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-   -   A new poly life and other stuff :) (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4285)

Raven 11-22-2010 02:24 AM

A new poly life and other stuff :)
So I've decided to start a blog here. I've kind of been wanting a place I could blog and be more open about things for a while now - not just about poly, but about life in general. Most of my family wouldn't exactly approve of a lot of things I think / believe, I don't have a lot of friends at the moment, facebook needs kept clean, and it seems pointless to write a blog that doesn't get posted, so... This seems like the best place to put my thoughts. :)

A bit of a note on names: in my first post, I started by referring to everybody as letters - A, B, C, and D - to keep everything totally anonymous. That was hard to read, so I changed them to names - Adam, Beth, Caleb, and Dakota. But I was in a hurry, and so I didn't put much thought into those names. The thing is, the name Dakota doesn't really "fit" me at all, and the name Adam doesn't "fit" my husband at all. So since I've been pretty well hooked on this forum, I've decided to change the names I use to Keira (instead of Dakota) for myself and Mal (instead of Adam) for my husband. Very sorry if that gets anyone confused, I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping the names for very long. :p

My journey into poly started this last September, and you can read about that here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3831 and here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4215 Suffice it to say, that didn't work out but it did show myself and Mal that we are poly. We both have needs that the other person can't meet, and we don't see any reason why we should be against a third person in our relationship (or someone for each of us). We prefer a triad, but I've read enough on the forums to know that holding out for a person who happens to fall in love with both of us is very unrealistic. If it happens, great, but I'm not going to pass up another possibility just because the person only has romantic interest in either Mal or myself.

I've been moving on and focusing on school, lately, but it's hard. I've always had an issue with procrastinating if I feel I can't succeed - i.e., if I think I'm going to bomb an exam, it turns into a huge struggle to sit down and study for it. My GPA before this semester was about a 3.85, so generally my fears were unfounded. Now I'm having a semester with 3 major classes where I'm almost certainly going to get all C's, and studying has turned in to "bash your head into the concrete wall and hope water comes out." It's mostly mental, I know, and if I can just get past that things will be a lot easier, but for whatever reason knowing I might fail (um - well - get less than an A) and then doing my best anyways is really really hard for me.

I've also decided that I want to join OK Cupid, if only just to chat with people and get my feet wet, so to speak. I'm a little torn about starting any relationships here and now. In about 2.5 years, we'll be moving on to who-knows-where for graduate school. And the sort of relationship I want is long term. So I'd hate to start something and get really invested in someone just to have to move on in a year or two. But at the same time, there's the chance it could work out - depending on the person's situation and how close (relationship-wise) we were to get, the person could move with us. There's also the (fairly good) chance I might go to grad school fairly close (about 2 hrs away), in which case a small move or even a minor LDR could work. And a really slim chance that I won't go to grad school at all. So I don't think it's worth closing off any chance of a relationship for the next couple of years, it's just scary to think about starting something that might have to be cut off for purely geographical reasons. :p I am going to wait till after finals are over to sign up, though, so I don't have an extra place to procrastinate at instead of study. :)

I'm also worrying about Mal, a bit... He has a hard time feeling and expressing his emotions, and it's bothering him a lot, especially with all of the stress we've been through lately. (There's the stuff that happened with Beth and Caleb, plus he's been through a bunch of other unrelated family and school issues this semester.) He's thinking of maybe considering seeing a therapist / psychologist, but he's also planning on going in to a career where any record of mental illness could bar him from every getting a job, so he's frightened of what could happen if he did open himself up to someone. He's not the sort to just open up anyways. :p Plus, there's the cost - we're college students living on scholarships and loans, and because of the career issues (and general incompetence of people who work at his school) he doesn't really want to go to one of the college counselors... I'm starting to think it might do him a lot of good, but even so I'm not sure I can convince Mal to go. It might end up having to wait till I go to grad school and we have more of an income. Just something on my mind.

Comments welcome :)

Keira Raven

Raven 11-23-2010 01:55 AM

For some reason, I'm feeling very much like I'm longing badly for something tonight - I'm just not sure what it is. More friends (feeling pretty lonely without a friend group), more time with Mal, more time to myself (we're both really busy right now), another partner, maybe it's just that I'm horny, I don't know. :p It just kind of sucks...

Company 11-23-2010 08:42 AM

Until I read "horny" I was thinking about the human affliction of gravitating towards things that interest us and are interested in us, and the need for events that support and affirm us.

