Fun Happens Late
Forgive me if the title is misleading; Selene has on Dave Attell while she makes dinner and I find that particular track kind of true. The fun mobile always seems to ride ten minutes behind me; it gets there the moment I've bloody left, or it leaves right before I arrive.
I got tired of writing all my thoughts about my relationship in my journal. I usually reserve that for different things. And even though Selene already explained us, I'm going to do it from my perspective. I think that's most interesting. I would do it now, but goddamn Dave Attell is very loud and very entertaining. Goddamn you coarse humor, ruining my blog time and making me giggle like an idiot. Anyway, I'd rather do this person-by-person. I want to assure all my lovelies that I'm taking my time with our history together and being as thorough as they deserve. You know, as thorough as I can be without boring anybody to tears. Lord knows I already know all this crap. ;)
As a brief overview to leave any possible readers with (or maybe to remind myself...), my relationship is extremely new. Company and I began dating our five metamours on October 15th of this year. See? Very new. We live with Vegeta, Ariel and Thunder in a cramped two bedroom apartment with six cats and a handful of fish. Selene and Andulvar live in their own one-bedroom apartment in the same complex, with their two cats.
Eh... It doesn't sound much like a completed thought, but I guess here's as good a place as any to stop for now. Time to pick up Company from work, and it's raining like nobody's business tonight.
I'm going to start with Thunder, since I'm in the same room as him. :)
I first met Thunder in our junior year of high school. After a couple months of knowing each other, we started dating. Since neither of us remember it that well, clearly we weren't very enthusiastic about it. After maybe two weeks, I broke it off and it was pretty mutual. Over those last two years of high school, we became awesome friends.
Thunder is the one who taught me how not to suck ass at Smash Brothers Melee, which was our main form of bonding after high school. We started also playing World of Warcraft together, he being my tank and I being his priest. It sounds dirty already... Well, nothing of great tumult really happened between Thunder and I save for the last year or so when he shacked up with one of our best friends, Wolf. Both of them had come out of very bad breakups, and they sort of fell into their own relationship.
I thought this was great, because it seemed to complete our circle of friends. Everyone before Wolf and Thunder were already engaged. However, this was not exactly meant to be. Wolf got bored, found she wasn't getting what she wanted from Thunder, and broke it off after only a couple months. Thunder was heartbroken and spent a lot of time pining for Wolf, which made my relationship with both people strained. Thunder would talk incessantly about missing her, and when it wasn't about missing her, it was about what a bitch she was.
It took a long time for Thunder to come out of this terrible funk. When he finally did, Wolf was already beginning another relationship that had been kept secret from all of us. I was devastated that she would be so secretive; I always thought we had the kind of relationship where we could tell each other everything. Wolf claimed it was because she didn't trust me enough. Needless to say, I cut her out of my life and left her adrift to fall where she may. I hate secrets more than almost anything else. They break relationships, even if they are sometimes for the best of reasons. Maybe it's no surprise I have this viewpoint now, because at the same time of this catastrophe of information from Wolf, my parents were threatening divorce on one another because my mother had been seeing someone on the side for a year or more. Just a family secret, right?
Well, this hate for secrets is why I was more than a little irritated with Thunder (who is by nature a very secretive person most times) when he began what Ariel and Vegeta lovingly refer to as a booty call. They say it wasn't a relationship really, because there was no commitment. It was simply sex. Either way, Company and I sure crimped that style when we got kicked out of my parents' house and Ariel took us in like stray puppies.
I feel as though I sort of fell into this relationship the way Thunder and Wolf fell into one... but if it's up to me, I will make it much longer-lasting.
I still get those moments where I think, oh, Wolf would like this. Then I remember that she fucked off.
The Wastelands Between Good Times
For lack of more imaginative language, I'm frustrated as hell. There are a couple problems within my relationship which unfortunately have not been solved due to what Selene lovingly refers to as "life happening". I suppose so, but let me elaborate.
