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-   -   Navigating Holiday periods (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4374)

FitChick 11-30-2010 06:21 AM

Navigating Holiday periods
My bf and I are in a LDR and he also has 4 children with 2 different women,whereas I have none. I understand that Christmas is primarily for the children but he is spending the holidays(Christmas and NYE) with his ex wife,ex girlfriend and their children and there is no room for me.

I've never really been a 'Christmas' person anyway but this scenario is making me feel worse,given the fresh nature of the baby and ex girlfriend. I understand that the children come first and he needs to remain amicable with the exes,that's a given, but I'm finding it hard to separate out his relationship with the new baby and his ex,given that several of the significant holiday days are ones he will be spending with them..

I guess I'm feeling left out..

Any suggestions/ideas? :confused:

polychronopolous 11-30-2010 05:32 PM

Yikes, that's a tough situation in many ways. First he has an obligation to his children then add to it the fact that he has kids from two mothers and the schedule becomes far more demanding. Being in a LDR can be a challenge in itself. Is there any you can travel to where he is for holidays?


Breathesgirl 11-30-2010 08:48 PM

Only slightly related reply but :

Breathes and I, mostly I, are having a fun time arranging the Christmas family get togethers this year, lol. One family is Christmas Day, the other Boxing Day (day after Christmas) & we're currently unsure as to when the chosen family non-Christmas get together will be as I'm awaiting replies from a few people.

Is there any way you could arrange a different time for the two of you to get together for your Christmas?

SNeacail 11-30-2010 08:59 PM

We have to do holiday musical chairs all the time, especially when we decide to travel to one family member or another. Lately, we have actually chosen to travel on Christmas Day, because someone ususally has to work the next day and the traffic is MUCH better. It turns into about a weeks worth of Holiday Dinners and presents, 3 days before Christmas with one set of family, go home and do stuff with just the kids (and laundry), then off to another group of family members for a day or two.

FitChick 11-30-2010 10:31 PM

I think that's what we're going to have to do,we're hoping to get together in january,both our schedules permitting,my work doesn't allow for holidays but I have a client flying in from the US in late January so I'm going to try and put together a birthday celebration for him then. I have a present organised for him and have already sent a present for the new baby,even though her mother and I don't get along. i think this is going to be a slow process due to the new baby and that I have to find ways of being more patient until that settles down...
In alot of ways I'm glad I don't live with him or have moved up there because it would have been too difficult to navigate the 'dislike' between me and the 'baby momma' at this point. I think we all need to be ready to sit down together and right now at Christmas,isn't a good time!

polychronopolous 12-01-2010 08:50 PM

Is your BF and the baby's mother still together? Because if not I don't see how her opinion of you matters much.

FitChick 12-01-2010 10:50 PM


Originally Posted by polychronopolous (Post 54708)
Is your BF and the baby's mother still together? Because if not I don't see how her opinion of you matters much.

True,it shouldn't but she stalked me when she was pregnant and is mentally unstable,thus I don't feel inclined to be in the same space as her,and he understands and agrees with that.

And no,they're not together anymore,but I don't want to be involved in their unhealthy dynamic. As long as he is a good father to the baby,that's all that matters!

Mohegan 12-03-2010 11:13 AM

To me, holidays are family time. And his kids need that. Not to say you don't need it as well, but you are old enough to understand that it is jsut another day (technicaly), kids aren't. Make whatever day you can get together, your holiday. Make a special meal, do the present thing, whatever traditions you want to have together, do them, on your special holiday.

On the other note- my uncle stayed close with my aunt when they split for my cousins sake. And honestly they make great friends, but terrible relationship material. He's had issues with g/f's understanding that he goes out with his ex wife and her husband, that he stays the night there from time to time. But he's also had some that have totaly understood and supported it. I understand the dynamic there is a little different, but it is possible for it to work out on the positive side. My cousin has grown into a well rounded young man b/c he's seen that even though they can't be in a relationship, his parents still care for eachother, and him.

Not saying you should run out and be best friends with someone who stalked you, but it shouldn't make you feel anything but proud of him for being in his kids lives. It's not a reflection on you, it's a positive reflection on him. Like I said, holidays are just another day on the calendar, it's what you do on them that make them special. So make your own holiday together. Make January something or other "our christmas". Or "our new year" and do a countdown and the whole bit.

Karma and I are often apart on new years, so we've started celebrating the pagan new year (halloween) together. It's "our new year". We toast to it and all.

FitChick 12-05-2010 07:56 AM

Thank you Mohegan,you are 100% correct,I am feeling alot better already and have arranged some activities with my friends over the holiday period and will catch up with the bf in January with a bottle of wine and some quality time :)

dragonflysky 12-08-2010 04:09 AM

I remind myself that prioritizing time at holidays isn't just a poly issue. There have been many times when I encouraged my sons to spend the holiday with their dad (after we had divorced) and his extended family because I didn't have an extended family to get together with. I wanted them to have a family experience with aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. I would spend time with them before or after the exact holiday. Also, when it was just my ex husband and myself with no children, we still had to make a decision about whose family we would spend the holiday with. Yes....we were together, but it still meant someone was left out on the actual date because our families lived so far apart from each other at times. As a single person I've spent Thanksgiving and Christmas by myself before. Sometimes I'd go into work to have a holiday meal with the teens in a program at a ranch where I worked. And sometimes I've sat down and cried and had a great pity party and felt all sorts of sorry for myself....being all by my poor lonely little self (but I'd put a time limit on that as I didn't want to get stuck in that mind set.)

It's ok to feel sad, disappointed, angry, etc., but ultimately it's about the perspective we choose to take when it comes to any given situation.

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