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-   -   Am I the one in the wrong? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4358)

Jessienesh 11-28-2010 06:51 PM

Am I the one in the wrong?
So yeah.. My fiancee of like, nearly five years here dropped something on me and it's gone downhill since the start of the week. Basically, at one point we had a roommate, a rather obnoxious guy in my opinion, that sat around and played world of warcraft all day, talking on teamspeak very loudly in the living room. With no motivation to do anything else useful in the very least. Ended up actually trying to skip town in the night without paying any of the rent they owed. Fiancee never acted upset about it, despite me disliking him. Now, nearly three years later. Apparently they'd been talking online and getting really close. Fiancee actually says he loves them now. I don't understand it personally but I'm not here to say who he can or cannot love.

Well, at the beginning of the week I was randomly informed that they'd be staying with us for three weeks because their living situation turned to hell. Something about being snowed out of their own home.. Since I've last seen them, they've also become a mtf trans. (Not the best looking one either, but that's not really the issue.) Well, turns out they more or less also got kicked out of that home, and so the living situation with us turned into an indefinite stay. Keep in mind, before this I had absolutely no idea this person was even close to my fiancee in that way. We've always had an open relationship, but never really taken too much advantage of it.

My fiancee desperately wanted me to try. To try to be nice to them, and get to know em', and I did. I really really did. It even got to the point of sexual contact amongst us.. Once. I feel like that was a mistake really though. Something that I forced, which I shouldn't have. Because in truth, I see this person as having very little to no personality. They're an absolute socialite. No real social skills whatsoever. On top of it all, they're a very blatant furry, and one of those elitist trans types. About the only thing this person is passionate about in any reguard really, is being a transgender. They have no skills, no hobbies, nothing that makes them interesting. Unless you consider warcraft and second life interesting, because that's the only thing they do with all their free time, instead of trying to find a job or a new place to live.

Either way. Since this person's arrival, I've gotten considerably more and more depressed. They've had to take over my 'office', turned it into their bedroom, so when they're ready to go to bed I can't even think of touching my computer. Though all their free time is spent in the living room.. Very loudly talking on teamspeak. I've nearly had a couple breakdowns and talking with my fiancee about it has led to him being increasingly more and more frustrated with me over it. He says he can't understand what the big deal is with them living here.

I don't know.. I'd just like to know from a third party, weather or not I'm overreacting. Or just being mean. Or if I brought it on myself for trying to force feelings for someone I really have utterly zero affection for? If ya actually read through this I'd definitely like to know.

nycindie 11-28-2010 07:03 PM

It's not unreasonable to want a say in who comes into your living space. Without even the element of this relationship between them, you were invaded! If I were you I would stand up for myself and set boundaries for you to be respected. Such as, this person needs to make an effort to find a job and contribute. No job within a certain amount of time and he's out the door. And you need access to your computer. Your fiance is being very inconsiderate, you live there too. Home should be a sanctuary - if you're not comfortable there, where you gonna go? Just because there are feelings between them doesn't mean you have to become a charity.

redpepper 11-28-2010 08:57 PM

Why are you allowing them to stay? When are they leaving? What moves are they making to make that happen? Time to put a foot down no?

I think if this were me I would be letting them know that it's time to go and that they have to leave by the end of the week. To my partner I would be saying, "yup, I tried it, not working... they have to go now. you can see them at their new place... make it happen or I am walking out." and then hold yourself to that... so what if they think you are a bitch, what do you care, you will get your sanity back and become comfortable again. The way I see it is you gave it a good go, it's not working, time they left.

Of course attitude is everything with things like this, so make a nice smile out of think air and be firm but kind. It's your house, your office and your life they are in... have a firm plan and an escape route and then stand your ground until they leave. Even if they move next door, its better than them being in your space.

Jessienesh 11-28-2010 09:03 PM

I'm allowing them to stay because they don't have anywhere else to go. I'd probably let someone I absolutely hated stay with me for a period if their only option otherwise was to be a hobo. Guess I'm just a nice person. I don't know. My incessant bitching to my fiance has led to him talking with them. They said they'll try to be out in a week or so, but people say a lot of things. I dunno. I still feel like the bad guy in it all, but I'm glad other people don't think so.

Iktomi 11-28-2010 10:16 PM

if it were me, i would give her a month to find a new place. it's not your fault she is doing nothing to improve her situation. it doesn't sound like you are restricting your partner's lovers, just the living situation. i think it's completely fair. just because your partner likes this person doesn't mean you have to.

eklctc 11-29-2010 01:24 AM

Seems like the decisions in this relationship are not mutual ones which, for me, means being engaged for five years is a good thing. Communication, desires, and tolerances really need to be discussed because, from my viewpoint, the relationship between the two main partners isn't anywhere near as healthy as it should be. I believe you need to completely open up to your fiancee about your feelings, the live-in needs to be given a definite time to move out (because even if the relationship is okay to continue between your fiancee and the trans, you obviously need your space and you need to be comfortable in your space), and you and your fiancee should consider counseling to build communication, emotional balance, and compromise. Just my two cents...

dragonflysky 11-29-2010 05:52 AM

Moochers are moochers....poly or not!! I don't have a lot of respect for someone who won't get out and try and find work or try and pick up the slack at home with extra housekeeping chores, cleaning, cooking, etc. to help out those who have jobs outside of the home. They're adults. They need to hold up their end of things and stop being victims expecting everyone else to take care of them.

redpepper 11-29-2010 06:54 AM

Jan 1st seems reasonable to me... MORE than reasonable, especially if all that they do is play the game of life on line. Time to live it!

FitChick 11-30-2010 05:31 AM

Agreed,you need to set an end date to this arrangement. And I do think it was a bit selfish to have these peope foisted on you,you have a right to feel comfortable in your own home.

Fidelia 12-04-2010 04:33 AM

You have already been more than hospitable, and you are being taken advantage of.

In my household, the Pioneer Rule is always in effect: if you don't work, you don't eat. Seriously. There is always some way to contribute.

In your op you say this person (or is it more than one?) was originally going to stay three weeks. If you explicitly agreed to three weeks, I'd say try to stick it out for that 21 days but make it clear that day 22 was not up for negotiation. Being asked to try, you've tried and it's isn't working for you. No harm, no foul, the situation just didn't work out. If there was never any specific timeline established, I would establish one. It is your right as one of the contributing members of the household. If you're feeling generous, 14 days should be sufficient.

On the other hand, if you're pissed off that your home has been infested by slacker/s, you might also consider pulling on your butt-kicking boots and putting them to work. That's what I would do. Honestly, if it were me, I would already be soaking in a hot tub working out the knots I had gotten in my legs by kicking his/her/their sorry ass/es up and down both sides of my street to make damn sure s/he understood that such triflin'-ass ways were not welcome in any part of my house, my life, my any-dam-thing! And then I would have a "frank and open" discussion with my lover on how these situations can best be avoided in the future. But maybe that's just me . . . :cool:

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