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-   -   left out of the NRE (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42597)

purpleboots 03-13-2013 02:57 PM

left out of the NRE
Hi again, so I posted a couple months ago about a meeting with my partner G's fwb, H, with whom I had also had a sexual relationship at one time. Since then, the relationship has progressed into a full blown triad and she is basically living with us. I know, I know, it was probably not a good idea to move so fast. When H first started staying over every night, all three of us were having sex often, she and G were having individual sex and she and I were as well. Since then, things have progressed to the point where threesomes are no longer happening, she and I haven't had sex in two weeks, G and I have had sex a couple times and I feel inadequate and boring compared to her, and like he'd rather be having sex with her, which he has acknowledged he would. They are caught up in crazy NRE right now, and I feel left behind and rejected. I know my envy/jealousy isn't rational, I'm trying to work through it but its HARD. Harder still that H is still quite seductive with me but clearly would rather be with G and becomes frustrated when I am present, making it difficult for her to have sex with G without hurting my.feelings.Half the week there is only one safe bedroom as we live with 3 children (the two older.ones only half the week) so there is no space but where I am often already asleep to have sex. My son, the youngest is nearly two and demands a lot of my time. I am also pregnant and feeling pretty hormonal. I want to feel ok when they have sex and I am out of the room, taking care of the baby, the house etc... I want to be able to spend the night in the baby's bed and give them some time alone in the bedroom. When I do, I have a difficult.time sleeping and I can hear them and its very painful. I just want it to stop hurting, I know its complicated. FWIW H and I have been spending lots of time together during the day while G is at work and get along great. She is very warm and loving towards me, sometimes seductive and we are compatible friends. When G gets home she can often be very moody and I feel as though she is frustrated that she can't have him all to herself, plus all the complicated unicorny stuff of course.I know its in my hands to own and deal with how I'm feeling. I just want them to be able to have as much sex as they want without feeling bad about hurting me. I read all the jealousy literature and still nothing is helping. Insight anyone?

learninginTN 03-13-2013 03:10 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting. I know dealing with NRE sucks sometimes, and the envy/jealousy you're feeling is very normal. Almost everyone here has had to deal with it, and it's often not easy during the NRE phase. Have faith that it WILL subside. In the meantime, some honest and frank communication with them can go a long way. You have to make it known that you need a little more attention.

It may even help to develop a schedule, and have her leave the house every now and then for you and hubby to reconnect. Sometimes during NRE you have to be insistent, and the others have to make a determined effort not to ignore your needs.

Hang in there. Post as often as you need.

purpleboots 03-13-2013 03:15 PM

Thanks for the reply. H has been good about giving G and I time to reconnect, actually. I think that what hurts most is that SHE doesn't want me in the same way that she wants him. He and I are pretty solid. I can't MAKE her want me, I can't even really ask her to. Bah. I really appreciate the support here, you guys are great.

purpleboots 03-13-2013 03:19 PM

Also scared that things will be similar once the new baby comes in June and I will be left nursing a newborn, not sleeping, no time and they will just be carrying on in their little bubble without me. Ugh I'm so insecure and pregnant right now. G keeps saying I should just 'kick her out' once the baby is born, I don't like that solution at all, but the pain seems unavoidable. I want to power through it. I want to learn and grow with it.

learninginTN 03-13-2013 03:33 PM

What is the intention once the baby is born? You say this is a full-blown triad. Do all three of you intend to share parenting responsibility with the baby? If so, then they definitely need to back off on the sex and help you as much as they can. If not, you'll become resentful, and even more hurt, and that's certainly not a healthy environment for you or the baby.

