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-   -   Friend taking sides? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4282)

gwendolenthefair 11-21-2010 09:09 PM

Friend taking sides?
This isn't really 100 percent a poly issue, but poly makes it more complicated, naturally.

About six months ago I had a very bitter breakup with my secondary partner of two and a half years. I have some evidence that my metamour, his other girlfriend, who had been "promoted" to be his primary partner our last few months together, had a lot to do with our breakup, and I know for a fact that she tried to talk him into dumping me months before he actually did so.

I have very happily moved on with another partner, and although I am still sad about losing the man I thought was my best friend, I know in my heart it was for the best.

Now comes the problem. I have a female friend, whom I'll call A., whom I had introduced to both the ex and the metamour in our last few troubled months together. I met A. through a mutual online buddy. A. was fairly new in town and eager to make friends in the poly community. I hadn't known her for very long when I introduced her to my then-boyfriend and metamour, but she and I had hit it off famously (I thought), and I considered that we had a lot of potential to be really close friends. A. supported me through my breakup, heard all about the treachery of my metamour and the bad behavior of my ex, and acted very sympathetic and angry on my behalf. I supported her through a bad breakup she herself had a couple of months later too.

The past four or five months, I have not really heard from A. at all, and when I've managed to get hold of her, or run into her at a social event, or had her at my house one time for a party, I hear that she has a new partner who occupies much of her free time, is swamped at work, has a sick mother-in -law, marital problems, etc. I've been sympathetic and understanding, and the last time I saw her, I suggested that we get together as soon as she has a bit more free time.

The problem, for me, lies in that it is evident, from some Facebook posts of hers, that she has continued to see my treacherous ex-metamour socially, possibly along with my ex too. I really did not expect her to take sides and dump them as friends altogether just because I broke up with him, but I feel that she effectively HAS taken sides, since she sees them, but not me, lately.

Am I overreacting? The mutual friend that I have with A. insists that she never takes sides, but I feel very passed over here, and like I may have lost a friend simply because I got dumped.

ray 11-21-2010 09:27 PM

I'm sorry that you feel like you're losing a friend. Have you ever point blank asked her if she feels like she cannot hang out with you because she hangs out with them? It could be a misunderstanding or maybe she has taken sides or it could be something else entirely but my only advice to ascertain from her what she feels. Approaching it with a sense of gentleness and openness to the situation may help her feel more comfortable telling you what's on her mind. I know I have a hard time with these types of convos but i don't see another way to figure it out.

redpepper 11-22-2010 12:34 AM

I think that to invest any emotion in the situation at all would make you crazy. I think I would just try and let it go. Obviously she likes hanging out with them more right now. Sorry that it hurts though.

Ariakas 11-22-2010 01:03 AM

Not all Friends are a life friends. Sometimes people move on and sometimes they do pick sides, even without knowing it.

Jodi 11-22-2010 02:20 PM

hi gwendolyn, sorry that your feelings are hurt. mb u should focus on how you were there for eachother during the rough times of break-up.

i would let it rest and accept it. i mean, how can you really force someone to hang-out with you? it is what it is, sorry for the cliche'.

i'd defiantely be annoyed, but i would try very hard to focus on others who didn't make me feel like i wasn't worthy enough for her time.

take care sweetie.

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