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-   -   A Brief History (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4320)

Lotus 11-26-2010 12:33 AM

A Brief History
My husband (who also posts here as Pantheist) and I have known each other for five and a half years (we met in February 2005 and two months later we were dating).

When he asked me to be his girlfriend, he made sure to let me know first that he had other girlfriends, and that he was going to continue seeing them.
I was a tender 19 years old and had never had a boyfriend (yes, it does still happen). I wasn't really looking for one but I thought, why not? He's cute, my friends like him, my sister (who was my best friend) liked him.
I had my first boyfriend and my first kiss within seconds of each other. Ten points (I award myself points for accomplishing milestones :rolleyes:).
Somehow, (and I'm being entirely honest) within the first several months of us dating the other relationships came to an end.
Neither of us, having the same small group of friends, all of whom were dating amongst themselves and not polyamorous, did not try too hard to find more partners (there are other reasons involved: time spent at school/work/with family, the usual).

And this is how we were for several years; him polyamorous but with the same small group of friends that didn't really add anyone new, and me discovering a little more every day that I had a very jealous, angry, ever-so-slightly violent nature (I promise, I have never caused any one or any thing physical harm).

Over the years he has helped me work on my issues. It's taken over three years, several arguments, gallons of tears and boxes upon boxes of tissue (FYI: don't use tissue with Vicks added...it hurts when you dab your eyes...).

He recently asked a young woman that we both know and like if she would like to be his girlfriend. She said yes.
This will be the first time in our relationship that he has had a real relationship other than ours.

We'll see how my new-found acceptance holds up.

Lotus 11-26-2010 07:30 AM

Physical Contact
My husband (whom I shall refer to as Pan from now on) has been an angel throughout our trials. He listens to my fears and frustrations and helps me work through my jealousies.
He has just started dating a young woman (I'll call her Mouse from now on) that we both know, and is taking it very slowly with her to help me cope.

We were using a private chat room last night to save on text time. About two and a half hours in to our conversation he looks at me and asks if I mind if she comes over while I'm at work.
In my current-reasonable-state of mind, the answer is, "Sure. Is she staying for dinner?".
At the time, I was not reasonable.
I thought for a couple of seconds, looked coy and said "maybe", and proceeded to log off from the chat and hide in my bedroom.

The following hour and a half involved me crying, storming from our bedroom and basically calling Pan a liar at least two times.

After my hysterics-this is not the correct word, but I don't know what else to call it, maybe breakdown?-had ended and I calmed down enough to think clearly, I realized that I was afraid. Specifically of the two of them getting physical. Up until now they have not so much as hugged for fear, I believe, of what I would do or say (that alone makes me a little sad, am I such a tyrant? Sadly, again, I think the answer is...yes).

I did calm down, and I discussed my realization with Pan.
He assured me-and I have no reason to doubt him, he has never lied to me-that he will take things as slow as I need (and she has assured me of the same thing; we have known each other for two years now and she values all of her friendships greatly).
She will be coming over tomorrow afternoon before she herself has to go to work.

I'm sure I'll have more realizations and breakthroughs as my new life progresses, and I'll be sure to keep you all informed as they come.


Lotus 11-30-2010 12:45 AM

Pan is wanting to post a blog of his own, which I think is a great idea.
We don't have many friends that are poly and blogging here will get him insights that he wouldn't be able to get otherwise.
Doing so (posting a blog), however, would possibly require that he give more information than I would be able to cope with currently.
I am still quite jealous at times, which, sadly, are not predictable. It comes and goes as it pleases. I can make myself let go of the jealousy, but it requires some amount of time for me to calm myself down and rationalize what I'm feeling. Which I don't do too well when under as much stress as there has been recently (we'll be moving in roughly a month; into my parent's house with my sister and her boyfriend-whom neither myself nor Pan get along with; two things that are causing me a fair amount of stress on top of the new relationship).

I can very easily see myself, in a jealous rage, using something that he posted on his blog to try to make him out to be the biggest jerk on the planet, and myself a damsel in distress in need of rescuing.

So, I ask you...what do you think?
Should he go ahead and start blogging, getting advice on tricky situations? Or should he wait a while longer, giving me time to become more acclimated to our new situation?

Pantheist 11-30-2010 12:58 AM

I'm going to throw my opinion into the mix.

I'm very much torn on this idea.

I would love to share my adventures here. I'm excited about our recent progress, and I'm dying for someone to share with. Sharing here can provide me an outlet to people who understand what I'm going through, and who may be interested in what I have to say. As opposed to, for instance, my family who may prematurely condemn me for being a 'cheating bastard' and try to stone me to death (kidding, sort of).

On the other hand, when I share with Lotus about the budding relationship between myself and Mouse, I tend to give a very dry version. I omit most of the more potent details about my feelings. I have fallen into following the same pattern when describing our dates. This is partly my protective instinct, and partly because it's what she wants. She says she doesn't want to know.

