Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   AH so now the problems begin (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4301)

whatamIdoing 11-23-2010 05:10 PM

AH so now the problems begin
 
Talking to hubby today... he is sad. I can tell. :confused:

He says he thinks if i want a second husband that he's not enough.

I told him I would end this with Mr. DNPWWO but he said he can't ask me to do that.

and to be honest I don't wanna...

i think it's cause i'm saying things wrong. I am so new to this I may be jumping the gun...


Mr. DNPWWO is over 100 miles away. that's where he lives and works. we don't talk on the phone or even text ... we email. some days a lot some days NONE... NO Plans to meet again till January.... NO PHONE calls.... He is so not enough... he is not a replacement...

i may not survive this.

MonoVCPHG 11-23-2010 05:38 PM

Is your husband not right when he says he isn't enough? Otherwise why would you pursue another relationship?

I'm asking these questions to hopefully help you to explain it to your husband.

Why do you want to expand your relationship to include this other man?
Be honest with yourself and your husband will likely hear it in your voice. Are you doing this because it is something that interests you only if you are "allowed" to do it, or is it a need of yours to share yourself with others intimately?

In other words, why are you poly? Be specific, be clear and then tell him. If it is because you are lacking excitement then tell him. If it is because you believe in a philosophy of intimate openess then tell him.

A lot of confusion and misunderstandning in these situations seems to come from people not being coherent in why and what they want. If we honestly answer those questions for ourselves then it will likely be much easier to communicate them to a partner.

whatamIdoing 11-23-2010 06:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 53624)
Is your husband not right when he says he isn't enough? Otherwise why would you pursue another relationship?

I guess my response is ENOUGH for what? He and I try to flirt with each other and that falls so flat. I love him dearly but he's a bit of a depressive. AND yes he's on medication already.

He and this other guy are about 180 degrees apart in EVERYTHING.... like night and day...

and yet if hubby said 'give it up" I would.
if hubby said "give up swinging" I could and I would. and yes there is a distinction. I do NOT want to give up this new flirtation/relationship with the other guy...

My hubby is more than enough in the bedroom... and he knows that. it's the brain matter that is the issue here....


I'm asking these questions to hopefully help you to explain it to your husband.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 53624)
Why do you want to expand your relationship to include this other man?

because I can? is that a fair answer? this other man... oh how he intrigues me...

hubby would be FINE if it was about sex... that's what swingers do... but with this other guy it's NOT about sex. it's about his brain. I guess that's scary to my DH.

I have a college degree. DH dropped out of 9th grade. he feels inadequate in so many aspects of our life alone and with our friends... it's hard for me to help him to love himself...

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 53624)
Be honest with yourself and your husband will likely hear it in your voice. Are you doing this because it is something that interests you only if you are "allowed" to do it, or is it a need of yours to share yourself with others intimately?

I want to do it. I do. BUT not at the expense of my marriage or my husband's feelings. and yet he has to have his friends... and he's ok with his flirts...

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 53624)
In other words, why are you poly? Be specific, be clear and then tell him. If it is because you are lacking excitement then tell him. If it is because you believe in a philosophy of intimate openess then tell him.

A lot of confusion and misunderstandning in these situations seems to come from people not being coherent in why and what they want. If we honestly answer those questions for ourselves then it will likely be much easier to communicate them to a partner.


I believe humans can love more than one person. I do. and I like being the new girl at the party...

this is so new to me... not something I ever considered... not sure what I'm doing here... maybe i'm going down the wrong path...

MonoVCPHG 11-23-2010 06:39 PM

Any path that leads to more self awareness can't be the wrong one.

whatamIdoing 11-23-2010 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 53637)
Any path that leads to more self awareness can't be the wrong one.

while that sounds good... if it wrecks my husband's fragile ego it's not worth it but then I'm left angry and resentful and continuing to think that it's unfair...

and it is. I admit that.

redpepper 11-23-2010 09:20 PM

Sometimes these things need to normalize and that takes time. I would suggest introducing the two of them so that your husband and he can see how different they are and "get it" more. Sometimes these things get so blown up in our heads when really there is no big issues going on at all.

whatamIdoing 11-23-2010 10:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 53664)
Sometimes these things need to normalize and that takes time. I would suggest introducing the two of them so that your husband and he can see how different they are and "get it" more. Sometimes these things get so blown up in our heads when really there is no big issues going on at all.

actually hubby knew him first....

redpepper 11-23-2010 10:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatamIdoing (Post 53690)
actually hubby knew him first....

Well then, back to time and the normalization it brings. Along with keeping at reassuring him and staying true to your word.

TheBlackSwede 11-23-2010 11:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 53694)
keeping at reassuring him and staying true to your word.

x2 - this part is very important IMHO.

whatamIdoing 11-23-2010 11:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SvartSvensk (Post 53703)
x2 - this part is very important IMHO.


every day in every way more than once...

I fear that time will be the only thing that will make him see that he's always my number one....

he said his concern is with the idea of my having/needing another husband...

and yet that was sort of what I said and yet more and more I know I was misspeaking the terms of where Mr. DNPWWO fits into my life....

i guess we are all still trying to figure it out.


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:09 AM.