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-   -   Doom! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43294)

opalescent 03-22-2013 06:58 PM

This is a personal rant. I read folks posting about their situations. And frequently, I think to myself, 'Oh, this is going to end badly for all involved.'

My feelings of doom are not always accurate. Some folks do figure stuff out. We don't get the other sides of the story and people often don't update. But, yeah, my initial impression is often correct and it all ends in tears.

I generally don't post on such threads. Other folks here have much more ability to be helpful than I do - I really admire those folks.

I could tell them that they are in midst of NRE, to get a grip and slow down. I could tell them to look at similar situations on the forum for lessons. I used to do that kind of post more. But often I have nothing to contribute beyond a general sense of impending doom on their part. And that is just not useful to them or me. So I refrain from posting.

But it is frustrating. I would prefer to tell people about that oncoming train toward which they are running headlong. I would like people to be able to hear the warning whistles.


GalaGirl 03-22-2013 07:35 PM

I see that it frustrates you. It happens. I hope a vent helps you feel a bit better.


I would prefer to tell people about that oncoming train toward which they are running headlong.
The telling? That is your behavior that you can control. And the how and when of the telling. So if you want to tell and share your POV, tell. That's what forums are for -- sharing things when you feel like giving input.


I would like people to be able to hear the warning whistles.
That's another kettle of fish. People's ability to be open to receive? That's partly based on their willingness skills, perspective, ability, emotional state at the time, etc. Even if they listen, they could choose to do otherwise.

When I read doomy sounding things, I try to just accept it as it is. THIS is the situation at hand. I try to share my POV. Then let the person find their way in their situation at hand -- processing and arriving at their next choice for themselves. They are the ones living their life.

We are all free to choose. We are not free of the consequences of our choice. That is actually a truly wonderful thing!

As for the development of good judgement? People are people. They get themselves into Life, and then the struggles and problems of living their Life.


"What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun." NIV

"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment."

Will Rogers

"Just when you'd think they were more malignant than ever Hell could be, they could occasionally show more grace than Heaven ever dreamed of. Often the same individual was involved. It was this freewill thing, of course. It was a bugger. "

Good Omens, Terry Pratchett.
Life is wonderfully weird. Humor helps. It helps me, anyway.


StudentofLife 03-22-2013 07:38 PM

This makes me want to ask you a question. In all of your time here, how often have you read about a situation that you have never heard of before, one that makes you think "Holy cow, *this* is something different! No idea what might happen here."?

I have searched the archives until my eyeballs are dry and dusty, and still can't find anything that is even close to my own situation, so even after all the time I've been lurking, I still don't have the answers I came looking for. Sadly for me, I can't explain either, since these details are about my girlfriend's personal life, and I don't have her permission, and she doesn't post here.

I did talk briefly with one person here I felt safe with, and I got the impression he had never encountered anything exactly like it either. So even with all the experiences this board has to offer, I'm still in the dark.

What advice might you offer someone in my position? Do I just need to man up and ask girlfriend directly if this forum is anonymous enough for her to feel safe with basic facts being revealed?

I'm sorry if this derailed your intent for this thread, but it caught my eye.

Thanks. :-)

opalescent 03-22-2013 09:04 PM


Yes, I'm new to poly - just a few years in - and there are situations where I just shake my head, and say that's a new one.

The forum is searchable by Google so if you give out too much specific information, people could possibly figure out who you and your girlfriend are. If you keep personal and location data generic, that is one way to guard your identity. Also don't use a screen name you use anywhere else.

However, Private Messages are not searchable. (Dear forum friends, if this is not true, please jump in now and correct me!)

You are welcome to PM me if you like. I don't know what help I may be but I'm happy to listen.

Also, if you find someone on the forum whose posts resonate with you, many people here are open to getting a PM from others. You can PM people without interacting with them first - although that is helpful.

StudentofLife 03-22-2013 11:19 PM

Thank you so much. I will PM you and be grateful for any thoughts you might have.

LovingRadiance 03-22-2013 11:40 PM

The first year or so, I was compelled to say "OMG THAT'S A TRAIN TRACK!"

But, after 3+ years of watching people insist that theirs isn't a train track, continue on and then whine and cry when the train runs them down-
I find myself frequently just browsing and scrolling through without comment.

Occasionally something touches me for one reason or another and I post. More frequently I get pm's from random new posters who've read something I wrote previously asking me my thoughts on their situation. THOSE I much more enjoy replying to, because they also tend to be the people who are interested in actually doing something with the suggestions.

Student-I can honestly say that I can count on two hands how many times I've read situations on here and thought "WOW how unusual! Never heard/seen anything like that before."
At the same time, there have certainly been situations where it looks obvious as heck-and turned out to be something altogether different.

Anyway-feel free to pm me if you want another perception on any given question/thought. Can't say I would have the answer you need-but always willing to consider.

BoringGuy 03-22-2013 11:49 PM

Trainwreck. Not track.

LovingRadiance 03-22-2013 11:57 PM

no, train track-they are on the train track-heading for the wreck that comes when the train crashes into them. :)

The trainwreck is people like me who post after they already created the crash. :)

StudentofLife 03-23-2013 12:04 AM

Thank you, LR. A PM has been sent, and I appreciate any insight you might have.

Malfunktions 03-23-2013 12:06 AM

Everyone's on a train track lol LIFE is that track.. The train just seems to be whichever problem/decision you are facing at the time.

So far, I haven't been chased down by the train too bad usually because I come across a track switch. One of those points with the lever.
To say I avoid is an understatement but posting here has certainly open my eyes.
Reading situations for me as a newbie is very much an OMG moment every day but I also think I share the same fore vision as the OP. Maybe I'm just a pessimist when it comes to some situations but I read and scroll and retain, and sometimes am left speechless. I try not to post where I feel I can't help.

There should be a page engine that gives the reader an option to choose a positive icon or a negative icon. Lol not unlike the infamous "like" button only more focused on impending "doom" or "bliss" LOL:cool:

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