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-   -   waiting to exhale...poly style!! (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4286)

unusuality 11-22-2010 02:59 AM

waiting to exhale...poly style!!
 
Hi all!
First off I haven't actually started a poly relationship yet. However that will change in time. I had desires to be with more than one woman. Now not to sound like "every guy's fantasy", I wanted the friendship, (the emotional AND mental) as well as the physical connections. I had a female friend who was curious about women. I made her my girlfriend. Later she became my wife.

NOW, sometime before the relationship, I told her I wanted to be with her and another woman possibly. That never happened due to our lack of time together. During the relationship, when we were new and in love, I made it clear that I wanted to be with HER and another woman. I was abruptly shut down. She said I was crazy and no one would want to do that!

Discouraged, I put those feelings aside and chalked it up to a mere fantasy that would never happen. So we went on with our relationship and not long after exchanged vows.

Fast forward 1 year later. I loved my wife, yet I found myself (she also noticed me) eyeing other women, wanting to have new friends and just be free to be who I was BEFORE we were married and she was cool with "me being me". Fast forward to 1 year ago. We decided to work out our problems, and I was being a good husband.

I started keeping secrets, doing things to preserve her feelings and to be myself simultaneously. I felt I couldn't be me AND keep her happy. In an effort to see what "polyamory" was, I did what anyone with the internet would do, I googled it and found this site! Now with this fuel for the proverbial fire, I'm stuck between wanting to be me and being her husband. So we talked about this forum, and she said "not gonna happen".

I tried again - DEEP, OPEN convo - and she DID think about it. But now, she's definitely not on board. Along with other serious marital problems, I find myself looking at the door. Due to family histories, I'd rather be honest and happy than married and miserable.
So...that's my story. Any advice? Thx in advance

Ariakas 11-22-2010 04:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by unusuality (Post 53396)
I tried again - DEEP, OPEN convo - and she DID think about it. But now, she's definitely not on board. Along with other serious marital problems, I find myself looking at the door. Due to family histories, I'd rather be honest and happy than married and miserable.
So...that's my story. Any advice? Thx in advance

First piece of advice would be to stabilize your relationship. If there are other problems, you should NOT open up your relationship. This would be unfair to your wife, your potential partner and you in the end.

Having a unicorn to play with will fix your marriage as well as those parents having kids try to. It just won't work.

Past that finding a unicorn has its own challenges. You might want to search for the term. Its a pretty general starting point but one that usually brings a lot of challenges. There are only so many willing single women for couples ;)...

And btw, not to be a debby downer, but bi-curious women aren't always, in fact most times not, bi-sexual. They are curious. Keep that in mind during your hunt. You might be shocked to find her suddenly uninterested. And as a flip to that, she may not want to share. And have a gf to herself.

Lots of variables, lots of things to consider, but all of it needs the two of you to be good, before you start including others in your life.

redpepper 11-22-2010 05:31 AM

Ari has good advice, but I wanted to add that everything takes time... keep at it, make poly part of your everyday conversation... talk about what you learn with her and others and it will become something that develops in your life. I believe, everything is possible to manifest if you keep at it and are patient.

Jodi 11-22-2010 02:44 PM

sounds like you do love your wife. i wouldn't push her too hard. i'm not really sure what to say, except that, mb she needs to feel that she's #1. to her, perhaps the fact that you are so urgent to have another woman to swing with or be poly with, to her feels like a slight, that she's just not enough.

if i were you, i'd focus on her only for a while, and shower her with positive reinforcement & tell her how much you do care and love her and why...only if it's sincere of course. over time, she may come around once she feels secure.

also, this "tabu" may not be able to be undone. find out what it is that she finds applaing about this lifestyle. just listen, don't debate. good luck.


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