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-   -   Help to better support my spouse (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42800)

Squashking 03-15-2013 07:58 PM

Help to better support my spouse
 
Newbie to this forum and a newbie to the poly world :D. I am a male and part of a quad. I have been married for almost 20 years now... we are very close, very happy. A year ago my wife and I got into full swapping with another couple whom we have been very close friends with for many years. Until then both couples were completely monogamous and no one had any experience doing this in the past. Needless to say we were all pretty shocked, scared, and excited when it happened. Imagine 4 newbies trying to figure out this stuff at the same time with raging NRE! Since then lots of amazing highs and some horrible lows. With every challenge the relationship actually grew much deeper. In fact only a month ago we learned what polyamory actually was, here I thought we were all screwed up. I love this forum... it has taught me a great deal but most importantly to embrace this lifestyle and not hide from it.

I have personally come a long way and feel that I have beaten my own issues of jealousy, fear and insecurities. Pretty much nothing bothers me any longer at least so far...

My wife on the other hand is having a tough time. There is no question that she fully enjoys the benefits of that this special relationship provides, she is the first one to jump into bed :-). For the most part its has enhanced our marriage due to simple over-communication. But sometimes she worries that she will lose me or we will grow apart, which leads to other insecurities. These feelings snowball at times. I am working really hard to reassure her but that doesn't seem to be enough. She knows she is not trapped into this. Any suggestions on how best to help her? Perhaps time? Perhaps we slow things down?

Thanks in advance for your help.

AnnabelMore 03-16-2013 01:42 AM

I don't have specific advice, but the resources on jealousy at this site are particularly good: www.morethantwo.com

CherryBlossomGirl 03-16-2013 01:57 AM

Find Balance.
 
I would suggest two things. The first would be to ask your wife to think about what she needs from you to feel safe, happy and secure; she is the person that holds the vast majority of the answers to the questions that you ask. My next suggestion would be that it's really, really, really important to invest in your relationship with her and create a sense of oneness with her; dates, romance, flowers, letters, cards, massages, a special dinner, a nice bottle of wine, a gift certificate to a spa - romance and messages of love and desire for her.

Ask her what she needs, and romance her socks off. Those are my only two pieces of advice.

Squashking 03-16-2013 03:11 PM

Wonderful advice! I have being doing a few of those suggestions ideas already but clearly there is room for improvement! ;)

GalaGirl 03-18-2013 12:58 PM

Quote:

But sometimes she worries that she will lose me or we will grow apart, which leads to other insecurities. These feelings snowball at times. I am working really hard to reassure her but that doesn't seem to be enough. She knows she is not trapped into this. Any suggestions on how best to help her? Perhaps time? Perhaps we slow things down?
Remember you have lost something. Even if things are going great, you have lost it "being just the two of you."

She could have stepped in at stage 4 in the stages of grief and need support through it. There was a similar thread recently here.

If her jealous is coming out of "fear of abandonment" or "fear we will be losing touch"... could perhaps read this together and talk about doing more page 5 and page 6 things in addition to what the previous posters suggested.

HTH!
GG

Squashking 03-18-2013 07:22 PM

GalaGirl... thanks very much for this. This is really good stuff.

I believe that you are absolutely right, she does feel that she has lost something. Some days are great and some days she gets "concerned". I am trying to sort out my reactions to it as well. I have learned the hard way that an annoyed response to this is totally counter productive ;-).

I have most certainly upped the ante with putting far more effort into our relationship and so has she... results have been great. The one absolute gift to a poly relationship is the deeper connection I now have with my spouse.

Thanks again everyone! This forum rocks.

LovingRadiance 03-18-2013 07:47 PM

In our dynamic, we figured out that reconnect time was critical. So, for example, if we have a poly date, when its over we have a cuddle time for the two of us alone. Sometimes we talk-sometimes we just cuddle. But it helps remind each of us that the time with others hasn't alleviated our bond.

We also agreed that once a week we need a "no kids or other partners conversation" date. Not that those people don't matter-but that date is for romancing each other without discussing kids or other lovers.

The romancing is HUGE. NRE can sweep people away thinking about the new partners. So make sure that you are "woo-ing" her too.

I also suggest identifying your personal love languages (theres a book "the 5 love languages"). It really can simplify so much!

For example, my primary love languages are acts of service and quality time. So if my partner lavishes me with gifts or compliments, that really doesn't reassure me of his love as quickly, easily or completely as if he filled my gas tank and scheduled a time for us to go for a walk together.

For me, taking a walk with me is equal to several dozens of flowers delivered over the course of a week!

On the otherhand, Maca's love language is physical touch. Without hugs, hand holding, sex, cuddling etc-I could waste hours trying to tell him how much I love him. But-if I just make a point of running my hand through his hair when I pass by him, he's in heaven filled with confidence of my love. ;)


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