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-   -   The Downside of Poly: Article in Psychology Today (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4369)

Endicott 11-29-2010 03:58 PM

The Downside of Poly: Article in Psychology Today
 
An article by Ms. D Anapol in Psychology Today, noting the downside to poly.

I thought she made some very good points. What do you think?

MonoVCPHG 11-29-2010 04:35 PM

I enjoyed it but I am admittedly a fan of hers because of her ability to communicate the idea of poly to mono people in a way that doesn't make my eyes burn out ;)

LovingRadiance 11-29-2010 07:53 PM

Ditto Mon.
Does that make me odd? I'm not mono-but I do appreciate someone who can speak of "me" to someone who IS mono and not send them into an emotional downhill spiral.

I like her, I subscribe to her online newsletter.
:)

Ready2Fly 11-29-2010 08:15 PM

A lot of these problems, as she admits, are actually problems with the social machinery of enforced monogamy. "Rejection by family, friends, etc.," not knowing which partner to take to a party, and the inability to run for political office aren't problems with polyamory; they're problems with prejudice against polyamory.

About the claim of "increased drama:" I don't know that drama is increased in a poly relationship, and I would claim that it isn't. I know of and have (alas) been in mono relationships characterized by constant drama, usually as a result of someone's deep insecurities. Monogamous relationships set themselves against the natural human tendency to wander and explore, and monogamists know it, and the result is often a lot of suspicion and paranoia, and snooping in people's cell phones and email boxes and condom packages. Snooping is HUGELY dramatic in a lot of monogamous relationships, and is usually less of an issue in poly. In my experience, a poly relationship in harmony with that basic human nature to explore new territory and find variety is far less dramatic.

About the challenges with time management: well.... "duh." But I think that is true of any relationship. Monogamous couples also must manage their time between their relationship and their career, friends, hobbies, etc. I also tend to think that time management is more a problem for smaller poly families (triads, quads) and vees/stars than for tribes. It's easy for a member of a triad or quad to feel left out of activities, but there's always someone around to be with in a tribe.

Poly relationships are different, but honestly, I can't think of a single real down side that doesn't have to do with social condemnation. If you can rise above that, I don't think there are any problems directly related to polyamory itself, which is in closer harmony to the actual, real, non-fairytale human condition than strict monogamy.

MonoVCPHG 11-29-2010 09:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly (Post 54350)
Monogamous relationships set themselves against the natural human tendency to wander and explore, and monogamists know it, .

I'm apparently not human because I don't have this tendency nor do I see it as natural for everyone...but I am mono :D
I guess if you have this tendency it's hard to imagine some one who doesn't;)

Kat 11-29-2010 09:35 PM

Interesting article. Thanks for sharing
 
I am mono and very new to this poly thing.

I was completely distraught when my bf first told me he wants to be poly, in large part because I donít want the hassle of living an alternative lifestyle. I already have to deal with the ďstigmaĒ of being a single mother and being the parent of a child with a psychological disorder. I donít relish the idea of giving society one more reason to judge me.

I chose to be a single parent because my husband was immature, disrespectful to me, and had addictions he refused to deal with. Our lives have been much better since heís been out of our lives.

Psychological problems just plain happen sometimes. I love my son just the same and dare someone to tell me to love him less.

But poly. Poly is not my choice. It does not directly make my life better. Itís this thing I do because my bf, whom I love more than anyone on the planet, needs this to feel complete.

Since we embarked on this journey called polyamory together, I have felt isolated from the rest of the world. I canít talk to my mono friends and family about our choice or what Iím feeling. I am terrified that people will catch on that my bf has another gf and:
a) feel sorry for me because my man is cheating on me and I donít know it or
b) feel sorry for me because Iím too stupid/needy/insecure/fill-in-the-blank to leave a man who is obviously cheating on me.

My bf and I actually read the article today and talked about my discomfort with societal issues. He is unconcerned with what society thinks, because itís no one elseís business how we love. And I can agree with him that itís no one elseís business. However, we made this choice for him, so I feel like he can more easily say ďI donít care what others think or sayĒ. I have chosen not to have relationships outside of ours. From the outside looking in, it doesnít appear that I am gaining anything out of agreeing to this type of relationship. Iím not pleased with being forced to live more differently. I believe in discretion. Iím a very private person. So I don't put my business out all over the place. But this decision makes me feel like Iím living in the shadows. And worse yet, if someone gets a glimpse of whatís going on in the shadows, they will pity me because I could do so much better.

Ready2Fly 11-29-2010 09:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 54354)
I'm apparently not human because I don't have this tendency nor do I see it as natural for everyone...but I am mono :D
I guess if you have this tendency it's hard to imagine some one who doesn't;)

Yeah... maybe it got away from me a little there.

MonoVCPHG 11-29-2010 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ready2Fly (Post 54367)
Yeah... maybe it got away from me a little there.

No worries LOL! I'm like a dog with a bone sometimes :)

MonoVCPHG 11-29-2010 10:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kat (Post 54361)
Since we embarked on this journey called polyamory together, I have felt isolated from the rest of the world. I canít talk to my mono friends and family about our choice or what Iím feeling. I am terrified that people will catch on that my bf has another gf and:
a) feel sorry for me because my man is cheating on me and I donít know it or
b) feel sorry for me because Iím too stupid/needy/insecure/fill-in-the-blank to leave a man who is obviously cheating on me.

My bf and I actually read the article today and talked about my discomfort with societal issues. He is unconcerned with what society thinks, because itís no one elseís business how we love. And I can agree with him that itís no one elseís business. However, we made this choice for him, so I feel like he can more easily say ďI donít care what others think or sayĒ. I have chosen not to have relationships outside of ours. From the outside looking in, it doesnít appear that I am gaining anything out of agreeing to this type of relationship. Iím not pleased with being forced to live more differently. I believe in discretion. Iím a very private person. So I don't put my business out all over the place. But this decision makes me feel like Iím living in the shadows. And worse yet, if someone gets a glimpse of whatís going on in the shadows, they will pity me because I could do so much better.

Thank you for sharing this. You are not alone in feeling this way. I think being mono in a poly relationship makes a lot of the societal judegement concerns very intense. I have the same worries at times although a lot less after two years. People (i.e. mono people) can't understand why I would be monogamous with someone who isn't. It's actually easier to just say you have an open relationship both ways and make lite of the relationship....BUT....that is a lie, because we are mono and the people who really know you will likely see right through it. It also can hurt our partners.

You are also not alone in feeling isolated from your mono friends...and this is not always an indication of just "how good of friends they really are". Often it is just a case of just "how different poly is". There are lots of really good people in my old community that I don't associate with anymore..partly because they don't understand "who I have become" and partly because I don't feel comfortable in environments where the woman I love is often judged.

So you end up between worlds..not fully in mono or poly circles. I'm comfortable there. The question is can you be comfortable there or will you fight to get them to understand you are the same person you always were and are not weak, a fool, being used, settling or otherwise unhealthy with the man you love?

polytriad 11-29-2010 10:46 PM

This is great info.....

but it is in essence things that I feel any healthy poly person/relationship would be aware of. There is no pro with out con. But who focuses on the negative to have a positive outcome? I know there are some who are naturally negative nancy's but not many go into a car thinking I'm going to crash right? I'll do preventative things such as a seat belt as a relationship should protect themselves form the negative....Best thing you can do with this info is use it to your advantage by being aware of the cons....

Just my 2 cents....
Spread the love....PT


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