gala, you make me heart myself. thanks. :o

GalaGirl 04-02-2013 09:21 PM

Aw... it's ok. You will be ok.

That whole crush experience of "ARGH! Whee! ARGH! Wheee!" is something, isn't it? :)

Just enjoy it.

GG

castle33 04-04-2013 07:55 AM

hey gala. doing much better today. new guy came over for dinner and gaming last night. we are going on a trip this weekend. just the three of us. one hotel room and tons of game time.

i have been thinking over what you've said. it helps a lot. just knowing that i am not alone. ng and i were texting and he said something funny but gross. i replied that he "ruined my crush". he didn't respond for a while. i freaked out and thought that i had scared him away. i was actually just being funny. later that night when he came over for dinner he was in a great mood.

we ate and went over our plans for the weekend. he didn't seem uncomfy or anything. i was relieved. i thought i scared him. i think it actually made him more comfortable. he joked that he now lived with hubby and i.

i am still just going to continue on with out making a big deal of things. it is clear that he wants to be around us and he likes our company. right now that is all i could ask for.

it helps that my husband knows how i feel. a few nights ago i had a serious chat with hubby. i told him how much new guy means to me and also to us both. he agreed. my husband has come a long way. when we first met it was "a gf for me is great but a bf for you will never happen". now he is aware of how this is not good for our relatinship. as long as we remember why we married in the first place we will be good. he is starting to trust new guy more and more.

hey gala, are you a mod for this site?

GalaGirl 04-04-2013 03:18 PM

Nope. Not mod.

Glad things are going well for you though and that you are looking forward to your trip.

GG


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