Things are suddenly moving very quickly, and I feel overwhelmed sometimes. I'd love to share these feelings with Lotus, but if they are overwhelming to me, I think they'll be like a tsunami to her.

We were discussing this earlier, and couldn't come up with a decent solution. Hope you guys can add some outside perspective.

Pantheist 12-16-2010 12:33 AM

Well, it's been about 2 weeks since the last post here. Quite a lot has happened.

We were earlier trying to decide if I should blog here, or leave it as Lotus's sacred space. We've decided to share the blog, and I'll just self-censor anything that's too intense. I meant to do this much earlier, but with two relationships, time is precious, as I'm sure you guys know. =)

So Mouse and I have been officially dating for just over 3 weeks now. Things are going pretty well, but not quite how I expected.

The chemistry between mouse and myself has always been pretty intense, but we were always unable to do anything to express it physically. Once we started dating, we quickly shared our first kiss. Lotus asked us not to rush into having sex, so we didn't. Two weeks go by, and I again ask my wife how she feels about it. We talked for a while, and she decided to release us to do whatever we wished. We negotiated boundaries, 'no sex in the bedroom' is one, of course safety for everyone is a must. I was delighted, and perfectly willing to accept those rules.

At about that time, some issues that belong to Mouse started to come to a boil. Her other boyfriend, B, has long been having marital problems. B's wife is not Poly, and has not told B that he can be either. The wife knows that Mouse is involved with her husband, and she HATES it. Things have become steadily more tense, and in response, B was becoming more and more secretive.

So Mouse started worrying about their future relationship. She was deeply in love with him, and is/was very reluctant to walk away from him, but voiced her concern anyway. This lead to the lies. He promises that he'll leave his wife, that he'll move out of state with her so that they don't have to deal with his wife and children. He says he wants to start over and create a new life with her. Mouse is getting depressed, I'm getting annoyed because my shiny new relationship is being tarnished by this guy's actions.

Now this leaves me in a bit of a pickle. Do I call him the dishonest, manipulative coward that I believe him to be, and thereby make myself his enemy? (Which could be very bad, since if Mouse had to choose, I believe she would choose him because they already have a well established, if not functional, relationship) OR do I try to support Mouse and bite back my growing frustration? In the end I chose to do a bit of both. Things here haven't ended yet, but it looks like they soon will, so here's hoping for the best.

So between Mouse's failing disaster of a relationship with B, and the nervousness about Lotus's somewhat infamous temper, physical intimacy is still an issue. I worry about the possibility that waiting as long as we did since the NRE first kicked in has allowed us to become to used to boundaries being in place, and that we might never be comfortable sharing ourselves with each other. The relationship is still new, so I'm trying hard not to jump to conclusions. After all, we talk every day, and see each other all the time. Worst case scenario: we end up deciding to be really good friends, right?

I have been shocked by the sheer power of the emotions I've been going through. I'm sometimes very surprised by a sudden need to hear Mouse's voice, or see her face. The level of anger and protectiveness that rises up inside when I think about what B is doing, it's astonishing and kind of scary. When I make a physical advance, and Mouse is nervous and starts to pull away, I let her go and try to move on and make her laugh, but the sense of rejection cuts me to the very core of my soul.

Lotus is handling this all very well, and she listens with compassion as I confide what I'm going through, even though I know it hurts her. She still loses her temper occasionally, but we are working though our communication issues, and she gets better at recovering herself every time. It's like arguing with a completely different person. =D She has decided that she might like to have a boyfriend after all, and I support that decision 100%. She's created a profile on a popular dating site, and the inquiries have already started coming in.

Thats all, good night for now, dear readers.

Lotus 06-08-2011 02:58 PM

It's been nearly six months since either of us has said anything new here. Suppose now is as good a time as any.

In January Pan and I had to move in with my parents. A tough enough situation on its own, without bringing in to the picture another woman. Add to that the fact that my sister and her partner were already living with my parents, and that we hadn't come out to anyone. Fun times all around.
At my parents house, we were confined, space-wise, to one bedroom. This being the case, and that I have always considered our bedroom to be a sanctuary of sorts for myself, things got very uncomfortable. I insisted, to begin with, that no hanky-panky go on in my parent's house, out of respect for my mom and dad. Eventually, I gave in, asking that they simply refrain from doing their business on the bed that Pan and I share (I still have this idea in my head that the bed a man and woman share should be sacred to those two people alone; old fashioned, I know, but I am a mix of contemporary and old fashioned ideas and always have been...which is probably a large source of my problems).

But I have always struggled with jealousy and territorialism, and having my "sacred space" defiled-as unhealthy as that idea is in our situation, that is exactly how I felt- was an almost constant fight between not only Pan and I, but between me and myself. I want so very much to not be jealous; to not be so demanding; to not require that he give up something that he enjoys. He has every right to live his life the way that makes him happy, and I have no right to tell him he can't. Wife or no.