Just before Ariel's two younger brothers came to stay with us for Thanksgiving, I (and every other metamour, from what I hear from them) had a problem with both Ariel and Vegeta. See, they're the kind of couple who want to be around one another a hundred percent of the time. This is an admirable quality, but one that I'm finding lately to be constricting to their metamours. I get quite a bit of time with Ariel, and almost none with Vegeta. Don't get me wrong, I see them and spend time with both of them quite a bit since we live together. What I mean by "time together" is one-on-one alone time where I can further establish my relationship with someone. I don't get this with Vegeta, and I'm not the only one. I haven't said anything to either of them because I've seen Ariel's response to Company wanting time alone with Vegeta. Generally, it's not pleasant. Honestly, I don't want to ask in front of Ariel, anyway. I believe that what is between me and one person is private, unless both of us want it otherwise. If I asked Vegeta for alone time and Ariel answered me, I wouldn't like it at all. I don't answer for Company when one of his metamours asks for something, I don't get into it at all. It's not my relationship and not my place. It's my opinion that a person is responsible for prioritizing themselves and their lives, and that includes meeting the needs of their primary. If they don't, it's something that person needs to deal with... no one else can help you prioritize, because you either learn how to do it, or you don't. Ariel has insecurities that people want Vegeta more than they want her, but when no one is allowed to spend time with Vegeta, of course you hear about Vegeta more. If it were the other way, you would hear about more people wanting to spend time with Ariel, now wouldn't you? I certainly would have the same problem as I do now if the situation were reversed for them.
The bottom line is that my needs as Vegeta's girlfriend are not being met. If she doesn't want to meet those needs, it's a talk we should have together about the future, if any, of our relationship. A talk which does not at any point include Ariel being present. I love her, and I love her a lot, but I don't want her in the middle of my other relationships. That would go for anyone else who tried to do that.
I would have talked with both of them about this problem, but I didn't think it was appropriate with Ariel's brothers around. I don't know if she told them that we're poly, but she said she was uncomfortable with showing affection while they were there. I tried not to let myself feel like I wasn't in a relationship with Ariel; physical contact is a big deal to me when I'm with someone. It affirms a lot better than words.
Then, Vegeta's father passed away. It's extremely rough on Vegeta, and it makes me further want to postpone talking about these things with her to let her have her time. It looks like Ariel keeps trying to watch what everyone's saying and talking about so that Vegeta doesn't cry more about her dad, but I think it's good for her to cry. I think she just needs to get it out and do what she needs to do. I don't know how to console her at all because I've never lost a parent, and I'm not all that sure I would be so sad about it.
This whole situation with the two of them is a big problem for poor Company, too. After Company and I had our last huge fight, in which some violence was involved (we're working on it...), his relationships with them was put on hiatus. He's trying to make it up to them, trying to fix things, but Ariel has put the lock-down on both herself and Vegeta. Any little things he tries are responded to with passive-aggressive attitude and "You don't get to do that because you have to earn back the trust you lost." How is that in any way helpful? It's just like the goddamn credit conundrum you run into when you're young. You need to credit to get credit-- well fuck, how do you get it in the first place? Nobody knows. Oh wait, you go into debt with a credit card.... Great. I don't know what the credit card is going to be an analogy for, or the debt, but I really don't want to find out. Company's extremely unhappy about it all.
The only good that's come out of it is that he's taking my advice and letting it lie for now. There's nothing he can do because for the most part, they won't let him. So now he's focusing more on his relationship with Selene, and it seems to be going very well.
Soon, I'm going to bring up my problems to Vegeta and to Ariel. Her brothers leave today, but I still want to give Vegeta time to grieve. Hopefully I can time it right and get everything solved without intruding on that.
I have to warn you that it took me five years before I "stopped grieving" over my mother's death, and I'm just now getting to the point where I can even entertain the idea of additional relationships (my mother died in September 2001, two weeks after 9-11).
My wonderful patient husband stood right by me the whole time.
There was nothing I found more irksome than people suggesting that it "should" take this-or-that-amount-of-time to "finish" grieving. It takes many people AT LEAST a year or two, depending on how close they were to whoever died.
Well Whatever Then
After going home briefly for some lunch, Company, Andulvar and I were all greeted with Ariel coming to break up with us. She said she did a lot of soul-searching for herself and that Vegeta did the same, and they're certain that they're not polyamorous. I couldn't stop myself, and even though the things I said could never be faulted for anything, the tone was abrupt, abrasive, almost cold.
I can safely say that I am closing myself off for a little while right now. I want to say that I didn't have the time or the closeness necessary to form emotional bonds, but if that was absolutely never the case, I wouldn't have been dating them to begin with. :(
Andulvar didn't get those things, so he didn't care very much at all. Thunder didn't really get what he needed either, and he says he's used to getting bad news, so he was relatively fine. Selene... well, instead of letting them tell her themselves, because I knew she wasn't going to react well, I told her. True to her form, she didn't react well and asked me to tell them she didn't want to see or hear from them for a little while. Company isn't taking it very well either; he told me he feels betrayed, like he gave a part of himself to them and they ignored it or something.
We'll get over it eventually, but I don't think we're going to date anyone new. At least nobody except maybe Thunder, who doesn't have a primary and may want to find someone at some point. I suppose it's whatever, and we'll just get over it.