Some frank conversations with them are needed, I think. If G was really being serious when he mentioned kicking H to the curb, you guys need to have some serious heart-to-hearts about what the plan is. Having a baby is not the time to be having a tumultuous living situation.

purpleboots 03-13-2013 03:52 PM

You're right, we all need to talk about what the plan is. When we discussed her moving in, starting to pay rent here in May, I mentioned (warned?) That living with a newborn is not easy, but that's as far as the conversation went. She is currently in a sort of 'aunt' or family friend role with the kids, its too soon for her to be a 'new parent' to them, I think. It's not at all weird for them that she is here all the time, they are used to lots of adults around, their mom had roommates, etc.. We also cosleep, with a bassinet in the room, but the newborn will be in our bed most nights, she is aware of that too. I don't think she is expecting to/wants to totally coparent, but has been very helpful with the kids thus far. I'm.sure this is all very intense for her too, she is in her early 20s and was up until now not considering a family, living a typical free-bird, partying young student lifestyle. Now, seeing G, the man she loves, with his children, she is feeling her ovaries twitching, I'm sure its very overwhelming for her. I've been there, I went through a similar experience when I myself met G, he tends to have that effect on our childless peers. I joke that if he were a superhero he would be procreation man, inspiring everyone he meets to reproduce. They always use protection, G does not want to impregnate her anytime soon, in case youre worried... Anyway, I'm rambling, but I'm also feeling a little less at sea knowing that I'm not alone and I'm not failing at poly.

kdt26417 03-14-2013 02:33 AM

You're definitely not failing at poly, you're kind of getting the short end of the stick though I can see that G and H are both putting forth some efforts to help. NRE can be quite a drug and can impair people's judgment. Increase the amount of communication between you, G, and H if you can. Let them know what you're feeling and why. Maybe they can't fix all of it, but maybe they can help with some of it. Let them express their feelings as well and be a good listener.

I hope things will get a little easier, and that you'll keep us posted here and let us know how we can help.

Kevin T.

purpleboots 03-19-2013 02:20 PM

Yesterday started off wonderful. H and I lazed around in the morning, had great sex, took the baby to the pool. We made dinner for the family, H and G went out with some friends. I felt appreciated, not left out, safe, good. H has been more affectionate with me the past week and warmer with me when I'm upset and its made a huge difference. They got home around midnight last night. I have a cold and was having trouble sleeping but wasn't even bothered by listening to them have sex on the pullout couch in the living room right outside my bedroom door. I was proud, feeling some compersion, all good stuff. They fall asleep in the living room and, still not able to sleep, iu venture out t dispose of the condom so the kids don't see it. There is no condom. They didn't use one. I know he came inside her, I heard it. She is likely ovulating. Wtf. Seriously, Wtf. I can't trust them, H might be pregnant. I'm not ready for that. The kids arent ready for it. G had a condom, were they trying? Without taking me or the family into account? The brief conversations I had w them this morning lead me to believe they were intending to get her pregnant. G overslept and missed the school bus. They drove the kids to school, wouldbt let me drive because of a snowstorm and my emotional state. I want to talk to G but he is at work and was being evasive and defensive this morning. I'm losing my mind over here. Bah

Natja 03-19-2013 02:33 PM

I don't really think you can make a call as to whether she chooses to reproduce or not, your mutual partner obviously has, but he has chosen to choose to either take the risk or reproduce. Either she has full and equal rights, which includes the right to reproduce or her needs and desires are second to yours?

What is it?

purpleboots 03-19-2013 02:46 PM

Well, its only been two months and obviously, its not my decision, but it seems a little soon. My co-parent G agreed to practice safe sex and then didn't. I realize its not up to me and I have to accept that I may end up living in a situation that is too difficult for my to handle. I don't think.its unreasonable.to feel like I should ve included in such a big decision that will alter my life permanently. I understand the reproductive rights aspect of this situation. I dont get to make a call about what they do with their bodies, they are free to reproduce if they want and I am free to leave. I don't want to leave. I don't want to lose my family. I am a stay at home mom of toddler and two half time stepchildren. I don't have a lot of resources. I'm scared. I'm confused. I feel betrayed.

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