In February, shortly after Valentine's Day, Mouse and Pan broke up. I'm certain that all the restrictions I put on their relationship had quite a lot to do with it. I can't say that I was either sad or surprised by it, but I am sad that it didn't work out the way Pan had wanted.

I was, and am, working on my jealousy and self-worth issues. And I am so happy that Pan is as kind and understanding and patient as he is. I couldn't have found a better partner to help me transition into poly if I tried.

Pan, I love you so much.

Lotus 08-19-2011 04:52 AM

Nearly a week ago Pan and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. This feels like a huge achievement to me, even though we've actually been together for nearly six and a half years.

A couple of years ago, my older sister and her long-time partner broke up. In her sadness she admitted to me that she felt she and her ex would outlast Pan and I. Two months later we were engaged, a year after that we were walking down the aisle in front of some friends and family-minus the sister that made this statement.

In this journey over the last several years, I have been the major obstacle. The one absolutely certain that no one will ever find me interesting, not in the way Pan finds me interesting-which still baffles me.
Well, approximately one week before our anniversary I got a message on the dating site that Pan and I use.
My admirer is actually quite similar to Pan. Both are very intelligent, share similar interests and hobbies, and for some reason find me attractive.
We've met-myself, Pan, Admirer and his wife-a couple of times now, and have even had dinner together. We have plans to get together again soon, weather permitting.

I don't know where this will go, but I'm finding myself with butterflies frequently.

Wish me luck, we all know I'll need it to keep me from getting in my own way.


Lotus 11-13-2011 08:48 AM

Two and a half months
In August I spoke about meeting a man on a dating website that Pan and I use.

Exactly two weeks after our initial meeting with him and his wife, he and I started dating.
We will have been together for two and a half months on the 14th. Quite the milestone for a woman that thought her husband was a fluke.

I've had some interesting situations occur with V's wife (his name starts with a V), J (her name starts with a J). She and I are very similar, and yet so very, very different. Which, I suppose, is what this is about. In a way. Being able to find someone that engages aspects of ourselves that our "primary" partner doesn't, and being able to connect with them, engage with them. And not have to choose one or the other.

V and Pan are different, for sure. But, they are similar enough for me to definitively say that I have a type :p

The NRE is intense, and luckily for me Pan is not only understanding, but happy to indulge me. It was difficult for me to understand when he was with Mouse, and I took things very personally. I understand now, that it wasn't him wanting to see me less, but that he simply wanted to see her.
He enjoys his 'cave time', as we call it (his personal time for things like video games), and he gets that time while I'm with V.

I don't know that anyone reads these, other than me, but either way these posts have been very helpful for me.
If there are people reading these, feel free to leave comments or ask questions if you have any.

Lotus 10-28-2013 04:16 AM

It’s been nearly two years since either of us has posted here. It has been a very busy/messy/stressful two years.
We are still living with my parents. During these last two years Pan and I have gone back to school. He is still going, but I have relearned that school is not something that I do well. So I am working. I’m still in retail, but at a different place than when I first started posting here. A small group of my coworkers know that we are poly, the ones that are open minded enough to not judge us as freaks. My manager and assistant manager are not in that group. Which is fine, they don’t need to know, nor do they need to be my bff’s. Work is one of the things that have been stressful for us, specifically in regards to my family. Pan is not working while going to school and my family has a tendency to be extremely judgmental of our decision to not have him work and go to school at the same time. So much so that I have nearly stopped associating with those members of my family that are the most vocal about their opinions.
Shortly after I started working at my current job (I’ve been there for a year and a half), my SO and I broke up. The situation between his wife and I got worse from December of 2011 to April of 2012 (when we broke up), and I was also unable to get emotionally past his undeclared relationship with his best friend (a woman; read: he cheated). I haven’t really gotten over him. I am still upset about it and I still hope that he and I will get back together. It’s been nearly two years.
I was seeing a therapist for nearly a year (it has also been nearly a year since my last appointment). She helped me a lot. We started digging out my issues. How a lot of my anger comes from expectations that I impose on others (and then get mad at them when they don’t meet those expectations that they didn’t even know I had of them). And, this one actually came as a shock to me but I do see it, that I am abusive to Pan. I felt like such a horrible person when she pointed this out to me.
I’m diverging here from what I originally wanted to say.
This time of year is really bad for me. Not just because I work retail (odd hours; sometimes working from 6am to 3pm to working from 1pm to 10pm and any number of shifts in between) and getting full-time hours (though I am part-time), but because my depression and anxiety are so much stronger during the fall and winter months than during the spring and summer months. They are also much stronger during the night time hours (after I get home from work if I had a night shift).
I had been doing okay. Not great, but okay. But this last couple of weeks has been hard for me. I’ve learned some things about my siblings and parents that I didn’t know before, and it’s hard to accept. I know it’s in the past; nothing is going to change it. But it changes my perspective of them. And I don’t handle change well.

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