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-   -   Mono submissive, new to poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43432)

crisplove 03-25-2013 02:29 AM

Mono submissive, new to poly
 
Hmmm, where to begin?

I've spent the past week reading through posts on the site, specifically Mono's success in poly thread.

I find myself in a poly relationship.

I'm very mono. I had no idea how mono I was until I started down this road.

About a month ago I started a relationship with a man who is poly. I met his primary. We've hung out together as a "family". She says she's okay with all of this, but I have these bouts of jealousy (??).

I like her a lot. We can be great friends. I don't begrudge her relationship with him. It's just that I want him. I want to wake up next to him. I want to be with him when I know I can't. We are in the same circle of friends. To their circle, they are a couple and he is not out as poly.

Yesterday, they went to a party together. A party which I probably would have been at had I not been so busy. My friends were there and they were there as a couple.

Had I been there, how would that have worked? Would he have hung out with her the whole time and left me hanging? Would I have been a third wheel?

We were out one night (all 3 of us) and met one of her friends and it was cool. I was fine with the whole thing.

But my circle is a different story. I don't want to be known as the "other woman" in my own circle of friends. Sigh:-(

Help!

LovingRadiance 03-25-2013 02:42 AM

What would you like for help?

crisplove 03-25-2013 03:05 AM

Loving Radiance, my first question would be, how do I introduce him in my world?

I want to introduce him as we are seeing each other. I want to be able to hang out with him. I want him to know my friends and I want them to know him.

How do I introduce him in a way that honors our relationship and honors his existing relationship?

Keep in mind that I'm certain that they will see him out with C as they are in the established relationship.

SchrodingersCat 03-25-2013 04:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisplove (Post 192798)
Yesterday, they went to a party together. A party which I probably would have been at had I not been so busy. My friends were there and they were there as a couple.

These are questions that can only be answered by talking to them.

When I'm out with my husband and girlfriend, it's a challenge to share myself equally. Since I'm in a little bit different situation (my husband is only home 4-6 days a month), I tend to give him the lion's share of my attention. My girlfriend understands my situation and is accepting of that, which doesn't mean it doesn't hurt her feelings sometimes, just that she deals with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisplove (Post 192805)
Loving Radiance, my first question would be, how do I introduce him in my world?

"Hello, World. I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, Rick. Rick, meet my friend, World."

Quote:

I want to introduce him as we are seeing each other. I want to be able to hang out with him. I want him to know my friends and I want them to know him.
Is there something preventing that? Has he asked you to keep your relationship a secret? If so, is that something you're willing to live with? If not, do you have any room to negotiate a different arrangement?

Quote:

How do I introduce him in a way that honors our relationship and honors his existing relationship?
"Hello, World. I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Rick and his girlfriend Cindy. Rick, Cindy, meet my friend, World."

I personally don't use the labels "primary" and "secondary" so I, myself, wouldn't introduce her as his primary. If they feel the need to make that hierarchy clear to your friends, let them worry about how to do that.

crisplove 03-25-2013 04:32 AM

Quote:

"Hello, World. I'd like you to meet my boyfriend Rick and his girlfriend Cindy. Rick, Cindy, meet my friend, World."
That would be simple if we were in a poly world.

None of us are ready to be introduced that way. He isn't "out" to his friends. She wants to get married and in some conversations we've had has mentioned that this is just sex. And I am brand new to ALL of this.

So, is there a step before the introduction?

Nox 03-25-2013 04:37 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisplove (Post 192826)
That would be simple if we were in a poly world.

None of us are ready to be introduced that way. He isn't "out" to his friends. She wants to get married and in some conversations we've had has mentioned that this is just sex. And I am brand new to ALL of this.

So, is there a step before the introduction?

This is all new to me too, so feel free to ignore it :)

It seems you should do whatever makes you comfortable. If it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't. Things can change. You can get more used to it. But there's no need to force things.

kdt26417 03-25-2013 06:01 AM

Hi crisplove,
Welcome to our forum.

I think before you start introducing each other to each other's friends, you need to (each) sit down with your friends *without* the new partners present, and say, "Guys, I'm in a polyamorous relationship. I wanted to find out how you felt about that." Then be ready to answer lots of questions, since there may be a lot of questions.

You can think about new partners actually getting introduced to other partners' friends after it's establish which friends are and are not accepting about the poly thing by itself.

I would do a lot of reading on this site, to find out what has worked and what hasn't. Places to start:

Golden Nuggets board
Life stories and blogs board

Explore the various boards and threads, see what calls to you, and post your thoughts and questions as they come up.

Just take it a little at a time; you can do this.

Regards,
Kevin T.

crisplove 03-25-2013 11:16 AM

Evad, I'm in. I want to explore this. I'm just trying to figure out how to integrate it and how I am going to integrate with him (many conversations on that to come).

Kevin, thank you SO much. The first step for all of us would be just coming ou individually. I'm not interested in having multiple relationships. I'm just with someone who is. And, I'm walking into an existing dynamic. So, my feelings are around how do I fit in as the third.

For now, since this is all new, I can focus on my relationship with him and just 'date'. I can clue my friends in slowly. I can continue to chat with C (his girlfriend).

kdt26417 03-25-2013 10:33 PM

Sounds like a good plan. Keep us posted, and let us know however we can help.

SchrodingersCat 03-27-2013 01:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisplove (Post 192805)
Loving Radiance, my first question would be, how do I introduce him in my world?

Quote:

Originally Posted by crisplove (Post 192826)
That would be simple if we were in a poly world.

None of us are ready to be introduced that way. He isn't "out" to his friends.

So, is there a step before the introduction?

Oh, ok... so your first question isn't "How do I introduce him to my friends," it's "How do I out him to my friends?"

Because if he's not out and he does not want to be out, and you know that your friends are going to see him with his girlfriend eventually, then you basically can't tell your friends that he's your boyfriend. Since you describe yourself as living in a non-poly world, that means they'll assume he's cheating on one or both of you.

So the first thing is, you ask him if he minds you telling your friends he's poly. If he says he minds, then you need to decide how you feel about that arrangement. Are you comfortable being his "dirty little secret?"

Suppose you're at that party you mentioned. Do you mind that he will friend-zone you for the entire night, so that his other friends don't figure him out? Are these things you can live with in a relationship? Some people can. Personally, I can't. Your usage of "left me hanging" suggests you can't, either.

One thing to note: coming out to your friends will entail coming out to his friends, since you seem to have overlapping social circles. People love to talk, and this kind of gossip is way too juicy to stay hidden for long. He's much better off telling his friends himself than letting them find out through the grapevine. Not only will the gossip-route lose all the "important" details, but his friends may feel betrayed that he didn't feel he could tell them.

Quote:

She wants to get married and in some conversations we've had has mentioned that this is just sex. And I am brand new to ALL of this.
How do you feel about that? Do you want a relationship with him that is described as "just sex?" If that's not what you really want, then the three of you have some talking to do. What do you envision getting out of this relationship? What are her boundaries in her own relationship? What does your boyfriend want? What compromises are they willing to make?


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