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-   -   Anyone in a polyandrous relationship? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43745)

PolyInWA 03-30-2013 12:48 AM

Anyone in a polyandrous relationship?

I am interested in meeting other men and women that are currently, or in the past have been, in a polyandrous relationship. My wife of eleven years and I have decided to open our marriage to allow her to date and potentially fall in love with one or more other men. I am happy to agree to this and look forward to witnessing my wife fall in love again should that happen (we are going to allow things to progress organically and not try to push it). I am interested in hearing from others to find out how you have made this work for you.

I'd also like to hear from the ladies about how loving and being loved by more than one man has enhanced your own life. I am not talking sexually - I am quite aware of the sexual benefits ;-)

From the men I am interested in hearing about how you have adjusted to sharing your wife's love and affection with other men (or women, however my wife identifies hetero) and deal with your peers that will question how you can "allow" your wife to do that.

Thank you!

Marcus 03-30-2013 08:46 PM


Originally Posted by sjn1069 (Post 193689)
I am interested in hearing from others to find out how you have made this work for you.

We are technically a polyandrous "V", at least in our living situation. IV is mine and CVs girlfriend, CV and I do not have any kind of romantic involvement. CV and IV have other partners who do not live with us, which might preclude us from fitting into the polyandrous mold - not sure how specific that definition is.

It works because it works, we haven't done much of anything to make it do so. IV and I were both very frank about our worldviews from the get-go so there haven't been any surprises. The three of us (CV, IV, and myself) have exactly no say over each others feelings, time, energy, affection which, to date, removes the need for us to "work on" anything.


Originally Posted by sjn1069 (Post 193689)
From the men I am interested in hearing about how you have adjusted to sharing your wife's love and affection with other men

I'm in a different position than you. I am dating IV who is dating CV and has been for years. So fortunately I've never considered her affection to be mine; we don't relate that way. We are all adults, independent from each other, she enjoys mine and CVs company as she sees fit, the three of us live together... but "sharing" implies a sense of ownership which is not present with us.

There is the issue of dealing with time scarcity, but that is a similar issue to work and hobbies. Still, people need to decide for themselves where they want to spend their time. I have no interest in making these determinations for them (I have my preference, of course).


Originally Posted by sjn1069 (Post 193689)
and deal with your peers that will question how you can "allow" your wife to do that.

I don't associate with people like that. They are dead weight.

kdt26417 03-30-2013 11:29 PM

Hi sjn1069,

I guess you could say I'm in a polyandrous relationship, two guys and one gal, even though only one of the guys is allowed to be legally married to her. We think of ourselves as all married to each other, even though us two guys are just platonic friends.

Our relationship is closed, not that we couldn't add anyone new, but it's unlikely and would be an involved process. We don't have sex outside our circle of three. Such is our choice.

I think to some extent we just needed time to sort it all out. We've been together since 2006, but our first few years together were a heck of a bumpy ride. I think I was a lot of the problem, but at the same time all three of us had to learn how to be (reasonably) accomodating to each other's wants and needs.

I personally started doing better when I had a certain amount of privacy; to wit, an attached bedroom/bathroom of my own. I think it also helped that I eventually arrived at an effective regimen of medications. I've been diagnosed as various things over the years: bipolar, depressed, PTSD, etc.

Things are going pretty good with our trio these days, we're pretty comfortable with each other. Not there's not the occasional off-moment (or the occasional crappy day I may have), but I'd say we're 96% happy together.

Sharing "my" lady with the other guy has, for the most part, come naturally to me over the years. I'm glad when they're doing well together. The occasional fit of jealousy had more to do with me than with them; that is, it had to do with feeling like I wasn't getting my own needs met. But as I said, we've all three learned a lot, and I can't even remember when the last time was that I had a jealous "twinge." In the years since about 1995, I grew rather fond of the idea of people sharing each other as they do in polyamory.

As for peers that will question how I can 'allow' my lady to do that, that issue hasn't cropped up yet because we are basically in the closet about it, not counting our memberships in poly forums and in our local poly group. We have one monogamous friend who knows about our relationship, and she thinks it's fine even though it wouldn't be her cup of tea. My older brother and his wife "unofficially know," and they've made it plain that they accept us as we are and just want us to be happy. So dealing with people who think I'm letting myself be exploited, just hasn't happened yet.

If it did, I suppose I would tell them I care about the other guy in my poly unit, and wouldn't want to deny him that kind of happiness with the lady of our household (nor would I want to deny her that happiness). I don't know, it just doesn't bother me. And actually, technically, I am free to pursue other women ... but I'm not that interested in doing so. I guess I like the extra "me time."

Hope that helps!
Kevin T.

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