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-   -   Marriage, jealousy and new feelings.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43346)

dryad 03-23-2013 12:06 PM

Marriage, jealousy and new feelings..
Hi all, I'm new to the forum but not to polyamory. I've been poly all my life but only started practising poly openly when I married my husband in 2008. He accepted it and while he's not poly, he was OK with the fact that I was. I met someone shortly after we married and had a relationship with him alongside the marriage. The only rule was, no sex - hubby and I agreed that sex would just be for us.

The relationship with Ben lasted about 6 months and then ended when I became pregnant (hubby and I had been trying for a baby). It ended peacefully and I was happy to practise a mono relationship with my husband.

Hubby later told me, since the birth of our son, that I wasn't happy about my relationship with Ben, that he just put up with it because he loved me, but that it tore him apart inside.

I hadn't realised this and felt awful about it but we talked and he accepted that it's just who I am. I said I'd try to 'change' and be mono, in order to save our marriage..

Well fast forward to now and I've met someone else. We'll call him Liam. I have fallen for him and he feels the same, but doesn't want a relationship with me. I'm not sure I even want a relationship with him but I really need to somehow express my feelings and love for him. I still love my husband and don't want to leave him. I want our marriage to work but he is not OK with how I feel about Liam. I told him last night and he was distraught. I don't know what to do. I'm not 100% happy in my marriage but I want to try and make it work. But I can't change how I feel. I can't become someone I'm not. I am in love with 2 people and there's nothing I can do about it!

Hubby keeps asking me what he can do to make me happy. I think the only thing he can do is accept that I am who I am and I am in love with 2 people. Like I said I don't think I want a relationship with Liam but I need to somehow be with him, on some level. We've been spending a lot of time together as friends and when we kissed yesterday it became clear to us both that there's more to it than friendship.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do!

Malfunktions 03-23-2013 01:10 PM

Your husband should accept who you are but his insecurities are clouding both your and his mind.

Is he afraid of sexual partners? Non-sexual partners? Or just not cool with you off with another man?

Have you told him how you feel? And how he's making you feel like a dirty ad guy for loving?

dryad 03-23-2013 01:14 PM

What he doesn't understand is how I can be in love with too people, and the fact that I love Liam doesn't mean I love hubby any less. I think that it's jealousy, and almost like I'm destroying the sacred bond of our marriage? He says he feels lost and confused and sad that he doesn't make me happy. But he DOES make me happy - I can't seem to get through to him that I can be in love with 2 people. I don't know why after all this time, he doesn't seem to understand. He seemed to understand it when we got married. But now, he's not OK with it. Maybe because he's got used to having me to himself?
I told him I'm not happy, because for a while I haven't been happy. But I think that's my issue (alcohol issues, illness etc) but he takes that to mean that I'm not happy with HIM.

Malfunktions 03-23-2013 01:24 PM

Sometimes getting to Km's their paramours helps. Not saying it will for him but its worth a try. Why not the three of you go to coffee?

Maybe he just needs time to absorb.

Send him here! Do research together, watch shows on poly, read publications.
Maybe he jat needs the education!

dryad 03-23-2013 01:29 PM

I don't think he'd go for that - meeting Liam. He doesn't want to see him. He sees him as "the other man" even though it isn't that black and white. I will try and educate him but he's putting barriers up :( What do you mean by "Km's their paramours"?

Malfunktions 03-23-2013 01:33 PM

Sorry that was auto correct. "Know"

Sometimes subtlety wins in the game of curiosity. I left a book in our bathroom magazine holder. He eventually got curious enough to read some of it.

dryad 03-23-2013 01:54 PM

I think he really wants an answer to his question "why aren't I enough for you?" But obviously it's not like that, it's not that black and white. How do you handle a question like that?

Malfunktions 03-23-2013 02:02 PM

First, I have to correct myself, I meant metamor not paramor and we move on!

It's a natural progression. Just like there is 7 stages of grief, there are stages to working through this. Communication is key but I suggest giving him some time.

If you can maybe suggest to new guy that you need to chill til husband is on board, I know it sucks but by pushing him, u may lose him.

dryad 03-23-2013 02:12 PM

Thank you.

Natja 03-23-2013 02:16 PM

The thing that worries me is whether your husband knew about you being Poly before you married him? If you only told him after you married well that could really constitute a bait and switch. Now I know he said he accepted it, but it was admittedly a lie based on fear. Since you made the commitment to him and you have no other commitment at the moment, you have to make a choice between putting all halt on outside romantic attachments and see whether you could ever make your husband feel secure enough to accept Poly, you can accept your husband wants a mono marriage and live with that or you can end your marriage.

Whatever happens you can't have Liam right now and pursuing it would be quite selfish at this time.

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