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-   -   There's a lot of "new" about this for me! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42878)

hersforever 03-17-2013 05:08 AM

There's a lot of "new" about this for me!
 
Hi all. I am a 30 year old man, married for 11 years and just in the past few weeks we have brought in my wife's girlfriend to become our girlfriend -- a step that scared me no small amount. In part because my wife (BSP83) and I have shared in a Wife-Led Marriage for the past five years (mostly... lot of long stories about that!). So as we work on bringing our girlfriend into our relationship in general, we are also working on figuring out how to bring S (our girlfriend) into the WLM side of things at the same time.

I joined because my wife has been incredibly interested in the goings-on here and encouraged me to read as much as I could about relationships that worked and that didn't work so well, so that we might learn from others' histories and make this new bond as strong as the one that she and I have shared for the past 11 years.

We have 3 kids and our girlfriend has 2, they add an interesting challenge to the dynamic but we're definitely up for the challenge!

dingedheart 03-17-2013 02:18 PM

Hi and welcome,

Whats a wife led marriage ?

Did she encourage you to read prior to the change in relationship dynamic or after ? Read this to see what we can look forward to and then we can make a decision or read this to help you deal ?

BoringGuy 03-17-2013 02:25 PM

Dinged heart wants you to know that this could have a major impact on the children, especially your girlfriend's children as she is the one who is going through an "awakening". If you require more details about this, dinged heart will be glad to explain it to you because no one else on this forum cares about how poly can affect (not "effect") children.

I wanted to get this in here early on in the thread so we don't have to spend 3 1/2 hours searching for it later.

JaneQSmythe 03-17-2013 02:45 PM

Hello and Welcome to the Forum!

I did have to look up WLM when I read your wife's post. (Although outsiders frequently ask me if I "wear the pants" in the family - as though there can only be one pair of pants - this was unfamiliar to me.)

Attempting to transition a Vee into a Triad is often an exciting but VERY challenging endeavor. Lots of communication and baby steps would seem to be in order. (I can't comment on how the D/S/s dynamic will come into play - I don't have any experience in that - but there are plenty of people here that do).

Just a few questions (which you don't have to answer if you don't want to):

How long has your girlfriend been your wife's girlfriend prior to becoming a shared girlfriend?

In your new dynamic are you and the girlfriend allowed/encouraged to develop your own relationship/have sex independent of your wife? (I bring this up because we often see issues when people are creating a triad when the newest person is only supposed to be with the original couple "all three together".)

How old are the kids?

JaneQ

PS. if DH and BGs exchange seems a little cryptic to you - they are engaged in a conversation in another thread about how the forum discusses the topic of poly and children with newcomers

opalescent 03-17-2013 03:46 PM

Hersforever,

I'm curious - does S want to be in a female led relationship with your wife? Is your wife already her Domme? Is a female led relationship with a same sex couple different from a D/s dynamic in a same sex couple?

I have come across female led relationships before but always with a bi or straight woman with a heterosexual submissive man. And I have interacted with same sex folks in a D/s dynamic. But not with folks integrating a female led marriage into a triad. So I am fascinated with your journey.

hersforever 03-17-2013 04:42 PM

I'll try not to make a novel of this, but the answers to your questions:

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart
Whats a wife led marriage ?

The short version is, I submit to my wife. Not directly in a BDSM context although there is that too, occasionally. Mostly I ask her to expect more of me/my attention/my time and in return I get her indulgence in many of my fetishes that are not scene-specific such as orgasm denial and chastity play.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dingedheart
Did she encourage you to read prior to the change in relationship dynamic or after ?

She encouraged me to join this forum/read after the change, mostly because she joined after the change. The change was very organic, although it's taken several years to get to this point, and once we decided to go for it she has been trying to learn as much as she can and encouraged both S and I to do the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy
Dinged heart wants you to know that this could have a major impact on the children, especially your girlfriend's children as she is the one who is going through an "awakening".

