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-   -   An interesting situation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=428)

foxflame88 06-27-2009 10:35 PM

An interesting situation
 
So I recently started a new relationship with a married poly man. His wife is not poly and doesn't understand his being so. She still has the "why am I not enough" mindset. She knows he has met someone else (me) but we have not met. I know he loves her greatly, and ideally he wants her to be able to accept his being poly. He does not want a divorce, but knows it will happen if she can't accept his being poly. He asked me last night if I would be willing to meet her and talk to her, of course if she was also willing. He thinks maybe a woman's perspective may help her understand better his poly nature, and to be more comfortable with it. I'm not sure what to do.

Quath 06-28-2009 04:34 AM

I think it is good for metamores to meet and be on basic speaking terms to help work out issues from scheduling to planning things like birthdays. If she talks to you, it may seem more real to her. Maybe she will no longer see you as much of a threat. If you show that you value his relationship with her, it may put her mind at ease.

But you know the situation better than I do. Do you think it will go badly?

foxflame88 06-28-2009 04:47 AM

I'm not sure what to expect... I actually WANT to meet her, and he tells me I will love her when I get to know her. My concern/fear is that she will decide she cannot accept his poly nature and choose to leave the marriage, whether or not she and I get along.

While he and I both prefer all parties involved to be poly, I chose to get involved fully knowing that his wife is still on the fence, and most likely going to be mono to him. I am ok with that. He loves her, and I know he'll be hurt if she chooses to leave.

LethalTender 06-28-2009 06:31 AM

Go for it
 
If you want to meet your paramor's wife, then by all means go. At the moment you are just a image in her mind that she is trying to cope with. By coming to see you you will (at the very least) show that you are willing to face her and give her the chance to address her feelings and concerns to you.

As far as your fears of her possibly leaving her husband, try not to let them overwhelm you. Its, easy to try and place blame on oneself for the pain in the lives of our loved ones, however this is a matter that is more specific to the relationship that he and his wife share. Should the worst occur and she leave the most you should dare accept blame for is loving him, and being wanting and willing to work the matter out with her. Some could very well argue that it IS your fault for stealing his affections. The problem is that the heart is something that has little to any direction in how and whom it chooses to love.

To deny our emotions and our nature to deny the fundamentals of who we are. And in denying it we inevitably set ourselves up for personal disapointment and pain in our lives.

Well, I am rambling. Good luck to you hun and best wishes. If she opens the door for you to come talk I am certain you will be ready and willing to go. Take care.

foxflame88 06-28-2009 06:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LethalTender (Post 2296)
Its, easy to try and place blame on oneself for the pain in the lives of our loved ones, however this is a matter that is more specific to the relationship that he and his wife share. Should the worst occur and she leave the most you should dare accept blame for is loving him, and being wanting and willing to work the matter out with her. Some could very well argue that it IS your fault for stealing his affections.

I am not fearful that she will choose to leave because of ME per se... she knew of his polyamorous nature before I was in the picture. But because I am the first tangible evidence she can "see" that makes it REAL, I worry that she won't give me a fair shot, even if she agrees to meet me. Does that make any sense?

LethalTender 06-28-2009 07:49 AM

Understanding
 
It does make sense. You are.. the first. The begining. And I guess there is that sense of pressure in being the capstone for all that is to follow.. good AND bad.

So your fear of her chosing to leave is natural. And quite frankly, your fear is a part of this new word I kept seeing on here. Compersion? You take full joy and satisfaction from the love and joy that your loved one has in his marriage. And you love him deeply and you WANT for this to continue for him.

That his marriage is at risk, you FEAR the hurt and possible pain that would be a by product of this break up. (should it occur) Becuase any possible pain that he may feel, so will you by way of this compersion this loving empathic sympathy. I do so hope I am making sense. :o

However! I am not the only one here? Mono? I do so not mean to be calling you out but, am I getting the explanation right?

I will keep you in my prayers Alli. And I am hoping the best for you and your loves.

LethalTender 06-28-2009 07:52 AM

Aaaand...
 
I do pray wholeheartily that she DOES give you a fair chance. That she IS willing to try and get to know you and come to judge you for the person that you ARE, and ACCEPTS you. And does not rely on some false images in her head. Just because she knew about his nature does not mean that she fully understands or supports it. Time will have to be a factor. I wish you well hun.

digitaldream 06-30-2009 08:01 PM

Well, you know we hold nothing but hugs & prayers for you *kisses* and *hugs*

MonoVCPHG 06-30-2009 08:37 PM

You have to believe that if she does decide to leave him it will not be about you. It will be her inability to cope with loving a polyamorous person. Trust me, if she is wired the same way I am she is not taking this lightly and is definitely struggling especially at first...by not running already she has shown great strength, just as he has shown great strength in risking losing her by following his nature. It doesn't mean she doesn't love him, it just means the pain/pleasure balance is too tilted to the pain side. There is no fault in this when two totally different natures emerge...it simply is nature.

Compersion is wonderful. I have complete compersion for what Redpepper and her husband have. I am a huge advocate of long term partners getting to know each other and become comfortable that everyone is secure. Honestly, I will be extremely challenged by the introduction of another man into her life and only at that time will be able to assess my own pleasure/pain balance. I have gone down the road of guessing and it completely takes away from the present.

Nature take us along paths chosen from deep inside us…We're all only human...there is nothing unnatural in responding to how our nature dictates.

Nothing that happens will truly be the result of your presence in his life, it will be the result of human nature, his and hers.

Northern 06-30-2009 10:18 PM

I feel for you on this one. Meeting may be a good idea in the long run, whichever way it helps her make a decision on whether she can grow comfortable with the idea.


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