Now that you've tossed sex into the pile, I'm still thinking in that general direction. Except now that poor lonely couple staring up at the same moon is stark naked. Mwehehehehe.

You seem to be coping well with all the stress, even with challenges abound. I think my partner worries about me in a similar way that you do about Mal though. . . have you tried getting him to open up here? Or perhaps somewhere else online? The internet is surprisingly anonymous when you stop using your tax returns as your signature on forums because you want everyone to know that you came this close to getting a pool, except her bills were almost past due and I really wanted to keep our credit looking good so we could spring for that corolla LE next year.

Err, yeah. Even a close friend could help open his world up. I talk to my Dad when I feel confined and need advice (he's like a bottle of ripened Jewish wisdom).

Raven 11-23-2010 05:18 PM

lol Company, that was a funny mental picture :D

I ended up just talking with Mal for a couple hours last night (and then relieving some other tensions... :D) and all in all felt a lot better. I definitely agree that I'm craving other human interaction, too. I *know* a lot of people at school, but generally it's more of a business-like interaction. Working on the more friends bit. :p I missed the last couple meetings of the club I've joined here, and this week it won't meet because of Thanksgiving, but maybe next week? There's one girl there I might love to have as a friend, I should ask her if we can meet for coffee to talk about something... This board is great for brainstorming lol. :)

Mal's not very confident in his writing skills, so he's unlikely to get involved online. :rolleyes: I'm encouraging him to try to meet people, but it's something that doesn't come naturally for me and even less so for him. He's trying, but I think it's going to take time. Like almost everything worth waiting for, I guess. :)

I did end up signing up for OK Cupid last night... Had some fun putzing around, may get up the courage to message someone later tonight (a poly woman in our area looking for a unicorn as well - I'm not interested in being a unicorn for a couple, but I'm interested in becoming friends). Also made an agreement with Mal that I won't log on to OK Cupid more than three days a week. I have a tendency to obsess over things, and I think he's right that at this point in our lives, obsessing over a dating website would be bad (definitely for my grades, potentially for my mental health).

SNeacail 11-23-2010 06:22 PM


Originally Posted by Raven (Post 53622)
Mal's not very confident in his writing skills, so he's unlikely to get involved online. :rolleyes:

Write it in WORD first, then cut and paste to post. Works great for spell checking and grammer errors :D.

Raven 11-23-2010 06:49 PM

Unfortunately, Mal's writing skills are beyond MS word - it generally cannot decipher what he writes whatsoever lol. I love him, but his spelling's atrocious. :)

Raven 11-28-2010 09:46 PM

Thinking, Looking, Studying Biology :p
I've spent a fair bit of time on OK Cupid lately. Added a lot of people to my "favorites" so I can see when they come online - somehow it's less intimidating to me to try to chat rather than sending a message. Spent a lot of time browsing profiles, looking at people's pictures and survey answers. One thing I've realized: I really am attracted more to the feminine at this point in my life. I don't know, maybe it's because Mal's so masculine that I have more of an overload of that. :p Or maybe it's my bi-curious being REALLY curious. But I'm not really "attracted" to profiles that look androgynous. A lot of them sound like they'd make great friends, but they aren't eliciting that "hmm!" feeling that the more feminine profiles tend to elicit on a regular basis. Not a big deal right now - I'm fishing for friends mostly anyways, hoping to create a network of people that have similar interests and beliefs that I can hang out with and spend time with. Just an interesting realization.

Kind of disappointed - I've missed the last three weeks of the group I joined at school, mostly because of events beyond my control, and now I'm going to miss this week's as well. It's almost looking like I may as well give up on that avenue for more friends until the semester's over. :rolleyes: There's only two meetings left after that, assuming they meet till the end of the semester.

More thinking: I have mixed feelings lately about Mal's and my agreement to a OPP.

On the one hand, it's not something I think is a big deal right now. As I stated above, I'm feeling more and more attracted to femininity. And, I knew to start with that I was more interested in finding a female partner than a male partner - I'm bi curious and really think I would enjoy a same-sex sexual experience.

On the other hand, Mal and I both agree that having an agreement based on gender is, by its very nature, sexual discrimination. And Mal and I agree that it isn't based on logic. I know we're all conditioned by society to certain ideas, and one of the strongest of those ideas are gender roles and how those are supposed to work in relationships. Sure, Mal and I don't agree with them - actually, I really relate to transcending gender, to being a person with certain traits as vs. whether or not I'm appropriately feminine enough or maybe too masculine - but that doesn't mean they don't affect us, sometimes in deep and disturbing ways.

