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-   -   Well he popped up again. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42727)

Livingmybestlife 03-14-2013 05:41 PM

Well he popped up again.
 
I broke things off with my long term boyfriend in January. I spent alot of time grieving this relationship. I no he disappeared from the places and friends I know about a month ago after I first saw him in public.

I had deleted all his information from my cell. Yesterday, my phone rang my preteen answered said she didn't know a kyle and thought he had the wrong number. A few minutes later I got a text from someone else. I looked at my phone and thought I had texts from my sister. I was half way sick and didn't pay attention to the fact that there was no name associated with the number it was the area code and first 3 of my bitch sister. So I texted something about my child. Then I realized oops, maybe it was him and asked and he said yeah. He then went on to say he didn't think I was going to talk to him since I pretended not to know him when he called. I said when did you call. He said just a few mins ago and I said it was my daughter who answered. I asked how he was. What he was up to. It was very much nothing said I had to go give my child a breathing treatment. That night he asked how the treatment went I didn't answer as I was asleep. He texted this morning around 5am a few times. I was asleep.

I have a feeling he wants to do a fwb thing. I just can't. I know some people can. But I love him so much that it would hurt me to much to put myself in that postition. I can't have him in and out of my life like a revolving door. He doesn't seem to get the fact, that when he told me he wanted to go sport fuck and not tell me. I told him I couldn't do that and I didn't want to go there. It has to do with fluid bonds and std's and how I feel like it like it would be disrespecting me when he knows my issues with it.

He actually said, well you said you didn't want to talk to me for awhile. What I said was, I didn't want to see or talk to him again it was to painful. That we wanted different things.

I called my bff, she said he has a way of reeling you in and perhaps it's best if I don't talk to him at all. He reels me in because we have this string between us and I love him, I believe he loves me to. I know he wants to be free and have no responsiblities. After watching people I love have to have surgeries and die because of std's I just can't be this person who has a partner who has little regard to just free fucking. Other people can but it isn't me.

Now I wonder should I just block him. So so hard.

Livingmybestlife 03-14-2013 06:34 PM

I was thinking about this situation and realized another issue is he is going to be 30 and can't move away from his moms. She has a fiance and he can't let go. I think I am messed up because I get sucked in every freaking time. So I need to figure out how not to be.

Malfunktions 03-14-2013 06:40 PM

30 and lives with his mom? And she has a fiancÚ? Either he has maternal "take care of me" issues or he really can't let go.

I agree that you should not talk to him, or have any contact, if he can reel you in that easily. IMHO, it's those ones that end up leaving you feeling trapped in a situation where your honour and morality heavily conflict with reality. And then what do u do?

Livingmybestlife 03-14-2013 11:06 PM

btw his name isn't kyle. That is why I was confused. At first there was a really crazy situation with the family. Now there is no reason whatsoever for him to be living there. I think the reason he broke things off the last time was because he was due to move into our house. That was after the first year of our relationship. Yes, we did get back togather shortly after and I decided it was best for him not to move in. There are to many things wrong in this.

I just have to treat him like a chocolate and pretend I am allergic. It's really good, but any at all will have me binging on it and then I get sick from it.

I can't juggle alot of partners and I have turned down dating some really nice people for him. I need to break this cycle now.

nycindie 03-15-2013 02:37 AM

Send one final text:
I wish you well, but please do not contact me again. It is better that way and I hope you will respect my wishes.
Then block him and stay strong.

GalaGirl 03-15-2013 07:27 AM

Know what? You JUST broke up with him. It is still fresh and you are still in the stages of grief.

You have not completed the stages of grief journey in mourning the loss of relationship to arrive at "acceptance" stage so you can accept these things fully:
  • Accepting he does not love me like I want to be loved.
  • Accepting he does not respect my limits like I want my limits respected.
  • Accept that while I love him and wish I could love him safely, he is not a safe person for me to love.

You are working toward that. Could ask yourself this...

While I am still in the stages of grief over the break up and vulnerable since it just happened 2 months ago...if my goal is to heal myself from this experience my OWN behavior could be...
  • Keep responding to my ex so he can bring me new upset and confuse me some more while I am grieving.
  • Stop talking to my ex so I can be free of new confusion and upset while I am grieving.
  • Expect my ex to honor personal limits of mine and call him on it when he does not.
  • Expect myself to honor my personal limits and call myself on it when I do not.


Could align yourself toward your goal in your words and in your behavior. Acceptance will come and penetrate "all the way across" eventually... but only if you let TIME do it's work. Every time to talk to him it is start the whole process over.

Quote:

He reels me in because we have this string between us and I love him, I believe he loves me too.
That's emotion talk. It's ok to feel. You will feel a lot in the stages of grief. But balance it out with BEHAVIOR DONE or NOT DONE.
  • This dude does not want a relationship shape that you want. You are not compatible.
  • This dude does not respect your limits. He ignores the no contact. He calls you at 5 AM?!

That whole thing could be rewritten like this...

Quote:


I love him. I want to believe that he loves me too and can love me in the way I want to be loved. But I know from his behaviors and his words that he will not / cannot provide the relationship shape and loving behaviors I require from the relationship model I seek. I know I cannot have it here with him. That's why I broke up.

I need time/space for my feelings and perceived reality to catch up to current status and actuality. I have broken the string between us physically by breaking up in January.

I know feelings take a while to catch up to behavior so I am waiting for the strings to untie emotionally and mentally and restore my spirit after my grieving time. He gives me no space to do all that in by dishonoring my no contact limit. I cannot control his behavior.

He reels me in because I respond and give him opportunity to weave his spell.

I could control my behavior better. I could hang up when he contacts me. I could change my number. I could block all his. I could do all those things and maybe a few others! I am going to choose to do....what?

YOU can give YOU the space you need if you choose. Choose your next behavior wisely. Could strive to meet your goal -- a healthy post-break up you.

Galagirl


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