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-   -   From Theory to Practice (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43657)

feef 03-28-2013 04:00 PM

From Theory to Practice
 
:rolleyes: I'll try to keep this brief, on why I'm here now.

Age 14 - Strongly identified as asexual - the thought of a partner being romantic or sexual with another person doesn't bother me.
Age 16 - Fall in love with two people. Confused. Resolved pretty quickly: "Hey, why can't I love two people?" Find Franklin Veaux's sprawling web empire. "Yeah, that makes sense!"
Age 18 - Sex drive finally starts booting up. Things are weird, new, and mostly good.

Just in case genders help visualize (I find they do): DK and WK - Gentlemen. Me and TJ - Ladies.

University!
Age 20 - Meet DK. Upfront about wanting to be poly. Date DK for a year before insecurity, fear, and different needs break us up.
Age 21 - Start dating WK. WK asks DK if it's okay, since it's soon after our break up and they're friends. WK finds out I'm poly from somewhere in the friend network, and is cool with it when I tell him.
Age 22 - WK and I are pretty serious. Move in together, meet parents.
Age 23 - I ask DK on a date, despite him living an hour away. Things seem to be a lot better between us, and we're liking it. WK completely ok with whole situation.

So, I'm 24 now. DK asked out another girl (TJ) who lives near him, and here's where shit hits the fan - she's really not comfortable with the whole situation. DK is very determined to make it work.

So.

I'll probably be lurking the forums and trying to gather ideas, strategies, and perspective. :) I've had poly brain for so long it's really hard to work my head around 'the other side'. We've never spoken, except 'through' DK, which I'm not happy about, but me making the move to contact would really upset her I feel. Ack. We'll see.

kdt26417 03-29-2013 03:13 AM

Greetings feef,
Welcome to our forum.

I can see why that would be a snag, that TJ isn't okay with the whole poly thing, but it mostly seems like a problem for DK and TJ to iron out between each other. It very well might help if TJ meets you in person, so give that a try.

Check out our boards and threads and see what calls to you; post any thoughts or questions you might have. This is a great site where you can learn a lot, as well as meet people and strike up new friendships.

I enjoyed the way you laid out your intro post; it was an easy read and easy to understand. I hope you enjoy your time amongst us.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

feef 03-29-2013 02:01 PM

Thanks for the welcome message, kdt!

Haha, well, I did a bit of lurking first. Seems like a lot of people come here for advice on situations, and laying out the situation can be pretty long and confusing, so, I tried.

It is between TJ and DK, but I'm trying to give all the love and support I can to DK, without comprising my "needs" in the relationship. I really would like to meet her/talk to her, but would rather DK bringing it up as we've never spoken yet, and I wouldn't want her to feel ambushed or pressured.

You know that ol' poly thing that flies around? We move at the pace of the slowest person? I just don't want that pace to be a standstill. I just gotta be patient and see how things go. :o

Stevenjaguar 03-29-2013 04:18 PM

IME people are either basically okay with sharing a lover or they're into the whole monogamy ownership shtick. If TJ breaks out in hives over the prospect of DK sleeping with you I don't see much future there somewhere.

kdt26417 03-29-2013 05:46 PM

Re:
Quote:

"You know that ol' poly thing that flies around? We move at the pace of the slowest person? I just don't want that pace to be a standstill."
That's true. It's reasonable to expect some progress, even if it's slow.

You will have to see if TJ develops a tolerance for poly. Some people just aren't wired that way. DK will have to make a decision on what to do about that, if TJ absolutely says "no," Then DK will have to choose.

It seems fine to let DK make the call on when you could meet with TJ. Just be willing to offer whatever support you can.

feef 03-29-2013 10:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar (Post 193601)
If TJ breaks out in hives over the prospect of DK sleeping with you I don't see much future there somewhere.

That's exactly what the case is right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417
Some people just aren't wired that way.

Yup, I think it's just difficult for DK or TJ to call it. After being broken up for the day, both were having second thoughts and trying to think of a way to make it work. They're having a cool-off-and-think week after things came to a head a few days ago, so, I'm doing thinking and homework too.

kdt26417 03-29-2013 11:47 PM

Continue your thinking and homework, and hopefully DK and TJ will make the best decision for the long-term.

feef 03-30-2013 10:28 PM

(Homework update)
I've been looking through the forums, and it's really good when I find something relevant, and then I go through the WHOLE thread. I figure I should keep updating this little intro thread in case somebody having metamour problems in the future and find it relevant.

I found this:
http://solopoly.net/2012/11/04/why-s...-relationship/
The TL;DR version is that the author, after a particularly bad experience, learns that having direct communication to metamours is completely essential to her relationships. Made a lot of sense to me.

kdt26417 03-31-2013 06:23 PM

Good article. It certainly illustrates the importance of keeping on top of communication, even if it's uncomfortable or "spoils the date." It's obviously true of metamours, but it's actually a good idea for poly in general as well. Just about any relationship, really.

Keep us posted on any news from the DK-TJ situation.

SchrodingersCat 03-31-2013 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feef (Post 193438)
So, I'm 24 now. DK asked out another girl (TJ) who lives near him, and here's where shit hits the fan - she's really not comfortable with the whole situation. DK is very determined to make it work.

That may not be up to him. Either she's willing to learn about poly and accept it, or she's not. It's not entirely fair for him to try and convince her, either, if she's not on board. I see that as relationship pressure, which isn't cool.

Quote:

Originally Posted by feef (Post 193583)
I really would like to meet her/talk to her, but would rather DK bringing it up as we've never spoken yet, and I wouldn't want her to feel ambushed or pressured.

Do you mean bring it up with her? Have you brought it up with him?

Assuming the first, that's reasonable. He's the one at the hinge at that vee, and it makes perfect sense for him to coordinate an initial meeting between the two arms.

Assuming the second, you can go grey waiting for someone to read your mind. Let him know you'd like to meet her and take it from there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stevenjaguar (Post 193601)
IME people are either basically okay with sharing a lover or they're into the whole monogamy ownership shtick. If TJ breaks out in hives over the prospect of DK sleeping with you I don't see much future there somewhere.

Monogamy does not necessarily assume a sense of ownership. For that matter, polyamory does not necessarily exclude it.

Everyone has the right to set their own boundaries and decide what components they're willing to have in their relationships. Choosing to exclude yourself from relationships that have a poly component does not make you possessive.


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