Letters to Myself. A poor man's therapy.
The following is me trying to adapt to my wife loving someone other than me. There is history prior to this, but I'm too jaded to rehash it here. I'm copying all this from my notepad in iPhone, so please forgive the grammar. Spell checking it all is to much for my wasted emotional state these days....
November 19th 1AM
I've decided I need to keep this journal as therapy for myself. I wish I had someone to talk to and get feedback. I wish I could say all this to you, but I fear that the words could hurt what I fear is left of you and me.
** I went out with John again tonight. Last night was wild, and my mind was crazy. I was full of energy and felt great because I thought on of the girls we had met the previous night had messaged me somehow (though I hadn't given any info out) John was buying all the drinks, and I was being me. I felt great because I though someone was interested in me. I was giddy.*
** After getting off the phone with you the other day, and you were already with P, I again felt like I wasn't wanted. It's a gut feeling I can't shake. You say it isn't so, but it just keeps coming back. More on that later I guess.
Thinking someone was interested in me filled me up. Then during the course of the night, I realized I was mistaken and the person that messaged me was some random stranger, the picture they she sent just looked like the girl I wanted it to be.
**I felt foolish, small, crushed, and again unwanted and alone. I couldn't wake you and you hadn't answered my texts all day.
** Which brings me to today.
I fought wanting to talk to you all day. I'm afraid of seeming clingy, needy and weak. I'm afraid of the fact I feel clingy, needy and weak. I feel like I need you more than you need me, and it ruins me. Again, I tell myself it is all in my head, but the feeling is in my gut and it keeps crawling back. Doubt and fear....
** So tonight I asked John if he saw his divorce coming, and he said "no. Well, I had this feeling in my gut that shit wasn't right, but I thought we worked it out"
** This didn't help me. I confided in him that I was worried and felt in my gut that things weren't right between us. It was good to say, but I wouldn't say why I had that feeling.
** I can't talk to Cindy because she just keeps telling me I should be worried, and I don't want to hear it. No one that knows tells me it is going to be OK.*
** I always wind up berating myself for bot listening to my gut feelings because they are almost always right. I so want this to be wrong.
** I reflected fir a while on the song Pale Horses, and concluded that the reason the song made you sad is because you feel it too. We used to click. We danced the same dance, but now that is gone......
** Is it my fault? What can I do to dance your dance. How do I make you happy? How do I make me happy? Do I bury the feeling in my gut and find a way to fix this? Do I keep speaking out to you? I fear that telling you how I feel just drives you further away. But how can I fix this if I keep feeling hurt and sad because I think I'm losing you?
** I can't put on a happy face. Without the happy face, things just get worse. I feel like my emotions are going to smother us.
** How can I believe what you say when I keep feeling like the way you act isn't consistent with your words?
** I am overthinking it. I'm shrinking away from you to try and make it hurt less when you Finnaly leave me. If I keep it up, you probably will leave.
** But in a lot of ways, I feel like you already have.
** Self fulfilling prophecies.
19 Nov 620AM
Finally spoke with W this morning. Is it strange that most of what she wants to talk about is P, and I still feel a little better anyway? I'm actually in a good mood. Maybe I really am bi-polar????
** Still can't decided what to tell about my phantom chick mail episode, and this feeling like I am on the prowl for some affection. I should probably let her know, but things are already so.... Rough.
** *Say what you need to say? I'm not sure.
Addendum to the above, I am envious of P being able to take W and show her what he does. It may sound like a small thing, but it has always really bothered me that she will never*
Truly know what I do. It is some thing I think is important to be able to share. We work so much of our lives, you know?
**Maybe in time, I will learn to be happy for her when my metamours share or give her something I can't. That is probably the real key to all this. The truth is, it makes me sad that someone else gives her something I can't.
First lemme start with *HUG*. I'm really sorry you're going through that kind of torment. And from what I read, you definitely sound tormented. In reading, one thing came to mind over and over again. Why aren't you two talking about this?? I know that you said that there is some history that you didn't care to rehash, but if she's attempting to start a poly lifestyle, then shouldn't that be something that she's very open and honest with you about? Just like you need to be COMPLETELY open and honest about what you're feeling.
How long have you two been married? Has this topic ever come up before?
I can't say that your particular situation is going to be ok, as I don't know all the details. But what I can tell you is that this lifestyle is VERY possible when you have the right people involved. I say that because this life ISN'T for everyone and that's ok. Some people are wired for only being monogamous and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. This won't work if the issue is forced, ya know?
There are lots of wonderful people on this site that I'm sure will be able to offer excellent advice and words of wisdom. I hope you can find what you're looking for and don't beat yourself up because you can't wrap your brain around this yet. It's ok!!!
We do talk Danny, but I often feel like I'm overreacting, or shouldn't feel like I do. When we plunged into this lifestyle almost 2 years ago, I was cheerleading the whole thing. We invited another into our bed. We talked for a long time beforehand, and it was something that we both wanted. Not surprisingly, her friend and her fell for one another over time. Our MMF threesome turned into something between a V and a Triad. The love part was not intended, it just happened.
Come to now. Her first lover is long gone. She has found another, and this is purely a V. I know and like him, but I have little to no involvment. Her love and attention is divided between us, and as time goes on, I feel less and less connected to her. When I explain this, I always get the " I don't feel any different about you" response, and am made to feel like there is no reason for how I am reacting. Honestly, I don't know if there is a good reason. It's just this thing in my gut that tells me something isn't right, that she's slowly slipping away. My head argues with it, but my heart won't be quiet about it. I feel like we are stuck in this circular discussion of " I'm sad, scared, lonely" and her response of "I love you, you're being crazy"
We have been married for almost 13 years. I often know her and her heart better than she does. She doesn't need me or look at me the way she used to, and it terrifies me. I think I can see the change, and she is oblivious to it.
I was much more secure in the previous relationship where we were often in the same bed. I had a strong relationship with my metamour, and we often did things together.
There are more letters to follow. Thanks Danny for your response.
How long has your wife and her lover been together ?
Since july of this year Superjast.
19 Nov 1145
** Finished that talk with W about her road/work trip with P. There were some things that bugged me. Mostly that when he brought up having a fuck buddy, her response was "well then I should be able too also".*
.... After thinking about it for a second, It doesn't really bug me. It validates the way I feel. She explained the "what am I supposed to do when you are with someone else, when you could be with me" feeling that bothered me so much while I was at home alone and she was with him. So I know know she can really understand how I feel.
** I am still very skeptical that I could handle 2 or more full on relationships. I *feel like I would lose myself even worse than I already have. Yet, when I can't have the one I love, why should I not be able to get the affection I need?
** I still fear her reaction to this feeling I have. I don't want to push her away. I want and need her more than anything in the world, but my cup feels very half empty while she is away with P. I'm not ready to fill that cup with love of another, and need to work on finding my own happiness, but the affection and attention of someone that is in to me would go a kong way to soothing my battered heart.
** I also told her I need her to be more available to me. Feeling that she simply isn't interested in me is tearing me up, and I told her so. I believed her when she said she was sorry, mostly because she was hesitant to make s promise she couldnt keep, so she was being genuine..
Yes, affection from another does help but sometimes the long road of self discovery & love is better taken alone as then there's nothing there to distract one from the ultimate goal of loving ones self.
Your second paragraph, quoted above, hits home with me. I think this is a big part of what's going on with Breathes and myself.
Talk to her and keep talking to her. Don't mistake a bad initial reaction as the need to stop talking about the problem. Some of us react, then think.
I would recommend the book "The 5 Love Languages" (I got the audio download :)). It made a huge and immeidate difference for us.
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