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-   -   Hi from the Canadian East Coast :) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=43174)

PhoenixLoch 03-21-2013 01:29 AM

Hi from the Canadian East Coast :)
New to Poly...After five months with my new SO I have recently been told that I am the third female in a poly quad. The other two girls know about each other but do not know that he has fallen in love with yet another girl ;) I know about everything, being open and communicating with him without judging him or them, has allowed me to have an insight I might not otherwise have had. The more accepting I am the more he opens up to me. He is currently here on the east coast with me exclusively, but in two months he leaves to return to his home on the west coast. I am trying to figure out how I can possibly fit into his lifestyle. I would ideally like him to tell them about me and maybe one of them would accept me into a triad. It will be hard being an LDR but I can't imagine my life without him in it. And that's my story so far ;) New friends, conversations and advice are always welcome. xxx

Malfunktions 03-21-2013 03:16 AM

Hey I'm an East coaster too! New Brunswick here :)

You didn't know about his other women until recently?

SchrodingersCat 03-21-2013 04:46 AM

It's generally considered cheating when one partner doesn't disclose the existence of their other partners. I suppose if he's told everyone "Just so you know, I'm dating a few other women but I'm not going into details" then he's off the hook. But ideally, everyone should at least know everyone else's name.

And just for terminology sake, a quad would mean you're in a relationship with the other two women. This is a three-armed-vee.

PhoenixLoch 03-21-2013 09:42 AM

I knew within two weeks of dating him that he had someone of significance out west. He said they had an understanding about him coming here and that they had a complicated relationship. I am an empath and very connected to him, he's my first relationship since leaving my emotionally abusive ex. We are connected so much so that i actually Just figured out most of what I know including names, and he just came clean once I started letting him know what I knew.
This coming clean just happened 3 weeks past. The more open he is the easier to deal with it all. :)
My understanding is the first said for him to do what he wants but she didn't want to know, his second hates the poly lifestyle and only tolerates it to be with him. She did not mention anything about relationships when he left, knowing he is who he is she knew he would be with others but again didn't want to discuss.
We were only to be for fun, but from the moment we saw each other, we have been together every possible moment since.
I have never felt so connected to anyone. I am trying hard to come up with a way for me to be with him/them in an LDR. I don't want to lose him either. And the thought of the emotional support even if it is just friendship from his first who would accept me more than the second, according to his discussions of each of them. Which are to be fair, sketchy out of privacy, but I glean a lot more then he says, empath and all. ;) The part that I am concerned about is that they have no idea he actually loves me, this isn't a fling. Both of us have no idea how we are going to cope when he moves home in May.
Thank you for clarifying the classification. I am a newbie! NB is a beautiful province. :)

kdt26417 03-21-2013 02:46 PM

Hello PhoenixLoch,
Welcome to our forum.

Long-Distance Relationships can be challenging; I take it you feel pretty strongly about this guy if you're willing to attempt it (and in a poly setting, to boot). I imagine there will be some drama from the other two ladies at first, but maybe it will cool down due to the LDR status. ? Only time will tell.

I hope you will enjoy your time on our site and check out lots of threads. Post any thoughts, concerns, or questions you may have. There's a lot of experience and advice to tap into here.

Glad to have you aboard.
Kevin T.

PhoenixLoch 03-21-2013 04:16 PM

Thank you Kevin :) I am committed to making this work and winning the hearts of all involved, even if its just acceptance. Any relationship I get involved in closer to home will be aware of my SO on the west coast. I believe open Communication is the key to making anything work. I need to believe that there can be a bright and brilliant future :)

kdt26417 03-21-2013 09:12 PM

Communication is mighty dern important, that's for sure.

Hang on tight and believe in your dreams.

Malfunktions 03-22-2013 02:29 PM

Communication and best friendage
IMHO, and I'm fairly new, as well, to Polyamory but this is what I think.

Long distance is hard for ANY relationship , be it mono or not, and the jealous woman out west may not take you seriously because you are the LDR. Are you attempting to communicate with your paramours?

If not, are their guidelines that the other women choose not to know about his other partners?

If so, be friendly but try not to be their best friends right away. Recently, I was taken aback by this and am currently working through some intense unease about it. Ease into the situation. The adage, "if you don't like it, too bad, get over it" isn't very correct when it comes to comforting paramours with the integration of a new leg.

All in all, I hope this helps and I'm not just speaking from the top of my potato box. :)

PhoenixLoch 03-22-2013 05:01 PM

My plan is to walk softly. I won't pursue any contact that is not requested. He hasn't told them about me yet. I am going to have a conversation about all of the stuff in my head soon with him. I know one will accept me. The other one hates the whole poly lifestyle so I am not going to be hoping for too much success with her.
The LDR will be temporarily. He moves east again in less then 18 months and at that time I can move to be with him. I am hoping to be friends with his first by then and have her join us. It's all so up in the air and I am such a freakin' planner! I think of all scenarios and plot out a course of resolution. I find this prepares me for almost all eventualities!
For now I am playing it by ear, taking things slow and enjoying my time with him. Hopefully when I broach the topic of him telling his first about me, he will be receptive. <Cross fingers> :) I don't want to ruin anyone's relationship, only share and enhance for all involved. I really want this to work.

SchrodingersCat 03-22-2013 08:57 PM

Why are you planning to start dating someone you've never even met? Just because he loves her and he loves you doesn't mean you and she will have anything in common as partners. Why push it? If you and she click, then great. But meeting her with all that expectation on all three of you is a heavy burden. Just go with the flow.


Originally Posted by PhoenixLoch (Post 192121)
I am an empath and very connected to him, he's my first relationship since leaving my emotionally abusive ex. We are connected so much so that i actually Just figured out most of what I know including names, and he just came clean once I started letting him know what I knew.
This coming clean just happened 3 weeks past. The more open he is the easier to deal with it all. :)

What does it mean to you to be "connected?" I don't understand how "we are so connected" and "he just came clean 3 weeks ago" can occur in the same situation. If he feels so connected to you, why did you have to confront him about his other girlfriends? Why didn't he volunteer that rather critical and relevant information about his life?

You've known this guy for only 5 months. What you're experiencing as "connection" is hormones: oxytocin and dopamine. Wait until the NRE has worn off before making plans about moving and shacking up with someone you don't even know.

My husband likes to remind me that when things are meant to be, they work out with little to no effort on your part. If you have to "try hard" to force the situation to work, then maybe it's a sign that you're on the wrong path.

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