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-   -   just lovely (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4291)

Jodi 11-22-2010 02:13 PM

just lovely
i just found out in confidence from my close friend & wife of my boyfriend that she is having affair. i mentioned on here b4 that it is a double standard and he wouldn't agree to let her have another lover. little did i know that she already have one.

i had been talking to my boyfriend about his jealousy and how it wasn't fair, blah blah. etc. etc.

i found out this way...this young guy i went on a date with...well, he's 30, young for me. she was answering his text while we were all out partyingat a girls night, local pub. she invited him! anyway, i didn't sleep w/ him and wasn't planning on for a while. i wanted to wait and see if he & i were a good fit.

turns out, she drove him home, bcz he isn't driving right now & with me in car too. so, he started kissing us...i really didn't want to have sex bcz. tbh, i'm not that into him.

but, i wanted to do it for her....bcz her husband won't let her have another man. afterwards, is when she confided in me that she was sleeping w/ someone for over a year!!!

i feel duped. wtf. sigh. i'm still grateful she lends me her hub, but now i know it's not out of total generosity, but..something else, like i suspect, so he is preoccupied. i kind of feel used. but i still get the attention from hub, barely, tho, he's not that "wild", errrr.

thanks for letting me talk. jodi.

Jodi 11-22-2010 02:15 PM

sorry one more thing...now i don't know this fucking guy from adam.

the guy she's been fucking.

how do i know he isn't having sex w/ another woman, isn't diseased.

i'm pissed off when i think about this.

i almost feel like pulling out of what was a good thing. fucking a.

Fidelia 11-22-2010 04:46 PM

Sorry. What a drag. Sounds like your good thing is over.

It looks like it's time for a serious dose of responsibility and enlightened self-interest on your part.

First things first: Maybe you can have a frank discussion with the young guy and have a LOOK at his recent std test results. (Don't take his word for it; he's already demonstrated a proclivity for deception.) If he can demonstrate that he has a clean bill of health, you have no worries, at least not on the health front.

Otherwise, you need to get tested, for your health and well-being. And your metamour and bf (her husband) need to be tested too.

Moving forward, you know now that the behavior of your metamour lacks honesty, integrity and respect. As does the behavior of the young man you are/were dating. Not polyamory at all, but just a variation on garden-variety cheating. Sorry.

The good news in this mess is that YOU haven't compromised your integrity. If it were me, I would put my cards on the table with all parties and then withdraw from the relationship. Your bf and metamour have serious work to do on their relationship to either repair or dissolve it, and I wouldn't want to be in the middle of that. Too much wailing and gnashing of teeth on all sides. And as for the young man, meh! Invest the time finding people who are worthy of you.

Jodi 11-22-2010 08:40 PM

tnx fidelia. i feel better having talked about it here.

Jodi 11-22-2010 08:41 PM

when i told my metamour "he better not have stds". she laughed and said that he didn't.

it's the laughing that pissed me off. i told her i didn't think it was funny.

Ariakas 11-22-2010 09:07 PM


Originally Posted by Jodi (Post 53483)
when i told my metamour "he better not have stds". she laughed and said that he didn't.

it's the laughing that pissed me off. i told her i didn't think it was funny.

Its an odd conversation. Could be nervous laughter...

If you don't like it, you could request results. We do this within our grouping. We get tests and share results with those we are with. Completely reasonable request.

Fidelia 11-22-2010 09:10 PM

Aww HELL No, that's not funny. :mad:

Is she delusional?

Time to schedule a doctor's appointment.

redpepper 11-23-2010 07:12 AM

so, her husband, your boyfriend, does not want her to have another man, but its okay for him to have you? Is that right?

And then she has been cheating to get around that situation?

time for a reality check all around I think,

for her, to start advocating to get her needs met and pulling him in to negotiating boundaries that work for her and him...

for him, time to get his head out of his ass and realize he is not the center of the universe and that the world does not revolve around his desire. He will have a hard time no doubt, but is the fact that she cheated in order to get her needs met not a hard time now? At least he would of had the chance to navigate the hard part himself instead of her dictating it for him,

and you, what will you do? If this were me I would back the hell up and give it all a good long break, at least until they are all tested and have their marriage worked out. That could be ages, but you will have the space to find someone that is more suitable and straightforward... having learned a lesson possibly?

Jodi 11-23-2010 02:07 PM

so, her husband, your boyfriend, does not want her to have another man, but its okay for him to have you? Is that right?

yes, that's right. i have been trying to discuss w/ him. i was thinking he'd come around. and now, bcz he hasn't...well she's been cheating for a whole year! i don't like cheating. i'm trying not to judge her.

what will i do? i don't know. i've bonded w/ him emotionally, i luv him. i could stop sleeping w/ him tho, and survive. shit. i hit a bump on the road.

also, i feel like a part of the secret, now that iknow. i wish she hadn't told me. it makes me feel sorry for him, like he's in the dark. i don't like these emotions.

Danny40179 11-23-2010 02:16 PM

Hey Jodi. Tough spot she put you in. I agree that she shouldn't have involved you in her lies, although now that she did, what do you do?? The part of me that is against cheating is screaming for you to tell him. But is that the right answer? Obviously there are issues if she feels the need to cheat, but can you necessarily "blame" her when her hubby is being selfish in regards to her having someone else?

I know it may be difficult and you have a connection with him, but it may be best to step back so they can figure this out. Then when he's in a more stable situation the two of you can see if it's possible to resume where you left off. I fear that when he finds out you knew about it and said nothing, that's going to present a whole new set of problems for you.

*hug* Good luck and keep us posted.

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