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-   -   A struggling mono in love with a poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4380)

swedel 11-30-2010 10:07 PM

A struggling mono in love with a poly
 
I'm seeking advice from monos who've found ways to overcome feelings of jealousy in their relationships with polys.

I am fortunate enough to be in a deep, passionate and loving relationship with a woman who's in healthy, happy relationship with a husband who's been very nurturing of our relationship.

From the beginning, she's been honest with me, and I trust her. As such, I know she loves me as we share an amazing connection that neither of us has ever experienced before, and she sincerely wants us to have a future together. I do as well.

It's ideal in so many ways...except I'm intensely struggling with not being the only person with whom she's intimate. I tell myself and her that my love for her is stronger than my frustration at sharing her, but I find that every time I make a forward stride emotionally, I soon fall a step or two back.

I feel as if I'm being "cheated" in our relationship since I feel incapable of loving more than one person with the depth which she loves her husband and me.

How can I overcome these possessive urges? My desire is to ultimately appreciate hers and her husband's relationship for what it is, and putting my focus solely into hers and mine.

Please share your thoughts because I'm in completely foreign emotional territory here. I don't want to sabotage our relationship.

Thank you so much!

MonoVCPHG 11-30-2010 10:39 PM

Hi Swedel,

Do you think that your jealousy and concern is directed specifically towards her relationship with her husband... or... is it possibly to do with the potential addition of another boyfriend besides you?

I'm not sure I can help because I have never felt jealousy or negativity towards my poly partner's husband, but I have/do towards the idea of other people entering her life in the future.

I aslo experienced this lack of jealousy or "possessiveness" for lack of a better word, when I had an affair with a married woman. A friend of mine also experienced this when he had an affair with a married woman. He felt no jealousy for her husband either.

For me it has a lot to do with the institution and bonding of marraige. For some reason this by-passes my natural desire to have some one love me the same way I love them...with initmate exclusivity. I think I have figured this out to some degree but need to think about it more.

I suggest you really get to know him. Try to develop a type of friendship. If you care about him you will inevitably care about aspects of his life such as relationships...which in this case just happens to be with the woman you love.

You have to embrace a different way of life and loving someone. You can't pretend that her husband doesn't exist and you have to respect the bond they have. I would assume her husband is also struggling with you on some levels. Get together and talk about your concerns with him. I did with Redpepper's husband and it helped a lot :)

If you want to fully enjoy your love for this woman you have to give up things in order to get things. It will take time..lots of it likely.

Good luck and feel free to ask anything :)

neohio44122 11-30-2010 10:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 54546)
Hi Swedel,


I suggest you really get to know him. Try to develop a type of friendship. If you care about him you will inevitably care about aspects of his life such as relationships...which in this case just happens to be with the woman you love.

You have to embrace a different way of life and loving someone. You can't pretend that her husband doesn't exist and you have to respect the bond they have. I would assume her husband is also struggling with you on some levels. Get together and talk about your concerns with him. I did with Redpepper's husband and it helped a lot :)

Good advice Mono. I usually reach out first to my wife BF, to make him feel welcome and part of our lives. Things seems to go better when everybody is friends. Maybe I'm weird, but itís a turn on to me when my wife is with her BF.

NeonKaos 12-01-2010 12:47 AM

Here are links to some Useful Threads for Monogamous Partners

swedel 12-01-2010 03:34 AM

Thanks for your thoughtful replies.

The issue is definitely with her husband since she is not seeking out other partners.

If I were having an affair, if the relationship were solely sexual, then I'd have no hang ups about her husband. But I'm emotionally invested in the relationship, as is she, and that makes all the difference.

When I'm at her house, she, her husband and I often eat dinner together. One night, he and I were alone and began talking about our respective relationships with her, but I wasn't in a place emotionally where I could comfortably talk about it. But he and I get along fine. I wouldn't call us friends, but we are on genuinely friendly terms.

I realize that if I choose to work through these frustrations, it will take quite a bit of time, which I'm willing to do if I can see some glimmer of hope that I'm actually capable of doing it. Some times that hope seems more likely than at other times.

vodkafan 12-01-2010 04:47 PM

Hi Swedel,

This is the same situation that my wife's other guy is in. He has always told me that he does not feel jealous of me because obviously I was here first. We have not really had a good talk about it though.
When we do talk we tend to concentrate on the positive things I suppose.
I would suggest self examination of your jealous feelings are the way to go. Try to dismantle them logically and they might go away.
By the way it seems like you two are doing pretty well under your own steam. Give it time.

MonoVCPHG 12-01-2010 05:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by swedel (Post 54575)
If I were having an affair, if the relationship were solely sexual, then I'd have no hang ups about her husband. But I'm emotionally invested in the relationship, as is she, and that makes all the difference.

.

Just to clarify, the affair I had was emotionally invested as are many.
Things do change when you become more invested for sure though. Your needs /wants often expand to reflect what you are willing to put into the relationship. For mono people this usually brings up the natural desire to want some one "for ourselves". As this is not possible with someone who is involved with another person, we either finds ways to thrive and be healthy, live in constant dull pain, or simply find some one who is wanting to share love the same way we do.
It sounds like you are making headway and taking good steps to communicate with her husband. More of that, and more of determining what you want out of this relationship might give you direction.

Take care
Mono

swedel 12-02-2010 12:44 AM

Thanks for the additional thoughts and advice.

It's almost comical the situations that arise that force me to deal with these feelings. Case in point: I've been really excited to be with her tomorrow night as it's been a few days since we were last together, which turned into a night of struggling through emotions instead of just enjoying each others' company.

I got off the phone with her a bit ago and learned the first thing we'll do tomorrow is go get her first tattoo...of her husband's name (in Japanese characters) on her wrist. That came as a complete surprise.

It just seems that even though she's so in the moment when we're together, there's more often than not some sort of visceral reminder of her husband's presence. In this case, I see the humor in it even though I feel pretty crappy.

MonoVCPHG 12-02-2010 12:58 AM

For about 8 months my visits with Redpepper went as follows:

Excitement
Argument
Struggling through the issue
Deeper connection
Sex

Over and over and over....and worth it :)

swedel 12-02-2010 01:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 54751)
For about 8 months my visits with Redpepper went as follows:

Excitement
Argument
Struggling through the issue
Deeper connection
Sex

Over and over and over....and worth it :)

That sounds familiar. How long have you two been together? If over 8 months, how would you describe your visits with her now? Still working through the same things? If not, what changed?


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