We don't underestimate the impact this will have on all of our children. For now, they don't know or don't need to know anything about our relationship. Most of the physical side of things happens when S's ex husband has the children, although my wife is much more free to see S when her children are there because they know her as S's friend and have for a long time. In time we will probably let them in on things, a little at a time, to show them that not every relationship is as they are told it "should" be - we very much want all of our children to be comfortable with "alternative" lifestyles -- whatever their particular choices may be. But with S being recently divorced, the fewer shocks at once we put her children through the better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
How long has your girlfriend been your wife's girlfriend prior to becoming a shared girlfriend?

The story of our relationship with S is a long one. The abbreviated version of it is this: Three years ago (and fairly close to exactly three years ago, come to think of it), my wife and S found the joy and intimacy of each other in a casino hotel room. My wife was nervous to share this with me but given the nature of our WLM and my slowly growing openness to sexuality of all kinds I was happy for her. She still brought some of that NRE back to me and I quite enjoyed it. Their relationship blossomed over several months time and, eventually, even included me. I attempted to keep my involvement purely physical with S, but emotions formed all the same (in part because of her marriage being what it was). She and I didn't pursue individual relationships however -- we were very much a Vee.

That summer, due to numerous issues piling on top of each other all three of us had a particularly rough night and it ended very negatively, with long-lasting consequences including my wife and S stopping their relationship entirely, S certain that I hated her and nearly a year before I realized that I needed help, as well as my wife and I needed help communicating. As we rebuilt our relationship (sans-WLM for a while), things got better.

Jump forward to last Halloween -- my wife went to a party, knowing that S would be there, determined to make S notice her (my wife rarely dresses for Halloween, she went last year as a damn hot Snow White!) and notice she did! The started talking, then talked a lot, and finally opened up to each other that their feelings hadn't faded over nearly 3 years. So they decided to re-establish their relationship.

In between then and now, S got divorced and my wife wanted to be sure I was okay with the Vee relationship and that S and I could be friends at the least. Friends we were until about 3 weeks ago, when S decided that she wanted me to be involved at least physically, and then around a week and a half ago (it seems like so much has happened in that time!) we decided to give S and I a chance to be lovers emotionally as well.

To sum up: My wife and S were girlfriends for about 3 years before S became my girlfriend. But if you don't consider the break in the middle, it has been about 5 months.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
In your new dynamic are you and the girlfriend allowed/encouraged to develop your own relationship/have sex independent of your wife?

Yes. S and I are very much encouraged to have a relationship independent of my wife, as I also encouraged the two of them to build a relationship. Our first date was exciting and strange (it had been nearly 12 years since my last first date!) but easy all the same and the emotions formed three years ago come back very easily to us both.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe
How old are the kids?

My wife's and mine are 10(m), 6(f) and 3(f) while S's are 8(m) and 4(f).

Quote:

Originally Posted by opalescent
I'm curious - does S want to be in a female led relationship with your wife? Is your wife already her Domme? Is a female led relationship with a same sex couple different from a D/s dynamic in a same sex couple?

So far as I understand it, the relationship between the two of them is very much of equals. There is no overt D/s dynamic between the two of them when they are alone together. So I'm afraid I can't answer with direct experience how the D/s dynamic applies differently to a same-sex couple than to a hetero couple. Bringing S in to the FLR dynamic is still very much being worked out, but it is a relationship that I originally asked my wife for and I asked to bring S into that aspect as well. I imagine myself in service to them both, although given past experience and what I know about her S seems to be a switch, which means that my wife or I may top S from time to time.

How this all works out remains to be seen, but it is incredibly exciting and energizing right now!

dingedheart 03-17-2013 05:42 PM

Bg.....you're really funny when hung over :D. I little hair of the dog perhaps ?

I appreciate you getting that out there early ....thanks for looking out for me.:D

SchrodingersCat 03-17-2013 06:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hersforever (Post 191254)
I have shared in a Wife-Led Marriage for the past five years (mostly... lot of long stories about that!). So as we work on bringing our girlfriend into our relationship in general, we are also working on figuring out how to bring S (our girlfriend) into the WLM side of things at the same time.

