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-   -   question on making sure metamors are ok with things (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43289)

Piroska 03-22-2013 05:56 PM

question on making sure metamors are ok with things
To be brief:
I have a crush on a man, let's call him Falcon; we talked about it, he's dating a woman who he's been talking about poly with, and he has some freedom to play under specific circumstances (that involve public performance scenes - yes, we're both in the bdsm community) but they hadn't yet clarified her stance on relationships not under those specific circumstances.

He's been alternating backing off and ignoring my messages on facebook, being fairly platonic when we see each other each week at rehearsals, and being very affectionate, sexual, and messaging me every other day. I've tried to bring up his girlfriend in the messages - casual, non confrontational - just to feel out how she's reacting and if the way things are going is okay for her, because I absolutely don't want to hurt her or mess that up - but he doesn't reply to those parts of the messages. I'm not a threat to her - sure, in my run away imagination I can see he and I having a relationship for years (Falcon and my husband/dom, Guy, get along really well too, which is awesome beyond words), but I'm not looking to replace her, drive her away, upset her, or anything like that - and if she is not okay with this in this early stage, I will end it immediately.

But I'm really worried about her (lets call her JQ). I want to make sure everyone is on the same page and is all okay, but I've only met her a couple times, months ago, before I got permission to even think about poly with a man. I don't know her last name, so I can't cyberstalk her, if she's even online - his facebook does not list her in his relationships and he lists himself as single.

So the question is: how do I ask Falcon point blank about JQ without coming across like I feel that he's lying about her being okay with the level we're at now? (I don't think he's lying, I've never gotten a bad vibe from him, everything I know about him and everything I've heard from his friends says he's a great guy - I'm just paranoid because he hasn't been really clear; his behavior alters by the week, warm or cool; I don't know if this is him not feeling sure about him and me, or if somethings up with him and her.)

Thanks for any advice!

Anneintherain 03-22-2013 09:36 PM

Well I'd just say "Im curious about your relationship agreements with JQ and how they might affect me/us. Could we talk about the agreements we have with other partners so we can make sure we are on the same page and I don't have to worry about overstepping any boundaries?" Or something similar.

If he has trouble answering that, I would back off personally, anybody who isn't clear on their own agreements is too much potential drama for me. (ymmv) If he cleared it up for me though, THEN I'd ask about the running hot and cold thing

LovingRadiance 03-22-2013 11:59 PM

For me personally:

"I don't date people without meeting and confirming for myself that their current partners are ok with it. I was wondering when would be convenient for the three/four/five etc of us to meet up?"

Emm 03-23-2013 12:29 AM

If he won't facilitate a face-to-face meeting ask him to give her your email address or phone number with a request that she contact you. If he keeps delaying or making excuses then you refuse to go any further with him until you've spoken with her and confirmed for yourself that it's all above board, because at that point it's starting to look suspicious.

nycindie 03-23-2013 03:32 AM

I agree with all the above suggestions.

Piroska 03-23-2013 08:16 PM

Thanks for the suggestions. Diplomatic but firm. I like it. Fingers crossed that everything goes well tomorrow!

SchrodingersCat 03-24-2013 12:22 AM

I'm with LR. I personally don't date people without meeting their other partners. It's not so much to make sure they're telling the truth. I like to think I'm a fairly good judge of character. I just need to know if anyone in my sphere is a psycho and if I should get the fuck out before it's too late.

Plus, I've found it's not uncommon for metamours to be good friends. Not always of course, everyone's different... but if you're both in to the same guy, there's a pretty good chance you have some things in common.

And it always helps to meet people so you see each other as a real person, not some ephemeral object of competition. If things get serious, you will eventually need to talk personally about issues that come up, not going through Falcon. No matter how good someone might be at communication, nobody is perfect at the Telephone Game, which relies on reinterpreting someone else's interpretation. If there's confusion, he would be guessing at the clarification. If you speak with her directly, she can ask you "Is this what you mean?" and you can clarify.

