Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   He doesn't want to be poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42996)

Irishfun13 03-18-2013 09:45 PM

He doesn't want to be poly
 
Hi, im new here and new to this lifestyle. I am 33 and my husband 35. We have been married almost 6 years but were also high school sweethearts. I was married once before to an extremely jealous and controlling man before i found my way back to my current husband whom i live dearly! I truly believe we are soulmates but here is the problem... I have always been a flirt with other men but also extremely honest with my husband. I finally learned about polyamory and after several months of research and talking with another inexperienced couple, we formed a bond with them. We then became intimate with them but just short of sex. The next day my husband and i left for a trip with friends which he ignored me for the first 4 days. I then found out he was with one of our single friends at a club making out with her all night. She wasn't part of our agreement nor did he have permission from me. He then proceeded to tell me that he no longer
wanted to be poly and that if i did then we would divorce.

I feel so lost right now. I feel like i have lost this couple i bonded with because the male half will not still be with me without his wife getting to be with my husband, but i also feel like i am losing my husband too, now matter which lifestyle i choose. I feel like he teased me and then yanked it all away.

Any advice would be appreciated.

BoringGuy 03-18-2013 09:57 PM

Sounds like he would rather stay married and cheat on you than do the self-examination and communication needed to sustain a poly-type relationship.

Which reminds me - you don't have to use the word "polyamor/y/ous" even if what you do fits the definition of it. I know you weren't asking that, but i thought of it anyway.

Irishfun13 03-18-2013 10:03 PM

He has never so much as even looked at another girl before i brought up this new lifestyle. He said he was just upset and jealous of seeing me with another man even though it was agreed upon. And when on our trip he pretty much stayed drunk and took out his pent up anger on me by kissing the girl whom i told him no. He says he doesn't want to be with anybody bute and wants me to do the same. I feel that if we don't continue this lifestyle agreeing on different partners and instead try to stay monogmous , we will end up cheating on each other in the end and ruining "us". He said its just too hard seeing me with anyone else. I don't know what to do.

GalaGirl 03-18-2013 10:32 PM

You could give yourselves time and not be rushing in so fast.

Then ask later when calmer... is this a HARD LIMIT (never no way) or a SOFT LIMIT (that could change in time.)

Then depending on his answer -- you make the value call.
  • You value being with him, even in a monoship, more than polyshipping.
  • You value being able to polyship more than you value being with him.

It might be hard to feel, but it's pretty straight up in terms of choices before you on that front.

Quote:

I feel that if we don't continue this lifestyle agreeing on different partners and instead try to stay monogmous , we will end up cheating on each other in the end and ruining "us". He said its just too hard seeing me with anyone else. I don't know what to do.
He sounds like he wants to be in monoship... or thinks he does. That could be discerned in time. For sure though? He's upset. You coudl empathize when someone you love is upset and hurting. Right?

You sound like you want to keep going with the experiment without a break. You do know you can have "Openings", close back up to process an experience, and then try again, right? Avoid pitfalls? 14 steps to opening a monoship? Jealousy management? Maybe those articles could help.

Are you afraid you cannot agree to be in monoship and fear you will cheat? What's this fear all of a sudden? Are you wanting to just continue without having to tend to the needs of your hurting partner?

To me it is like you are worrying about a future tiger up the road (I won't get to poly ever! Ahhhh!) and not paying attention to TODAY'S problem that can trip you up NOW and "ruin us" NOW.

You can always choose to poly. With or without him, hon. But if you want to be with him now and in future... ignoring his hurting now does what toward cultivating a strong communication bond between you?

Quote:

I feel so lost right now. I feel like i have lost this couple i bonded with because the male half will not still be with me without his wife getting to be with my husband, but i also feel like i am losing my husband too, now matter which lifestyle i choose. I feel like he teased me and then yanked it all away.
Right now I think you could be caught up in your own "My new experience is taken away because I am bumping on other people willingness limits and not my own willingness limit!" disappointed feelings. This is what dating IS -- to find those compatible. This one just... isn't looking like a runner for several reasons.

I think that disappointed and hurt of your own could be blinding you to the hurt in your partner. Maybe you need reassure of your own for your yucky feelings? Maybe it's easier to lay it on him than the wife as the reason you cannot have what you want than accept wants are just not lining up all the way across like hoped? Accept, rather than blame.

What about his right to have tried something and found out that it's not his cup of tea after all? Or not his cup of tea at THIS fast a speed?

He should just go against his own self to please everyone else? Please you? That's not a kindness to him for him to go against his own best healths -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, spiritual health.

Hon, your partner is hurting. He's upset and on a drunk and engaging in "get even" behavior. That's not healthy for him, you, or the relationship. :(

That your partner is not happy with polyshipping because ... what? Could take the time to find out. Could call a "time out" to discern.
  • He's ok sharing you sexually but not emotionally?
  • he is struggling to Deal with unexpected emotional baggage that came up with you having sex with the guy? That things moved too fast and got sexual too soon?
  • He needs nurture and support? What?

You could cultivate a "spirit of compassion" toward you and your partner in this time post break up with the couple. Rather than cultivate a "spirit of fearfulness" in yourself and a "spirit of upset" in him. That leads to a "spirit of disconnect" in the relationship between you guys when you could be comforting each other and growing closer to each other by sharing a Hard Time Navigated After All. Emotional intimacy, commitment, support, comfort, etc.

Could go be a partner to your partner in his time of need. Could ask for comfort yourself from your partner.

If you not longer want this job... could quit this relationship.

But if this is still your job? If you are still in this relationship? Could choose to do the job(s) in front of you. Be present in TODAY'S problem in TODAY'S relationship.

Deal with any tigers at that future time -- if it even comes up at all. Could watch your your step now and not worry about tigers up ahead on the road.

Galagirl


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:39 AM.