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-   -   I'm sure a lot of you have been there... (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4382)

TheAudGirlOut 12-01-2010 02:45 AM

I'm sure a lot of you have been there...
Where the new person you and your partner are dating realizes they don't have strong feelings for one of you like they do the other.

My husband and I have been actively researching and searching these days, and a few folks have come across our paths, giving us the chance to get our feet wet ya know?
Well we meet a 3rd girl, this time around it felt really different because her and I were so compatible, I was nervous because she had one drunken night with a women and that was it, I've had much more then that and hoped for a very close relationship with the girl that would join us.
Well we all text constantly and talk on the phone, then finally decide to meet up. It was a simple date, sitting in the park on a blanket, talking for a few hours before grabbing pizza and coming back home to watch movies for awhile, nothing at all sexual outside of a hug hello and goodbye.
Well that was Saturday, today she emails (ouch) and lets me know that she can't continue because she doesn't have the same feelings for my husband as she does me and it's not fair to either of us.
We decided early on that we wanted a third to share, not open our relationship on both sides.
So because of this I have to let go of the friendship aspect because it would be awkward, at least I think it would be.
We started things out with the idea that if all went well we would move forward along the poly path, we didn't meet at the grocery store by accident. So I dunno that I could be regular old friends with someone that I've openly thought about being more with. I would never be able to be 100% because I wouldn't want to give them the wrong impression.
Any way, I dunno why I let all that out there, just mulling it over.
Everything is a learning lesson so I appreciate the situation for that if anything.

redpepper 12-01-2010 02:53 AM

So what if she is attracted and connected to you over your partner? What's wrong with that? Can you not all change your plans and investigate what you and her have together? Does it have to be that love is not available if it does not fit? There is no poly bible that says triads or nothing or you shall burn in hell or something, the whole idea is to invite love into ones life no matter where it comes from. To embrace it, nurture it in all its forms and loveliness, not put constraints on how it will be or not be...

I just wrote on another thread about the theory of scarcity vs abundance... perhaps you should do a tag search on that also, as I suggested on the other thread... it could give you an idea of how things could be....

of course if friends is all you feel then, meh, go for it and see where you get. You won't know how you feel until you try it.

TheAudGirlOut 12-01-2010 03:41 AM

I'm a lot more open to things then my hubby is. Which isn't a fault, it's just how he is at this point in his life.
We agreed that for now, what would work for us is someone a bit more equal, that way there everyone can get used to the idea, ya know?
I've said from the get that he needs another wife, 9 years later he's coming around to the idea of having a third to share our lives with. So who knows, I've said today off and on that it all would be easier if we both sought girlfriends independently, on top of the odds, we're polar opposites, I'm surprised we work, finding someone else to love both of us and our extreme differences is going to be a greater challenge, but perhaps worth it, who knows.
We said before that if things weren't felt by one of us that it wouldn't go on, but perhaps over time that will change so we can really enjoy things with lower odds of heartache.

Somegeezer 12-01-2010 05:50 AM

I think just because she isn't interested in one like the other, it shouldn't mean letting her go. Why not let the relationship follow its own path and see where it goes? She could end up changing her mind. He could too. I feel like it should be open on both sides rather than just bringing in a 3rd for you both. I know people have their ideals [your ideal is the same as mine], but you should both be open to the idea that it could go different ways.

Ithink 12-01-2010 10:33 AM

I'm kinda with SomeGeezer on this one. It's a shame things didn't work out for the three of you but it would be cool to maintain a friendship. Poly people are not exactly a "dime a dozen" so just having someone as a friend that you could talk openly with about Poly topics would be great imho. Not only that but as time goes by and you really get to know each other a lot of the baggage of meeting someone new gets left behind and a person can start to relax and feel comfortable.
If I read your post correctly it is the new lady that is ending the relationship so the choice of whether or not to maintain a friendship may not be yours to make. But I thought I would add my two cents as a general comment about Poly situations.

TheAudGirlOut 12-01-2010 02:01 PM

I agree with the above, poly friends or at least poly accepting folks aren't easy to find, we got lucky in finding a few straight away that were interested enough to approach us, she was better then the others in my opinion because the first was just into the sex of it, the 2nd was just odd and gave us weird feelings and then there came the 3rd. She was (I could say is) really into the idea and wanted to learn more about it, it was her first go around with it too, so that was nice and made things more comfy.
She also gets more points from me for being able to say "Hey, I'm not feeling how we all wanted to feel and you guys deserve to know that."
Maybe as time goes on we'll really work on the friendship side, which is to me the most important part and just forget about the poly side and enjoy what we have to share versus putting any unnecessary pressure on the situation.

I'm like a lot of you, I hate the rules and rigidness of what it is right now, that's another topic in our lives these days.
The fact that we both agreed to one way and now in the thick of it once it all gets rolling, I realize it's not feeling right to me, he's not ready to let go of what was agreed to and feels sort of like I'm trying to pressure him into something that he doesn't want to do. Which is hurtful because that's not my intentions, I'm a free spirited, love everyone kinda girl, not a controlling bully.
But these days I'm feeling tragically more angry because I can see what I'd like to try, and can't because of this said agreement, and that's frustrating because you can't honestly say how you will feel or what will work until you try it out, we all have an ideal, then we have reality. My entire life is different then what I thought it would be, it's better because I let go and tried new things left and right, if I had stayed on the path I thought was best for me and didn't let new ideas in and control go, then I wouldn't be here with him, with our daughter, in this state. I'm glad I exhaled and let life take me where I should be and let me find him, have her and be here. Most days :P
I will take responsibility for the fact that I am frustrated and yes at some point that shows, at some point I break after living a way someone else feels more comfortable with, who wouldn't?
I'm trying pretty hard to get everyone to a point of complete happiness, I dunno if the way I see things for me will work for him though, so a lot of soul searching is needed on both parts. I need to stop feeling guilty for how I personally feel.

Any how, thanks for reading.

NeonKaos 12-01-2010 02:45 PM

To counter-point this, what we often see on here (a couple that is opening their relationship under the restrictions of searching for a mutual partner) - my husband and I made a conscious decision to NOT search for a mutual girlfriend. We're not even "searching" for ANYONE, either of us. He feels that we wouldn't be attracted to the same "type" of women (which made me laugh because he's attracted to ME and I'm not so unattractive even if I say so myself!), and my whole issue with it is that it's just silly to expect someone to be attracted to the both of us at the same time and pace. If one of us gets involved with someone else and THEN it leads to a triad-ish dynamic, that's ok, but I cannot imagine that we would have to pass up a good thing just because we aren't all "feeling teh looove" exactly the same.

TheAudGirlOut 12-01-2010 02:59 PM

Neon, agreed.

It was a point I made last night a few times. To paint a picture:
I'm 27, female, alternative hippie and generally openly passionate about things and like to dabble in anything I can find that I might enjoy.
He's 37, male, outwardly conservative, inwardly...a bit, more structured, more set.

I'm surprised we were attracted to each other and have been together this long, granted it appears to get harder as the years pass because I'm becoming much more comfortable being me, and much more aware of what I need in life.
He's 10 years older, to him that ship has seemingly sailed.
So I keep explaining that the odds are pretty stacked already, couple that with how very different we are...gosh.
So I dunno...I'm frustrated and getting snappy which isn't fair at all to anyone.

redpepper 12-02-2010 12:47 AM

37 and his ship has sailed! Geeezuz! I sure hope not, he's got his midlife crisis to go through yet! :p

NeonKaos 12-02-2010 12:52 AM

I don't know what you mean by "that ship has sailed".

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