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-   -   Reasonable Boundaries (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4360)

glowinthedarkstars 11-28-2010 10:37 PM

Reasonable Boundaries
 
I am wondering, if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex. I am not like this but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been strugling with the concept of casual sex. There are options to deal with this,
one suggested was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night "ie. there will be drinking and im seeing this girl that i think is cute, something may happen" in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessining that "surprise factor". The other option I have is to suggest this sort of boundary.

I dont feel the desire to make any sorts of rules like "you can not have sex unless I am included" as I have no desire for that.

Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states id prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) may not even help me deal with my jealousy at all.

Other possibility brings me back to my original thought, would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?

I have trouble making boundaries because I feel a lot of jealousy and to me boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partnerS to a bunch of absurd boundaries and at the same time I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.

Ithink 11-28-2010 11:28 PM

Sounds to me like you and your partner need to do a WHOLE lot more communicating before either of you progress into a Poly relationship. IMHO when you, as a couple, move toward Poly BOTH of you should feel absolutely secure and comfortable in the knowledge that, no matter what else happens, your commitment to each other will still bond you together. Period. All the niggling little questions and fears have been brought out into the open and solutions either willingly agreed to or the emotion dragon has been slayed. If BOTH of you are not moving towards Ploy with a willing heart and an eager smile with just a tinge of anticipatory fear then there needs to be more communication and happy agreement or disaster awaits the union.
That's my two one hundredths of a dollar on the topic.
IThink.

eklctc 11-29-2010 01:17 AM

I would agree that thorough communication is in order but I do not believe their should be any issue with setting boundaries. Poly relationships are not about sex so, if you believe your partner is the type who can seek sex first before the relationship, maybe being poly is not the best fit. You guys can recruit via swinger's sites if that is primary for your partner. To me, once you've entered into a poly relationship, the sex is no longer casual so ... seems like there needs to be an in-depth sit down.

TL4everu2 11-29-2010 01:43 AM

Ummm....Having sex prior to a date, is classified as "swinging" to my wife and me. We have been out on 6 or 7 dates with the same woman within the last 3 weeks. Still not even as much as a kiss from her. I haven't tried to push it either. We are trying to build this relationship from the ground up, and are going super slow so we can make it last a lifetime. We really hate the hunt, and therefore, try to make things last as long as possible.

We have gone out on dates before and slept with the person/people on the first date. Two of those, turned into relationships which lasted around 3 years. This time though....we are hoping for a longer relationship. :)

redpepper 11-29-2010 07:06 AM

You can and should request a boundary for anything that you think you might, or are uncomfortable with... whether or not your partner agrees is up to them and if they don't then it's time to negotiate and get to the bottom of what is going on for you or them...

agreed, more communication.

Vinccenzo 11-29-2010 12:50 PM

About the only boundaries I find suspicious are the ones where partners are only allowed to choose a particular gender when they have attraction to both.
Such as when a male in a poly relationship insists that the female in the relationship only take on other female partners or VV.

polytriad 11-29-2010 11:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 54282)
You can and should request a boundary for anything that you think you might, or are uncomfortable with... whether or not your partner agrees is up to them and if they don't then it's time to negotiate and get to the bottom of what is going on for you or them...

agreed, more communication.

Rarely do I disagree with redpepper but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it...what is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didnt say anything? You already identified you differ in the realm of casual sex right? How would you feel if you were told that it makes your partner uncomfortable that you didnt have causal sex the first time you meet someone? .....


Boundaries are in my option covers for insecurities or deeper issues. Ask yourself why you need such a boundary? Are you afraid of something? get down to the bottom of why boundaries are needed...Boundaries set by those involved with one another are different then boundaries set by an outside party.

For example: if I were to tell wifey that I do not want her to kiss SlikkNikk in public, then that would be me setting the stage for a relationship that I'm not involved in especially if those involved disagree with said boundary. To add to that it also creates an issue with natural progress in a relationship. But one set by those involved like the one from 40 year old virgin "no sex for 20 dates" keeps those who are involved in control of their own relationship.