@NeonKaos: I was just wondering if there was an appropriate time to wait before bringing up problems... I certainly didn't want to intrude and be all "By the way, you're a shitty girlfriend" or something. I wouldn't want someone coming at me like that if someone I loved had just died, but I'd never had anything like that happen. I suppose it hardly matters now, since she broke up with me anyway and voided a reason for talks like that. ._.
Don't know what to tell you except try to be a good FRIEND to Vegeta. That probably means giving her some space, alone or with Ariel.
What helps me when things are out of control (and I do not respond well to stress) is to be thankful for my health, and that could go south at any moment too.
Sorry I don't have anything more useful at this time.
Like A Puddle With No Reflection
It seems whenever big things happen to go down, I end up at Selene's computer while she makes dinner, and my titles end up out of whatever she so happens to be listening to. Manhole by Ani DiFranco, in this instance.
When I first began posting on here (for the second time after a months-long unnoticed absence... can you tell I'm a pillar of this community? Bad joke. :o) I explained many times that my financial situation is non-existent. Company works, and my job is finding a job. When we were kicked out of my parents' house, we went to stay with Thunder, Vegeta, and Ariel. Company was unsure, he wanted to accept help from his dad and have us move to Ohio. But there seemed to me to be so much stability... Vegeta said over and over again that my home was there, and they wouldn't be like my parents. They wouldn't desert their family, and that's what they felt like we were. Don't get me wrong, nothing's free; we paid for the majority of the groceries, and I brought my parents' car with me (they know I have it, don't care much), and we worked out a way to pay 120$ worth of rent. After groceries and our own bills, that was all we could afford to contribute without going into negatives. Everyone seemed happy with this.
"Seemed" is a really bad word now.
Thunder called a house meeting tonight, because the tension has been unbearable since they broke up with everyone. (As a side note, they joked about breaking up with Andulvar, didn't really do it. Vegeta didn't break up with me, just hugged me while Ariel did it for her.) We were fine on Thursday, everyone having an okay time, and Friday woke to them staying out of the house as much as possible. They stayed the night over at Vegeta's mothers, and found every excuse to get out and stay out. Ariel didn't look at me, talk to me, so much as turn in my general direction. She avoided me like I was the newest deadly plague and CDC was out to get me. Everyone during the house meeting pushed her to tell us the truth, we wanted to know what the hell was going on. Here's a breakdown of what went on in her head.
It's okay for us to stay with them as long as we need to. (Not really, she just wants to be nice.)
Let's have a new relationship, I think I have feelings for you. (Not really, I just want to fuck your husband.)
Okay, a "mattress-room" sounds good, we can all go to bed with each other. (Umm... no, I need space and privacy. But I don't like it when you're mad at me, so let's just do it anyway.)
My brothers are here and I'm not ready to tell them I'm poly. Let's cool it down. (I actually need to soul-search and figure out if this is what I want.)
I'm breaking up with you. (I'm tired of fucking your husband.)
I'm uncomfortable with having a "mattress room". (I need my space and privacy, and I don't like you mooching off my apartment.)
Now, I won't say that this is absolutely what went through her head. She tried her best to explain to us that she was just curious, she didn't mean to hurt us. She doesn't want to throw us out, but she definitely isn't comfortable with us.
I'm so upset I could hardly give a fuck. In my eyes, to test your curiosity this way is wrong. I can't begin to come up with an alternative path to do so, but I am wronged here. Ariel told everyone that she had been uncomfortable from the beginning.
Every word from her mouth is a lie to me. I just got done with a situation very similar to this with Thunder's ex and my ex-friend Wolf. What they both did was not really lie, but it was just omissions. They just wouldn't tell us some things, and that was okay with them. It's not okay with me. I don't want to be left in the dark, I hate not knowing when there's no good reason not to say what the fuck the problem is. Is she really that much of a pussy that she can't just be honest? That's an integrity issue in her, and I cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped, let alone won't even stand my presence.
I was well off to licking my wounds about the breakup. She was dishonest to the extreme, well, that's not okay, but what can I do about it way after the fact? I can choose to not associate with her any longer, and I will. She's done in my life, and never again with that bullshit. As for Vegeta... well, that's Vegeta's choice. I don't honestly know to what extent she shares Ariel's feelings about everything. Even if she doesn't, I can't in good faith believe her because she spends too much of her time in front of me being on the fence. I'm always hearing about how in private she has definite opinions, I just never see them until the situation has exploded.
