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-   -   third wheeling isn't so bad (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43586)

hangoutter 03-27-2013 03:45 PM

third wheeling isn't so bad
 
hey i'm new here
currently i'm in a very delicate situation
with a boy i'll call Red and a girl i'll call Teal
that i'm not too sure about
but overall, very happy with, at least for the time being

i have a history of monogamy
and have been friends with Red and Teal for years
following my more recent break up
they let me move in to their tiny spare room
and its graduated to more than a friendship over the past few months

we all have strikingly similar values
and our long-term goal is the same
(we've been discussing it before i even moved in)
but i want to tread very cautiously
and not fuck things up
because i'd hate for the plan to change

hopefully i can learn something here
that'll help with the little things i worry about
like how i'm so much closer to Teal but more intimate with Red
and if it's going to work out long term
which i really want it to

overall we have pretty great communication
a good sense of community, values and ethics
they've been the best roommates i've ever had on top of that
i'm fairly optimistic i just don't fully get it

BoringGuy 03-27-2013 03:58 PM

Is this a poem, or does it just play one on TV?

hangoutter 03-27-2013 04:09 PM

you like to tell jokes, huh?

Nox 03-27-2013 06:52 PM

Sounds like a good situation for as long as it works. Do you all have good communication?

hangoutter 03-27-2013 08:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by evad (Post 193297)
Sounds like a good situation for as long as it works. Do you all have good communication?

i think i have pretty good communication from me to them but
i kind of sense there's an issue between Red & Teal sometimes
nothing major, she is too timid to tell him some of the things she ends up telling me.

kdt26417 03-27-2013 10:57 PM

Hi hangoutter,
Welcome to our forum.

Don't worry about BoringGuy, he's pink but harmless. :)

Sounds like you sometimes get "caught as the middleman" between Red and Teal. It doesn't sound insurmountable, just encourage Teal to be as brave as she can and open up to Red a little more about what she's thinking and feeling.

Do you guys ever have sit-downs where all three of you get together (for oh an hour or so) to talk about your hopes, dreams, needs, wants, questions, concerns, answers, and issues? If not, you might want to start scheduling those, for once a week or once a month or what have you. This might give Teal the opportunity she needs to open up.

Sounds to me like you overall have a pretty good situation, but you are wise to locate this poly forum where you can learn what does and doesn't work in poly. Check out our various threads and post any questions you have. You may find the Golden Nuggets board and Life stories and blogs board particularly useful.

Any way we can help, we'll be happy to do so.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

hangoutter 03-28-2013 04:00 PM

the 'middleman' is a good way to put it i guess
Red expresses things to me that he hasn't to Teal as well
it doesn't make me uncomfortable but i wonder if it could end up hurting them in the long run?
sometimes i worry that i could end up harming their relationship, even though they're not exactly delicate
in fact their solidarity was part of why they were so attractive to me to begin with
it's still there but knowing them like this has given me new insight

sit-downs sound like a fine idea, we could always benefit from actually talking about these things
we've discussed at length future plans and current situations but the nature of the relationship
has always been something we skim over
i know it's because we're all a little ashamed
(maybe not ashamed, exactly, but very new and confused about what it means)

Teal is concerned about the sexuality aspect with Red, she's told me that a couple times
worried that he may actually be gay/looking for a cop out with me
i wish she'd ask him about it but it has the potential to be a very delicate conversation
broaching the subject with both of them in the room is certainly the best solution i'm sure
it's just a very intimidating
i'll save this for another time maybe

thanks Kevin
i spent a while reading through the forums yesterday
it's nice to know this is a real thing and we're not just weird haha

Lotsoflove 03-28-2013 06:45 PM

Hi Hangoutter,

I do not have any wise suggestion at the moment, but i do want to say i'm impressed by you.
By your bravery to try it out, eventhough it feels strange.
That you are open to learn from other peoples mistakes, and that you are curious to your new situation and to other peoples feelings (the couple you are living with)

At least you have the most important for it to work out...
Innocence, curiousity, honesty and tact (i do not know if that is the correct english word, but i mean that you know when to say and how to say things)
So i hope it turns out to be a wonderfull journey for all of you.

And i just really like your way of writing ;)

Wish you all the best,

Lotsoflove

kdt26417 03-28-2013 09:31 PM

I'm sure things will get easier as you get more comfortable with the situation. Keep us posted and let us know how things are going.

hangoutter 03-29-2013 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lotsoflove (Post 193465)
Hi Hangoutter,

I do not have any wise suggestion at the moment, but i do want to say i'm impressed by you.
By your bravery to try it out, eventhough it feels strange.
That you are open to learn from other peoples mistakes, and that you are curious to your new situation and to other peoples feelings (the couple you are living with)

At least you have the most important for it to work out...
Innocence, curiousity, honesty and tact (i do not know if that is the correct english word, but i mean that you know when to say and how to say things)
So i hope it turns out to be a wonderfull journey for all of you.

And i just really like your way of writing ;)

Wish you all the best,

Lotsoflove

thank you !
you're very kind

and Kevin thank you again, too
i'll have to start a thread in that stories forum
a written record could benefit me
and the people here seem very insightful so far


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