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-   -   A difficult situation (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4277)

FitChick 11-21-2010 10:51 AM

A difficult situation
 
My boyfriend of 11 months is in a complicated family setup,he has 3 children with his ex wife and a 5 month old baby with his ex girlfriend. He has very little spare time for himself which in part is due to his refusal to go down the proper custodial route with his exes,he basically lets them decide everything because he cannot afford proper maintenance.

We have decided I won't move up there because a) I haven't spent much time with the children b) I don't get along with the mother of the baby at all c) simply because he won't have time for a full time live in relationship and d) financial reasons.

What I don't get is his absolute fear that he needs to commit to me,I have never asked for that,and given his complicated set up I wouldn't wish that on anybody,he just seemed to assume this. He did make some promises he couldn't keep in the NRE phase and I'm sure he feels guilty about that. He seems to want to keep the status quo but at the same time is somehow fearful of it. We used to make plans in advance but now he won't,its like he is stuck to one spot.

Me and his secondary have discussed his situation tonight and are both very concerned for his mental state,he needs counselling but of course we can only suggest it and given his reluctance to ask for help I can't see it happening..

All this is taking its toll on me,I am a very caring,emotional person but this has forced me to take a step back,because it is exhausting my nervous system. Some days it is a rollercoaster. :(

How do I get 'me' back again??:confused:

GroundedSpirit 11-21-2010 01:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FitChick (Post 53298)
..........
All this is taking its toll on me,I am a very caring,emotional person but this has forced me to take a step back,because it is exhausting my nervous system. Some days it is a rollercoaster. :(

How do I get 'me' back again??:confused:

Hey Fitchick,

I feel for you - seriously. And it seems from your writing that you do know the answer.

We can't "fix" the world - much as we might desire. That's a huge awakening for a caring person. So your 'stepping back' seems a wise choice - in reality about the only one.
Going forward in that mode only leads to enabling. Which of course only makes things worth.

Seems all we can do is verbalize this concept - that although we support people in their quest, it is THEIR quest. They have to jump in and do the swimming themself.
When they actually get to the point the seek advice and FOLLOW IT, you have some indication they are serious.
Until then, it's all games..........................

GS

FitChick 11-21-2010 11:26 PM

Thank you GS :)

And yes I have come to realize that no matter how much we want to 'help' and fix things',it has to come from the individual themselves. Its better just to say ones piece and let it go..

I have told him that both me and his secondary are here for him,not so much for advice,but for emotional support. He made the choices he did so in reality he has to find a way to deal with the consequences himself,and not drag me into it.

Jodi 11-22-2010 02:26 PM

how can you get you back?

i'd first congratulate yourself on not moving closer and assessing the situation well. he's lucky to have you as a friend.

then, i'd talk to him less, but check-up as much as you can, w/out feeling upset.

hope it works out for him. but, if he does go to counseling that would be good.

my therapist said to me that i can't avoid things, have to go right through them and deal with the issues. sounds like that's what he has todo.

Magdlyn 12-08-2010 06:49 PM

It's too bad he knocked up his ex gf when they were on the verge of breaking up! Was that a child wanted by both of them, a condom break, or something else? I hope he's good with condoms now. He sure doesnt need more kids at this point!

FitChick 12-08-2010 08:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 55269)
It's too bad he knocked up his ex gf when they were on the verge of breaking up! Was that a child wanted by both of them, a condom break, or something else? I hope he's good with condoms now. He sure doesnt need more kids at this point!

He told me they were planning a baby down the track but it happened alot faster than he anticipated because he felt that her history of 4 terminations would count against her...guess not huh?! ;) He shouldn't have ever told me that because that made me feel ill...

and yes he's had to learn proper contraception at the ripe old age of 41, we're still 'practicing' :p

NeonKaos 12-08-2010 08:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FitChick (Post 55276)
He told me they were planning a baby down the track but it happened alot faster than he anticipated because he felt that her history of 4 terminations would count against her...guess not huh?! ;) He shouldn't have ever told me that because that made me feel ill...

and yes he's had to learn proper contraception at the ripe old age of 41, we're still 'practicing' :p

Wow, someone should show that to anti-choice people who think that abortions ruin a women's fertility. :rolleyes:

FitChick 12-08-2010 11:27 PM

totally!

I've heard of a number of women who've been able to conceive after this,maybe not this many. from what I understand multiple terminations increase cervical incompetency(the chance of not being able to carry to term) and in case of my bf ex she went into labour at 38 weeks.

Magdlyn 12-09-2010 12:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FitChick (Post 55296)
totally!

I've heard of a number of women who've been able to conceive after this,maybe not this many. from what I understand multiple terminations increase cervical incompetency(the chance of not being able to carry to term) and in case of my bf ex she went into labour at 38 weeks.

I've got a friend who was careless in her youth and ended up with 5 abortions. She went on to have 3 kids.

38 weeks isnt early, btw. It's within range of normal. A baby isnt considered early til 37 weeks, and a premie at 36 weeks. So, her cervix mightve been just fine, the baby just mightve been cooked. Perhaps. I had a 37 weeker, and it wasn't because of my cervix's incompetence.


Anyway! Glad your bf is now figuring out birth control, with your help. Better late than never.

FitChick 12-10-2010 08:01 AM

Magdlyn,can I ask how your friend got through the 'system' having 5 terminations without someone asking why or intervening? My bf's ex is seriously disturbed and threatened it with this one which upset me immensely being adopted and wanting to be a 'mother' myself..feel free to PM me :)


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