Most of all, what bothers me is how I let them use Company. I wish I had seen through the facade to the curiosity it really was. How Ariel was just polyfucking everyone and conning our emotions. Company thought it was that for a long time in the beginning, and when things began to boil for the millionth time. I told Selene earlier that it felt as though I'd had a daughter, and I let her get raped. It shouldn't feel that extreme, Company says it's not my fault, but somehow I feel like I've let him down. I should have done something about this, maybe protected his dignity a little better? Protected the sanctity of our own relationship before letting her waltz her way into his pants and use his dick to her own pleasure. She's sullied him, made him dirty... I want to wash him clean again, make him feel better about everything.
It's painfully obvious that I just can't.
For now we're going to stay with Andulvar and Selene, but I don't want staying with them to ruin our relationship the way it did with Ariel and Vegeta. It's funny, because now Selene is gung-ho about us staying when she used to be worried it would come between us. We've switched places... But in the end, if I don't find a job, Company and I can't stay. We can't support ourselves and we don't want to be burdening anyone of our metamours anymore, whether they want us to or not. We're adults, we need to find our feet once more. (Maybe this helps put it into perspective somehow, but I'm 21 and Company is only 19.)
My prioritizing makes me feel shitty, but I can't do this any other way. I can't give metamours what I don't have, and if my primary relationship isn't stable, I need to fix that. To fix that, I need to be stable enough to support myself. If I have to have something long-distance with them to do that... I might cry more than I ever have, I might miss them terribly, but this can't keep happening. I need to be self-sufficient! I need this to make me feel better, and to fulfill a promise I made Company a long time ago.
I WANT TO WORK, I WANT TO BE A PERSON WHO CONTRIBUTES TO THEIR COMMUNITY. For fuck's sake, I want an honest job, an honest living.
Raise Your Glass
I'm not gonna lie, that title came from P!NK. Sometimes my music gets a little homo, I suppose I shouldn't be so ashamed of that. I am, after all, a little homo. Oh, but my jokes have not gotten any better. Well, at least my situation has! I haven't posted here in a long time, I thought I might've been done with it. To be honest, I thought maybe Ariel might keep watching this for some odd reason. I wondered if I should keep posting here and lurking like I do when I've also found myself fetlife, and realized how many things I didn't know about, and so many more that I'm surprisingly into. Then I remembered I don't care, and I'm over all that-- of course at that point, I forgot all about it.
Company and I moved to Ohio, and it turned out to be a very good mood. One of my New Year's Resolutions was to have a job by June, and I made that happen sooner. I got a stable job within a month of being here, paid off all our debt, bought our first bed together... We were legally married before we left, and though everyone says that the first year is the roughest, I don't think we count. We've been married in our hearts for so long, it was really just paperwork. Of course there were a few fights, but nothing too extraordinary.
I was none to happy to leave, though, I tell you that. California means everything to me, and I feel so... unreal here. I try not to let it get to me, but it's like I'm living in empty space. Nothing seems to have much meaning outside my house, it's as if the whole world is on hold until I return home. Some would say I'm being melodramatic, but Ohio just doesn't feel like home. It's very "temporary" feeling. I actually hope so, because we really want to be with our metamours again soon.
There are ups to these downs, too, however. Selene, and most especially Andulvar, need this time in different ways. Selene wishes to have a very sentimental/romantic attachment with Company, and I don't think they were very able to achieve that in person. Andulvar is still very protective, and I think he needs to watch this grow in a way that, for his mind, is safer. Not by much, since he still gets titchy, but at least it's handled better than if we were handling it in one room.
Ah, Andulvar. Now that I'm not physically near him, I feel less awkward. The change is minimal at best. I'm a shy person by nature, I hate meeting new people. I love them once I've met them, I grow so attached it's as if I want to be their Siamese twin... But I don't handle myself well with Andulvar. One moment, I have an intense desire to be with him in a lot of different ways, but then the next... I'm not sure what I want. He seems to switch from two different relationships in my mind, where one is lover and the other brother. I write a lot of letters to him trying to explain this, but they never get mailed.
I write letters to a lot of people that never get mailed, and I haven't figured out if that was because I don't have stamps (and later on, have stamps but no envelopes), or because I'm afraid of their reaction. For the longest time I tried to tell Selene that I really want to have a very sexual relationship with her, but that I'm also not that fond of vagina. She might end up saying it's okay, but I'm not sure I think it's okay. But what do I do to overcome this? Cover it in chocolate, just dive in? Hell if I know. I actually am not sure if I did tell her about this or not, but again, I'm afraid of the reaction.
I hate letting people down, most especially myself.
Well, now I'm going to play WoW with Thunder and see what his sage advice is... Raise your glass for me and my sucky new job. :)
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