Back to the first hand, I feel for Mal: he had 5 ex's before me and 4 of them left him for another guy after cheating on him with the other guy. When I first started dating him, it had been more than a year since his last ex had left him, and he still was strongly affected by it. When Mal commits to someone, he gives his all, and he had almost given up on making those kinds of commitments because he'd been burned so many times. So I know he isn't faking it or just being pissy when he says that he has a strong emotional reaction to the thought of me being with another guy.

Back to the other hand, there's a part of me that's kind of offended for my gender that Mal would be upset by me being with another guy, but not by me being with a girl: IMNSHO, either type of relationship should be of equal strength and worth. Maybe he *should* feel threatened by me being with a girl.

Back to the first hand, I don't really feel that I need a second male partner, certainly not at the moment; it isn't like there's someone waiting in the wings. Is it really fair of me to push Mal on this issue when it's very painful for him and has no obvious gain? On the other hand, I definitely don't want to wait until there IS someone in the wings - that would make any discussion much more difficult.

Another worry of mine: Mal has said that since he understands that there isn't a good logical reason for the OPP, then he won't have another female partner unless I share her - he wants this to be fair. I've read a lot on here, and I've realized that most triads turn into vee's. I've expressed to him that I'd really hate to start a triad only to have his relationship with the woman turn in to the stronger one, and then to have him break off a perfectly good relationship with someone we both like just because I'm no longer romantically involved and he feels the need to have a "fair" OPP. He's listened, and I don't think either of us have a good answer yet.

I guess it'll probably take a lot of discussion - and time - before we can come to a final conclusion (if there's anything really final about a relationship).

Meanwhile, I'm doing a lot of studying for biology - as mentioned, finals are in three weeks. Wish me luck lol :)

eklctc 11-29-2010 02:02 AM

I'm just now popping in on your first entry. I have yet to visit the links you provided but will when I have more time.

I really enjoy OKcupid. I've been a member since, I want to say, late December 2009 or January 2010. I originally joined it solely for the questions and quizzes since I really enjoy those sorts of things. Then I realized how much I liked their journal set-up. The people came last. :) I, however, have met a few interesting people on the site, met my current partners on their before the summer, and am currently speaking with a couple of potentials (one of which I have been chatting up since August and one brand new one). I, especially, love the site now that they have added the Explanation field to the questions. Sometimes, yes, no, or maybe just doesn't do it.

I think I am similar to you with the procrastination thing. I have been working on my last six classes towards my B.A. in Accounting but have been discouraged due to my lapse in taking classes and how difficult those last few classes have been.

Regarding counseling for Mal, you should look into sliding scale counseling centers in your area. I'm sure there has to be one or two available to you.

Hmm...I guess a good question would be..how does Mal define 'fair' regarding the additional partner (female in this case). I mean, a defunct triad can still be a great vee with one strong romantic relationship and one strong loving but platonic relationship. I do agree that there should be more discussion regarding the relevance of the gender of the partner since either can give cause for worry but, being that you are bicurious and not pansexual or even bisexual, I can see how he would have greater concern regarding a male partner.

Yay, biology! ... Not. :P

Company 12-02-2010 02:21 AM

I think you may be putting too much thought on the what-ifs. You might be happier working with one hand, since one or both may be empty at this point. What's always worked for me, when I can maintain the position (which isn't always easy), is 'going with the flow'. If a female partner feels right, work with that. When you feel like you want a male partner would be the time to talk about that. If Mal is already struggling, talking about what may not come to pass could just aggravate his situation more.

That doesn't mean it's wrong for you to worry-- the situation does sound sexist, he clearly has some baggage that you want him to get rid of. But is now the time? You may find a better opportunity to have him work on it ahead. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you sure the conflict wouldn't just be another distraction? ;)

Also, were you enjoying your school group? If you were able to attend the meetings more regularly, would that fulfill you as much as other pursuits you could engage in?

Raven 12-02-2010 04:15 PM


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 54254)
I really enjoy OKcupid.... I, especially, love the site now that they have added the Explanation field to the questions. Sometimes, yes, no, or maybe just doesn't do it.

I'm liking OK Cupid quite a lot, although I've had mixed success so far - chatted with one person, messaging a poly person (just as potential friends), gave up on chatting with a third person because she never messaged back. Last couple times I was on, no one else was, so I didn't get to chat with anyone... I may just have to get over my shyness and actually message people instead of just chat. I, also, love the explanation field! It really helps, especially with the complex questions, to give a real snapshot of the person's viewpoint. Sometimes the actual answer can be misleading from the person's opinion.


