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-   -   compromise ideas needed (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4295)

nightwalker 11-22-2010 10:45 PM

compromise ideas needed
we are getting married and have a young daughter. my partner wants to continue seeing new partner and I want to defer poly for a while how can we compromise?

Penny 11-23-2010 01:25 AM

Well, to answer that we need to know what agreements did you have in place when he began the new relationship, and what justification do you have for changing the rules? When did he start the relationship in relation to the decision to get married? What's changed since he started seeing this other person?

Keep in mind that when he started seeing the other person, there were rules and expectations in place. Changing those is potentially unfair not only to him, but to his partner, who is likely an innocent bystander in this.

redpepper 11-23-2010 06:38 AM

I am not a fan of compromise as it indicates to me that getting to the bottom of an issue has not happened yet and that boundaries are precariously placed still. Usually a compromise is made as a temporary measure in order to preserve a moment where everything is up in the air.... for me it's about boundary setting...

Can they cut back in order to enjoy your new married life? Can you give a bit on the all or nothing bit and allow some time for them to be together? These are the questions that need to be asked I think...

I think I would be remembering that this isn't my life and my life only, you are part of three peoples lives, yours, your partners and their partners. That is possibly four or five different relationships to take care of. Who are you to make the be decisions on those? Where is the consideration, compassion, and respect? They are not getting married, you are to your partner... that is a totally different relationship to that that involves you. It needs to be respected as such I think.

nightwalker 11-23-2010 08:13 AM

well she asked me if we could try poly and I agreed but I also said I didn't think it was the right time as we have 19month old. I notice none of the replies to my post mention our child. we decided to get married after poly came into our lives. I feel that other relationship is interfering with our family as we try to become good parents and work on our own relationship issues which I feel brought poly into our life in the first place

Somegeezer 11-23-2010 08:38 AM

As I've seen people say many times [and I agree with them], you should have sorted out relationship problems before you ever considered poly. But seeing as it has already happened, I feel it is unfair on his other partner to be brought into all that now. You and your partner should talk about your probems and try to solve exactly what is wrong WITHOUT harming the relationship between him and his other partner.

geminigirl 11-23-2010 10:40 AM

I agree with Somegeezer. There is already another person (and another person's heart) involved, and it deserves as much respect as your heart or your partner's heart. What exactly are you worried about with regard to your upcoming wedding and to the welfare of your young child? I can assure you that polyamory, when it's healthy and respectful, is not harmful to children.

Penny 11-23-2010 11:29 AM

But there is an issue of time and attention. I've run into the phrase "love is infinite, time is not" on poly sites and I think its an important thing to bear in mind.

I have a young daughter, age 6. and my second relationship does take away from time spent with her. Fortunately for me, my daughter loves the fact that mommy being busy means she gets to spend two nights a week at grandma's house. If, however, my time with my boyfriend interfered with my ability to take care of my little girl, I would have to figure something different out. And, yes, the boyfriend might have to suffer, but he has always known that I have obligations that have to come first.

If the OP's partner is not spending enough time with the OP and with their child, then it is up to the partner to find that time.

That time does not have to come from time spent with the new partner, though it could. The new partner is irrelevant. The OP's needs and the needs of their household and child are what is relevant. It is up to the OP's partner to figure out how to juggle these things, though all involved should try and help figure these things out.

Nightwalker, try couching your requests in terms of what you need and aren't getting, what time you need and so on, and not in terms of the new partner. If you have insecurities, address those.

My advice is to make it about you and your child, not about the new partner and give your partner a chance to make things good without causing pain to this third person.

You did agree to this, and you have, by proxy, a responsibility to not renege on the deal. BUT your partner has made a deal with you, and if he/she is not keeping up their end, you have a right to have your concerns addressed.

Just make it about your needs and those of the kid and let your partner figure out where the time is coming from.

Your partner may be having a hard time regulating NRE (new relationship energy), which is a concern you can address. It's normal and common, and it's your partner's responsibility to make sure the established relationship is being tended to properly, especially when there is a child involved.

Penny 11-23-2010 11:48 AM

Okay, I got it now, Nightwalker is male and his partner is female. Not that it matters, but it makes sorting out the pronouns easier.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and ask, Nightwalker, did you feel emotionally blackmailed or pressured into agreeing to the poly arrangement?

Polyamory is not a tool for fixing relationship problems. As someone else here said, that works about as well as people having kids in order to fix their relationships.

Many of us are showing concern for the new partner. This is someone who got sucked into the drama between you and your partner. That sucks, and is unfair.

You must always treat others as an end unto themselves, not as a means to an end.

But, yes, your child comes first. Your partner has a duty, and she has to figure out how to fulfill it. The new partner might well end up getting the short end, and I feel for this person. You should too, and try to have compassion as you work to figure things out.

Sorry for the double post.

nightwalker 11-23-2010 01:26 PM

I thought I posted this already but don't see it showing up so here it is again......Yes I am a man and yes I did agree to poly when my gf suggested it. She was unhappy and felt that poly was the solution to keep us together as a family. Then the first guy she meets she falls head over heels in NRE for and I felt our daughter and I were completely blanked. she wants to see him at least one full day a week. I want a poly break so that we can work on us and look after daughter and rapidly upcoming wedding. I am looking to compromise as I feel she is giving an ultimatum. I want gf and OP to enjoy time together but I feel family is losing out. Any good compromise ideas would be warmly welcome.

Penny 11-23-2010 01:44 PM

One day a week doesn't sound unreasonable to me, but it is her duty, when she is with you and your child, to be there fully for you. It sounds like she needs to manage her NRE better.

Also, a honeymoon period immediately prior to and after the wedding is not unreasonable. While specific time periods would be up to you and your partner, a week before and a week after might work.

The problem is that your poly experience started for the wrong reasons and it sounds like she is not living up to her obligations to her family.

Perhaps you can concede the one day a week while asking her to be more mindful of you and the little one when she is there. As the hinge in the V relationship, she has a lot of responsibility, and it sounds like she is not living up to her end of the bargain.

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