Marcus 03-26-2013 01:44 AM

It isn't a requirement for me to meet my lovers lovers, but it would be a red flag to me if they avoided talking about them or avoided us meeting. That would tell me that I am missing something which would tell me I need to slow WAY down on how attached I'm getting to this person.

That being said:


Originally Posted by Eslynne (Post 192374)
I'm just paranoid because he hasn't been really clear; his behavior alters by the week, warm or cool; I don't know if this is him not feeling sure about him and me, or if somethings up with him and her

It sounds to me like you're not sure where you stand with him. While I'm sure having some imaginary significant other in the ether is a distraction for you, I would suggest not overthinking it.

As far as I can tell people in monogamous and polyamorous relationships approach meeting and showing interest about the same. If he's hot and cold and you don't know where you stand with him then I'd avoid convincing yourself that it has anything to do with his other girl. It might have something to do with her, but it might also be LITERALLY anything else (work, hobbies, friends, he isn't that into you).

Personally I think if you want to know where you stand with him then ask him that. If he says "The sun rises and sets in your eyes, your hair is like gold spun by angels, your ass tastes like French Vanilla ice cream"... that would be a good opportunity for you to say "Ok, then what gives? I find myself not sure of how you feel about me".

I'm sure you can come up with a softer version.

Piroska 03-26-2013 12:26 PM

Thanks for the advice.

I really would like to meet JQ in person again, to actually talk to her, rather than just a 'hi nice to meet you', but at the least I'd like to be able to communicate via email or phone.

Yeah, Marcus, I am definitely over thinking everything. This is still new, and Falcon's not that great at communicating when not in person.

He also didn't respond to the (single) text, voicemail or facebook message I left over the course of the week (I tried to be light and brief and not desperate sounding, hopefully I succeeded); so I figured I'd see him at rehearsal and be able to talk to him. But he didn't show, and didn't let anyone know he wasn't coming, which is really weird (and according to his friends unusual for him). So I'm just trying to chill and not let my runaway imagination go into hyperdrive, because as you said, it could be literally anything at all in his life that went crazy on him and he just couldn't think about anything else. (I just hope it wasn't anything awful like an accident or a family crisis or something.) And it could be that he's just not that into me if he didn't take a half a minute to text me back that he was dealing with something.

So I'm just going to put it out of my mind and be cool and see if he contacts me. (Won't see him this weekend, but the weekend afterwards he will have to talk to me if he doesn't drop out, since we're in a scene together.)

SchrodingersCat 03-27-2013 02:14 AM


Originally Posted by Marcus (Post 193025)
If he's hot and cold and you don't know where you stand with him then I'd avoid convincing yourself that it has anything to do with his other girl. It might have something to do with her, but it might also be LITERALLY anything else (work, hobbies, friends, he isn't that into you).

Boy, that's the truth. Chances are, he doesn't even realize he's being that way.

I still remember this call I got from my girlfriend. Actually, it started with a "we need to talk" on fb. I was like "what's wrong?" She said "Well, you, actually." And I'm all like "whaaatt? What did I do?" "Well, it's more what you didn't do."

Eventually we realized that we just weren't on the same page about what we expected out of the relationship. She's always been the super-attached type, I've always been more laid-back and easy-going, usually wrapped up in my own little world, rather oblivious to what's going on around me.

She almost broke up with me that day, because she didn't feel I was meeting her needs in our relationship. But me, being the type of person I am, I was just like "Well, this is how I am. I don't plan to change. I can try to be a little more attentive, but I'll never be the person it sounds like you want me to be. If that means we have to break up, well that sucks, but I guess that's how it is." That wasn't what she expected. She's always been the one being chased, so she's always been able to set the tone for her relationships. She wasn't prepared for the conversation turning in that direction. But at the end of it all, she decided that being with me was worth changing her expectations. Now, about 9 months later, she thanks me for "teaching" her independence in relationships.

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