First thing to understand: You don't "bring S into" your relationship. S and your wife have a relationship. You and your wife have a relationship. Now, you and S will have a relationship. Then there is a 4th relationship consisting of the three of you collectively. But there will always be a pairing between you and your wife, and S will never be in that pairing. Your WLM is contained within that pairing.

How do you envision her role in your ideal triad? A WLM is fundamentally two people: one wife to lead, one husband to follow. That doesn't mean the arrangement can't be expanded to include more people, but it's unclear to me how you propose to do that, i.e. from what angle. Do you want her to become a second Domme to you? Or does your wife want her to become a second submissive?

I'm also concerned about the terminology "bring S (our girlfriend) into the WLM side of things." You can't do that unless she wants to. You're welcome to explain the concept to her, show her how it works in your own marriage, and offer her the possibility to join in. But if she's not into that, then you and your wife have to respect that and let her do things her own way. Maybe that means things don't work out the way you imagine. You have to be accepting of that possibility.

BSP83 03-18-2013 10:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 191327)
First thing to understand: You don't "bring S into" your relationship. S and your wife have a relationship. You and your wife have a relationship. Now, you and S will have a relationship. Then there is a 4th relationship consisting of the three of you collectively. But there will always be a pairing between you and your wife, and S will never be in that pairing. Your WLM is contained within that pairing.

He, S, and I are all fully aware of this...that there are 4 separate relationships here. We aren't "bringing her into" our relationship, necessarily, but inviting her in. We are always in full communication with her...it's not like she doesn't have a choice. As far as the WLF, it is again separate relationships that we are trying to figure out how to make work and integrate.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 191327)
How do you envision her role in your ideal triad? A WLM is fundamentally two people: one wife to lead, one husband to follow. That doesn't mean the arrangement can't be expanded to include more people, but it's unclear to me how you propose to do that, i.e. from what angle. Do you want her to become a second Domme to you? Or does your wife want her to become a second submissive?

We aren't sure yet how we are working it out, but P is submissive. I am dominant over him and him alone. I have no interest in that dynamic with S, and I don't think she has interest in that dynamic with me. She and I have started talking about how we can both dominate him...what that looks like, what the rules are, etc.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat (Post 191327)
I'm also concerned about the terminology "bring S (our girlfriend) into the WLM side of things." You can't do that unless she wants to. You're welcome to explain the concept to her, show her how it works in your own marriage, and offer her the possibility to join in. But if she's not into that, then you and your wife have to respect that and let her do things her own way. Maybe that means things don't work out the way you imagine. You have to be accepting of that possibility.

Again, it is her choice. It always has been and always will be. She has known about that dynamic of our marriage for much longer than we have been dating. It was only recently that the idea was brought up to her to participate. She and I didn't have our first conversation about it until this last weekend, in fact, and it was mostly me asking her what (if any) role she wanted in this dynamic. We have a lot to do as far as working out our roles in the FLR (female-led relationship...I think it's better fitting for our situation) and the triad. But we are all committed to doing that. Should she decide she doesn't want anything to do with the FLR, it's completely her choice, and we won't love her less for it!

BSP83 03-18-2013 10:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BoringGuy (Post 191303)
Dinged heart wants you to know that this could have a major impact on the children, especially your girlfriend's children as she is the one who is going through an "awakening". If you require more details about this, dinged heart will be glad to explain it to you because no one else on this forum cares about how poly can affect (not "effect") children.

I wanted to get this in here early on in the thread so we don't have to spend 3 1/2 hours searching for it later.

Thank you both for your concern...you can trust that we have thought A LOT about how it might impact the children. They all know nothing except that S is my best friend and I'm hers. We are all waking a very fine line in front of and around the kids for now, because it's best for them at this point in time.

I'm confused by what you mean about S being the one going through an "awakening". Please explain. Thanks!


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