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-   -   update on me (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=4260)

Brunetteangel03 11-19-2010 07:24 PM

update on me
hey all!

I know it has been awhile, but alot has happened since the last time I was here (august). Wow, where do I even start!

Ok well a brief summary of us and then the update. I met my bf at a local gay bar after he got back from Iraq, that was in July. His wife came back in August and we all soon hit it off very well. The relationships between all of us was amazing. I had a bf and a gf and was very happy. Late September they go pick up the kids(all 4 of them) in Utah. Well right before they went to Utah, they were having problems. She fell in love with someone in Iraq and they wanted to be exclusive.

So a few weeks after the kids got back they announced that they were getting a divorce and I lost a gf. I have been struggling alot lately, because I feel she has changed a lot since the time we were all together. She isn't very kind to my bf and I hate the way she treats him and yells at him. She has been decent to me lately after my bf pointed out how much help I provide them with the kids and all. I really don't mind, I love kids and the kids are pretty awesome. They have adapted to me well, the twins (5 yr olds) don't really understand everything, but the two older boys do (11 and 9). My bf and I don't have to hide the relationship around them anymore, just when we are on post.

The divorce papers are to be drawn up on the 30th and signed. I just really miss what we all had. She was totally awesome and now I miss that person and that time. I know I need to move on with it all, but that was my first triad and one of the best gf I've had.

Danny40179 11-19-2010 07:38 PM

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. I have no words of advice, but can offer a shoulder should you ever need to talk. *hug*

Brunetteangel03 11-19-2010 07:48 PM

thank you. my bf and i are still doing well though. I just need to find a way to move on and I know with time I will. I just wish I felt comfortable talking to him about my hurt. But I am not sure if it is okay to discuss my feelings about it because I know he is hurting too, he was married to her for 12 years!

Danny40179 11-19-2010 07:52 PM

Wow, that's a long time. I've been with my wife for that long and I couldn't fathom her not being around. Maybe talking about the loss you BOTH feel will help things. It may help you both sort out your own individual feelings.

I've really never seen where communication is a bad thing. Worst case scenario, he tells you he's not comfortable talking to you about it. At that point, maybe there's a friend whom you could confide in? Or, use the resources available to you here. We may not know you, but I'm sure we can sympathize with what you're going through.

Brunetteangel03 11-19-2010 08:01 PM

I am sure he wouldn't be uncomfortable discussing it at all. We are a very open and honest couple. I just feel I need to take his feelings into consideration, he has been with her for 12 years and I was only with her for 2 months. I just wish I knew the person she was before Iraq. He says that she is just a totally different person and is probably lost, not even knowing who she herself is. We are still friends, but it is difficult now, I am sure she isn't aware of how much I felt/feel for her. She isn't very open with communication and is a bit rough around the edges. It is also hard because she is around all the time, because they have 4 kids together and she comes over after work to be with them, that will change once the divorce is done though.

Danny40179 11-19-2010 08:10 PM

This is all still new to both of them so I'm sure things are all kinds of unstable. I think it's great that you're taking his feelings into consideration. It's what any good gf would do, but talking about it may be what he needs. Especially with his gf.

In case you couldn't tell I'm an avid fan of communication. :) Again, I wish you the best of luck.

gomugirl1656 11-19-2010 09:39 PM

"But I am not sure if it is okay to discuss my feelings about it because I know he is hurting too, he was married to her for 12 years!"-Brunetteangel103

Resolution in a situation comes more smoothly when a person feels they aren't alone in their situation. Perhaps you can relate to each other in how you feel. It can't hurt to ask if it's ok if you talk about your feelings with him. A straight forward question, since you love and miss her and may feel betrayed and angry as well. He may find he relates to you and you can work through the mutual feelings together.

I agree with Danny here, transparent honest communication rarely goes amiss.

The wife is going through a lot now too, perhaps a show of support, acceptance of, and happiness for, her new relationship may ease the tension between you and renew a friendship knowing that you harbor no hard feelings may help ease her mind.

This can't be easy for her. It sounds like exclusivity was the new love's idea. Is that what I read, or were they mutual on this? Knowing that she has hurt both of you is probably present in her mind and may bother her but her main concern now would be to move on with the choice she has made.

Will there be a custody issue? Certainly that must be on everyone's minds and no one easily walks away from a 12 year or even a close two month relationship without some regrets.

I hope you find peace in this situation. We are here for you if you need to talk about your feelings. Let your R/T friends outside the situation be there for you as well. I don't know what your support system is like but use the resources you do have. You aren't alone I would imagine many if not all of us have had something similar happen. Support him, Support her (if you can and she is open to that in a platonic way) but don't forget you are as important in this equation. Take care of yourself, if you don't you won't have enough to give. This is a grieving process and it takes time so be patient with yourself. (((hug))):)

GroundedSpirit 11-19-2010 11:03 PM

Hey Angel,

Sad..........so sad.

War changes people.
Sometimes permanently.
Enough said.


Danny40179 11-20-2010 01:42 PM


Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 53172)
Hey Angel,

Sad..........so sad.

War changes people.
Sometimes permanently.
Enough said.


So true.

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