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-   -   Suggestions on how to find out how my husband feels (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43304)

kellyandb 03-22-2013 09:15 PM

Suggestions on how to find out how my husband feels
 
So, I am very, very new to the subject of poly. My husband and I are a very loving couple who have an incredible amount of communication. We have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 7 years. We also have children.

Months ago, we were talking about our attraction to other people. He is very attracted to my female friend and I am attracted to her husband. It is strange and I am not sure how it even came about. We have a close relationship with them and they do with us also. My husband flirts with her and she flirts back with him. Of course, I think it is cute and we talk all the time about it. Right now we agree flirting is healthy in our relationship. We still are very committed to each other and will be. We joke about having other relationships while having ours too (and not just in a sexual way). I am not sure what he thinks of possibly trying the lifestyle of poly but I am very curious.

I would like to have a conversation about it but I don't want to be too blunt or come on too strong and scare him off (not that he would go anywhere). If he is not open to this, I am okay will staying monogamous. I tend to love others more than most people do. I love my friends and have a connection with them in a way I don't with other people. Anyway, I would love to hear if anyone has any suggestions in a way to bring it up and see what he thinks in a way that isn't too strong.

We are both Christians but are pretty laid back. My husband and I just finished our first journey of being a surrogate for another family who couldn't have kids. Some other Christians had a problem with it but we wanted to give other families children where they couldn't themselves.

Any suggestions or thoughts are welcome. Thank you for reading. :)

BSP83 03-23-2013 12:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kellyandb (Post 192421)
So, I am very, very new to the subject of poly. My husband and I are a very loving couple who have an incredible amount of communication. We have been in a monogamous relationship for the past 7 years. We also have children.

Months ago, we were talking about our attraction to other people. He is very attracted to my female friend and I am attracted to her husband. It is strange and I am not sure how it even came about. We have a close relationship with them and they do with us also. My husband flirts with her and she flirts back with him. Of course, I think it is cute and we talk all the time about it. Right now we agree flirting is healthy in our relationship. We still are very committed to each other and will be. We joke about having other relationships while having ours too (and not just in a sexual way). I am not sure what he thinks of possibly trying the lifestyle of poly but I am very curious.

I would like to have a conversation about it but I don't want to be too blunt or come on too strong and scare him off (not that he would go anywhere). If he is not open to this, I am okay will staying monogamous. I tend to love others more than most people do. I love my friends and have a connection with them in a way I don't with other people. Anyway, I would love to hear if anyone has any suggestions in a way to bring it up and see what he thinks in a way that isn't too strong.

We are both Christians but are pretty laid back. My husband and I just finished our first journey of being a surrogate for another family who couldn't have kids. Some other Christians had a problem with it but we wanted to give other families children where they couldn't themselves.

Any suggestions or thoughts are welcome. Thank you for reading. :)

My first thought is this...if you are a loving couple who has no problem communicating, why should this be any different?

Bring it up to him in a way that you are comfortable with. Maybe something like "I heard about this thing the other day, it's called polyamory..." and go from there. You aren't asking him for anything at this time, right? I say go for it and find out exactly what he thinks of things! :)

kdt26417 03-23-2013 02:04 AM

Yep. Tell him you have been thinking about polyamory, and ask him what he thinks of it. Simple as that, and let the conversation evolve from there.

Could be that the conversation will be divided into bits here and there, as he might need time to think about this or that before responding. But you could always answer any questions he may have.

I also suggest you have a look around our site at the various threads, and see what looks particularly interesting to you. Lots to learn here. Read, read, and post whenever you have any thoughts, concerns, or questions.

Perhaps even your husband would be willing to check out this site? Something to think about.

dryad 03-23-2013 12:26 PM

Hi, just wanted to say that I'm in a similar situation right now and am interested to se what others say, so I'm following this post.

Malfunktions 03-23-2013 01:00 PM

Why not sit him down and simply ask, "is your attraction to her playful? Or do you care for her?"
If he stammers reassure him that it's ok you are attracted to her husband. Then mention that you came across poly.
Explain to him that poly gives you the chance to define yourselves as individuals with in a relationship as having the ability to love more than one. Communication is key to success, remember, and there will have to be guidelines that the two if you should discuss before you jump in the pool.

Fret not, if your communication is as good as you say it is than grabbing the bull by the proverbial horns could be all you need. ( I'm a very blunt person so when I discussed the option with my SO, I got it all out in one breath, terrified he'd look at me with two heads. Instead he said "ok." )

Don't be afraid. Ask us more questions! That's what we're here for!


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