Just my thoughts
Spread the Love
PT

SNeacail 11-29-2010 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polytriad (Post 54375)
Rarely do I disagree with redpepper but here I do. You should think about why this boundaries is something that you need before discussing it...what is the point of talking to someone about how you feel if they can just continue on like you didnt say anything?

Some of us need to talk about something in order to get to the why of it and sometimes we also need the feedback of another to get there. It drives me crazy when my husband doesn't say anything, because he is still "thinking" about it, to me his is just ignoring me.

Ariakas 11-29-2010 11:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars (Post 54221)
I am wondering, if it is a reasonable boundary to request that a partner does not have causal sex prior to a date or two. The reason I ask this is because I know some see sex as a starting point in a relationship, or discover the connection they have with someone because of casual sex.

Ok...ummm...to reverse this, how comfortable would you be with your partner telling you to have sex on your first date to help them be comfortable with it being a sexual relationship.

I understand peoples boundaries but sometimes peoples styles are just different. If I meet the right person, sex becomes a big part of the getting to know you stage. I would be a little resentful if that was absolutely 100% restricted.

Now as a full grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches, no. But being forcibly restricted like that can be a tough pill to swallow.

Now, I can count on one hand (well less than) the number of times I have had casual sex and it didn't become more. So for me, sex is a gateway into a relationship of some kind. I am not likely to offer up my sexuality unless there is more than just a chance of bumping pelvises.

In the inverse, to further my example. I can count on 1 finger the number of people I took time to get to know, fall in love with and then have great sex with. (My girlfriend, listed in my signature for the record)

So if your partner is anything like me, you are restricting his ability to find love. Imo.

Quote:

I am not like this but I believe my partner is. While some days I still struggle to understand if being in poly relationship will ever be a perfect fit for me, I have learned to understand the possibilities and appeal of polyamory. I have however still been strugling with the concept of casual sex. There are options to deal with this,
one suggested was that my partner makes whatever effort possible to tell me he may be having sex that night "ie. there will be drinking and im seeing this girl that i think is cute, something may happen" in the hopes I can mentally prepare myself, perhaps lessining that "surprise factor". The other option I have is to suggest this sort of boundary.
How has that worked for you, that mental preparation? I will continue below.

Quote:

Likewise, I am unsure if making a boundary that states id prefer to know about possible sexual interaction before the event (if possible) may not even help me deal with my jealousy at all.
you have to figure that out. Does knowing at all actually help or hinder. Maybe those initial stages of his finding a relationship are best left unsaid. Oh I know, this is bordering on DADT. But its not. What wrong with him saying "I am interested in a girl, we have a date" and leave it at that. Let him build his relationship how HE builds it. Sometimes the details just get in the way of the big picture.

Quote:

Other possibility brings me back to my original thought, would you ever request that your partner get to know someone before having sex?
Never. :)

Quote:

I have trouble making boundaries because I feel a lot of jealousy and to me boundaries are sort of like compromises. I don't want to tie down my partnerS to a bunch of absurd boundaries and at the same time I do not want to sacrifice myself for a lifestyle that I don't feel is completely innate.
Most absurd boundaries are ones where the person is seeing their ruleset through their eyes only. Some people could use a real dose of removing the rose coloured glasses. You are asking questions, thats awesome, it means you are trying to process. Kudos to you :) :)

To others (whoever said swinging)
Since when did common dating practices become swinging? This type of casual sex encounter is as common as hanging out and waiting for someone you love to walk up and smack you on the head. It sounds like the bf in this case wants to be free to date as he would as a single man. Very different than swinging, which I think is very couple centric.

Casual sex is not the antithesis of poly. They can be married together nicely.

Ari

MonoVCPHG 11-30-2010 12:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 54386)
Now as a full grown adult who is able to control his hormones, will I run out and jump everyone who flinches, no.

I just have to correct this statement....I could stand on a chair and not be as tall as you...you're a bit more than "full grown" ;)


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