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-   -   Facilitating Chemistry Between Them? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4373)

Iktomi 11-30-2010 12:17 AM

Facilitating Chemistry Between Them?
 
So my husband and i went on a date with our new girlfriend... I have to say, things got hot and heavy from the start. It was wonderful... for me and the GF... my husband is more of a slow mover and didn't connect right away to the new girl, which he didn't tell me until after all the physical stuff happened, and it's mostly my fault for jumping in too deep too soon, I knew he wasn't as fast a mover as I was but at the time it slipped my mind, and the new girl was just as eager.

Anyway, now the gateway is opened for sex between us all... only the GF and I are in the deep end and my husband is still in the boat, unsure. He asked me on this next date to facilitate bonding between the 2 of them. He's not into casual sex, I know he needs an emotional connection first. Basically I know that means I have to back off and let them connect, but I'm having trouble with the practical reality of it. Having never dated 2 people at once, I don't really know what he means. I don't know HOW he connects emotionally with someone besides A. conversation... he doesn't converse easily with people and didn't really show an interest in conversing online with her, or B. sex and physical touch... which is how I connect emotionally with someone. :P But obviously he's not talking about just the physical stuff.

Perhaps it's said that men are simple and women need figuring out, but it seems I just don't understand my man and what he needs from me.

So my question is, have any of you been in this type of situation before, and what did you do to facilitate chemistry or at least bonding between both of your lovers?

Ariakas 11-30-2010 12:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iktomi (Post 54395)
Anyway, now the gateway is opened for sex between us all... only the GF and I are in the deep end and my husband is still in the boat, unsure. He asked me on this next date to facilitate bonding between the 2 of them. He's not into casual sex, I know he needs an emotional connection first. Basically I know that means I have to back off and let them connect, but I'm having trouble with the practical reality of it. Having never dated 2 people at once, I don't really know what he means. I don't know HOW he connects emotionally with someone besides A. conversation... he doesn't converse easily with people and didn't really show an interest in conversing online with her, or B. sex and physical touch... which is how I connect emotionally with someone. :P But obviously he's not talking about just the physical stuff.

Simple suggestion, facilitate a date between the two of them only. Remove your energy from the picture in order to help him get comfortable. :) A triad is 4 working relationships. Foster each individually and you can build a strong foundation

a+b
b+c
a+c
a+b+c

Keep that in mind and things might roll along smoothly.

Quote:

Perhaps it's said that men are simple and women need figuring out, but it seems I just don't understand my man and what he needs from me.
Lets skip generalizations haha.

Also, be prepared. This is 4 relationships, he may NEVER be interested in her in the same way, or his may develop over years and yours may dwindle. Don't expect each relationship to be built on equal footing. :)

Iktomi 11-30-2010 01:37 AM

thank you! that was helpful. he doesn't want to have a date just him and her though, i wonder why

polychronopolous 11-30-2010 02:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iktomi (Post 54414)
thank you! that was helpful. he doesn't want to have a date just him and her though, i wonder why

There could be a lot of reasons for that. He sounds (and of course I don't know him) a little introverted and that can make it difficult to have so much focus on him at once. He may also not have a good feel for the pace he would like to take things with her yet and it might feel more comfortable to put both feet in once he gets a better sense of her rhythm and how she interacts with him. Of course the best way to know is to talk to him about it ;)

Iktomi 11-30-2010 03:09 AM

this is true, polychromopolous... he is a bit introverted and still sorting out his feelings. i'm going to talk to him about what he means exactly later tonight and hopefully get some clarification.

redpepper 11-30-2010 03:58 PM

I would agree, a date with just the two of them would be what I would work towards. Even if it's a date that starts and ends with the two f you. Sometime in between would make them have some moments together.

If this were me I wouldn't be working towards the sex thing at all. It seems far too rushed if he is not at a point where he can even hang out with her alone. It seems like it's all about the sex so far. If you want something for the long haul and something rich with connection and mutual triad love, then I think it means slowing right down and allowing the relationship to become the foundation rather than sex. Of course, its okay to just have a sexual relationship too, but it sounds like you are hoping its going to be more.

Iktomi 11-30-2010 06:07 PM

yep i definitely want more than just sex, all 3 of us do. although both of us girls are younger and horny lol, and my husband is older and more patient. :P it's going to be hard to keep the NRE at bay while we work on the relationship aspect.

SNeacail 11-30-2010 06:23 PM

Do a scavanger hunt. Each of you plan a portion of it and the two that didn't plan that leg pair up. Yes, I got the idea from something another poster did for his wife and her bf.

redpepper 11-30-2010 07:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iktomi (Post 54506)
both of us girls are younger and horny lol, and my husband is older and more patient.

younger does not indicate hornier, just so you know :D I am 41 and the most horniest of my entire life... most of the women my age are.... just a sideline there... age does not equate sexuality preferences and where you are at on just about everything, except life experience that sometimes equates maturity, but not always.

sorry for the hijack. :p

mushaboom 12-03-2010 07:18 PM

Hi again Iktomi! Its really nice reading about a triad relationship in a similar stage to mine...

I feel like I might be kind of similar to your husband in that my connection is lagging behind my partners. Its mostly circumstantial in that he's known her for 4 months longer than I have. We've been on maybe 5 mutual dates and when things started to get physical (admittedly only cuddling...we are taking this SLOW lol) I just felt like I needed to get know her much better before we continued...

I am a very shy person to new people but I totally bit the bullet and we decided we'd like to go on a coffee date just the two of us to get to know each other better one on one. I have a natural tendency to become the observer in group settings. We both laughingly acknowledged that it was a little awkward at first but our coffee date turned into a 5 hour conversation into the wee hours and it was just what I needed...to get to know her with no expectations.

He may be feeling hesitant? I know I am... mostly just concerned that we all may get hurt in the process. But whats the saying...no risk no reward? Maybe he needs to explore why he is holding back from getting to know her? Is he feeling external societal pressure/guilt that the situation is 'wrong'... I've been surprised by those feelings too, especially since in theoretical terms I have felt the total opposite up until the actual practice.


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