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-   -   My husband won't agree (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4376)

rednwild91 11-30-2010 07:16 AM

My husband won't agree
 
I'm sure I'm in the minority when I say that my husband is the one who doesn't want a polyamorous relationship..... My problem is I need other man and women. Affection- both physically and emotionally- is something I need in mass quantities and he just doesn't seem to get that or need it. I love with all my heart and he's "the one". I will spend my entire with this man I just need something....extra. Is that so bad?

Penny 11-30-2010 11:47 AM

I don't think you are in the minority at all. I have seen posts of this nature in this forum and personally know someone in the same boat.

Whether you can live with those restrictions on who you can love is totally up to you. Reading and soul-searching help.

whatamIdoing 11-30-2010 12:56 PM

You are not alone... I"m in the same boat... I want to be POLY and my hubby who I love and adore is not sure he can deal with it...

nightwalker 11-30-2010 01:46 PM

I think you are probably in the majority. although men like the idea of being polyamorous they can't handle their female partners having other male partners. I recommend you tone it down a tad instead of saying you want to love many now how about trying to Come to some half way mark. maybe suggest you can have an SO to begin with and see how that goes. don't freak him out all in one go by telling him all your fantasies that you want to fullfill.

Penny 11-30-2010 01:57 PM

It isn't just other men they object to. At least, when the objection is universal rather than gender-specific, they aren't treating a woman having sex or intimacy with other women like it matters less or isn't real.

The notion of a one penis policy raises my hackles a bit. It feels sexist and patronizing.

redpepper 11-30-2010 04:09 PM

Do you need more sex or more love and the freedom to five more love. There is a difference. Poly is about love and it is quite common that people who enjoy a poly lifestyle are simply in it to pass around love freely. Cuddle parties, for example are a part of that. Not to mention the asexual communities involvement in poly.

I think it might be in you best interest to figure out what exactly you are looking for as there is a huge continuum of poly identities out there from polyfuckery and swinging style poly to poly-fi and non sexual versions. All valid and all (supposedly, I can't say I understand it all) based on love.

You are not alone, I have a boyfriend that is as mono as they come (Mono), maybe doing some reading around here will help you clarify where you sit in the poly world for your self. I invite your partner to do the same so that you can grow and learn together on this.

Imagination 12-01-2010 02:22 AM

Lots of issues associated with your third something
 
What are you afraid of? Why not just do it? You have a right to make your desires come true. You probably talked a lot about it with your husband? Are you afraid to lose him, when you start to meet other lovers? The problem is, that we deal with each other like we would be goods. We think about what will make us feel better (over all) and what would be a disadvantage for us. When we believe, that it well help us, we'll do it. Your husband thinks the same way. What is going on between the two of you aside from this? From early childhood on we were blackmailed by the withholding of love, when we didn't function the way we were supposed to. You love each other, what does it mean? We are all afraid – or at least most of us – to be alone. This is not easy for your husband to stand, because possibly he would feel neglected, left out and compare himself with other lovers of you. He might even become ill, if the stress is to much. Are you feeling dependant on your husbands constraints and that makes you feel unfulfilled and sick? Due to our morals and possessive attitude our society is based on flaw. We're afraid not to get enough, we compete with each other and struggle. I myself am in a similar situation with my young lady. How far should I go (for sure its good to open to other people and I should'nt have remorse about that!), how can I show her that there is plenty of love, when you share it's a chance to spread love, more ideas, to build a better community? May be you should start in a way that includes your husband so he feels loved, too? Might there be someone you both like? What are you doing for work, is it exhausting or gets on your nerves? Do you have to help each other restore from the after – effects or your jobs? How much time can you share with each other? How is you social life? Can you rely on friends and family? Than it should be easier for you and your husband to cope with a new situation that a change in behaviour brings..

redpepper 12-01-2010 02:47 AM

Imagination talks of the the theory of scarcity vs. abundance I think... Have a search for it on here, it might help. It's to do with thinking that there is not enough. Jealousy can come from it sometimes... when one thinks that if they let their partner go and have a life independent from them that there will not be enough love to go around, when actually, there is more... more comes back in abundance. Interesting concept to me and something I have experienced first hand.

Imagination 12-01-2010 03:51 AM

That's an interesting remark. I believe it's true when love, caring and devotion is involved. Sleeping around just to compensate low self esteem or because one can only feel lust while having sex might lead somewhere else, this can be bad for others and for yourself. A person must know what one does, what's good in their situation or try it out. Yet to share with friends or people you could become friends with sounds better to me.

You might be in a stage of your life where you want to live promiscuity, date differend people. That's all right, but you should think about it: Is it adequate or possible with a partner who wants to have a steady relationship or who would already feel bad, when you had only one other lover? Even if you seperate, you could still be friends. Well, sometimes it works, often not. There might be more possibilities for positive changes than there seem to be.

Erin 12-02-2010 05:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rednwild91 (Post 54453)
I'm sure I'm in the minority when I say that my husband is the one who doesn't want a polyamorous relationship..... My problem is I need other man and women. Affection- both physically and emotionally- is something I need in mass quantities and he just doesn't seem to get that or need it. I love with all my heart and he's "the one". I will spend my entire with this man I just need something....extra. Is that so bad?

Holy cow - you've read my mind because I am in the same situation. :eek: What are you doing to cope? I'd love to know :)


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