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 54254)
I think I am similar to you with the procrastination thing.

I think fighting procrastination is a life-long battle... I'm in my 5th year of college, and I've determined that I have become an expert at cramming for assignments and exams, mostly because of all the practice lol. This semester has been really crazy for me, so I'm not getting the results I usually get; but as long as I can pass all my classes, I'm really hoping to graduate in two more semesters. Then I'll get a "break" in the working world for three semesters before going on to grad school. I'm not sure how much I'll be willing to go back to the 60-hr weeks of studying after a nice 9-to-5 job - time will tell. :p


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 54254)
Regarding counseling for Mal, you should look into sliding scale counseling centers in your area.

I'm not sure - I know there are two hospitals in the area that offer counseling etc, we may eventually look in to that and see what kind of payment options they offer. We've been talking, and he has some kind-of-related results from a school test coming back later this week; we'll probably make more of a decision after that.


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 54254)
Hmm...I guess a good question would be..how does Mal define 'fair' regarding the additional partner (female in this case).

I think from what he said that he would want both of us to be at least romantically involved, even if not at the same pace / intensity. It's a good question to ask. :)


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 54254)
being that you are bicurious and not pansexual or even bisexual, I can see how he would have greater concern regarding a male partner.

That's a good point - I hadn't really thought of that in relation to Mal's objection to a male partner. I'm pretty sure that I would enjoy having a female partner, but I can't actually KNOW that until I have experience with it. :)


Originally Posted by eklctc (Post 54254)
Yay, biology! ... Not. :P

I actually love biology lol :cool: I just hate deadlines and exams :p It would be awesome if I could just geek out all day with no consequences on whether or not I write things up in time or remember details, but unfortunately grades don't work that way lol.


Originally Posted by Company (Post 54765)
I think you may be putting too much thought on the what-ifs.... When you feel like you want a male partner would be the time to talk about that. If Mal is already struggling, talking about what may not come to pass could just aggravate his situation more.

Some agreement and some disagreement here. :) I do have a tendency to not let go of things - I tend to grab on to an issue and then go over and over and over it until it's resolved. Mal likes resolving things too, but he has a more gradual approach; with him, things work best if we work on an issue for a little bit, then let it drop for a while before picking it up again. It's always good for me to be reminded to not beat something to death before he has a chance to ruminate lol :)

What we've done with discussion so far is that I've talked to him off and on about it for a couple days, and then I dropped the issue, probably for the next few months. I'll probably start thinking about it again at some point in the future and bring it back up, then repeat process until we're at a point where we really agree. Actually, most of my posting here was after our discussion - writing things down helps me let go of them lol. :)

That said... I think I should deal with this issue now (i.e. keep talking about it occasionally), as opposed to some point in the future when I think I want a second male partner. A couple reasons. First, I think Mal has enough of an emotional objection to the idea of me with a male partner that if I was discussing this in the context of, "Hey, I really want a male partner," as vs. "I'd like the option to be available if I ever do feel that I want a male partner," the discussion would be a lot more difficult for him. Second, I can see the possibility of me partially jumping the gun if I just waited - and I think this discussion would explode if it was in the context of "Hey, I want X to be my second male partner, let's talk about that."

At the very least, if we keep talking about it on occasion, I know how he's feeling and what the consequences for both of us are likely to be if I did end up with feelings for a second guy. Right now, he's been through a ton of stress in the last few months, and I think he'd fall apart if I told him that I had feelings for another guy. I might not have known that if I hadn't been discussing it with him.


Originally Posted by Company (Post 54765)
Also, were you enjoying your school group? If you were able to attend the meetings more regularly, would that fulfill you as much as other pursuits you could engage in?

I was really enjoying the school group. It's a "freethinkers" club - we basically got together once a week and talked about a different subject, discussing different ideas, definitions, opinions, interpretations, evidence, etc. I really love those kinds of discussions, and there were several people there that I think I could become better friends with.

I'm not sure what you mean by fulfilling me as much as other pursuits... I don't really have any other social pursuits right now, with the exception of OK Cupid, and that's not really a major pursuit right now. I'd like to look around for other groups as well (my mom suggested a book club recently, I might look at that); but everything is kind of on hold until after finals / holidays. School etc is very fulfilling for me, but I've definitely realized that I need social interaction as well. :)

Thanks again for the comments :)

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