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-   -   How to avoid the let down feeling? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=42551)

atxcouple76 03-12-2013 08:57 PM

How to avoid the let down feeling?
Hello and thanks for taking the time to view our post. My husband and I are new to the poly life. We have only been looking for someone to become a part of our relationship for a couple of months. However, it has been slow going. I know that this is very common and it could take years to find someone that is a good match for us. I also know that it can be unlikely that we will ever find anyone we both like, that also likes the both of us.

My question... Is there a way to avoid the sinking, let down feeling when there is no activity? By activity I mean interest in us...email, messages, getting to know someone. It seems like we have hit a "dry spell." If that makes any sense. We look on all of the suggested website, dating groups, and message boards. But sometimes we get the feeling this is never going to come. Right now we would be happy with a friend to hang out with, and just get to know. I worry that my husband might eventually give up. Does anyone have any advice for us?

Thanks and have a wonderful day!

Married couple from Austin, Texas
Her: Bi and 36
Him: Straight and 36

AnnabelMore 03-12-2013 10:16 PM

Here's my take.

You could say that I'm a unicorn. I'm a hot (I'd like to think) bi chick without a primary partner who actually has a huge thing for couples (honestly, people often seem to find this a little odd but I greatly get off on the energy between long established partners).

I recently redid my OKCupid profile because I wanted to consider dating again and, in the course of doing that, I looked at a lot of other people's profiles. I found a few very interesting looking people, but then crossed them off my list immediately. I will never message them.

Why? because it's clear that theywere unicorn hunters -- halves of couples that think of themselves as a package deal and are looking to add/grow/find someone to join their relationship (what does that even mean... wouldn't we be forming new relationships, not just "expanding" an old one?).

I refuse to enter a situation where if I'm interested in a person (a serendipitous enough occurrence) I'll the expected to get involved with another person. No way am I down for that sort of expectation or pressure. Gross. Not to mention the millions of incredibly unpleasant and dysfunctional unicorn hunting stories I've read here... it's just not a functional or healthy paradigm.

On the other hand, I'm meeting a lovely guy I met on OKC this coming Monday. Hopefully sparks will fly. ;) He has a partner already, he told me she's been gleefully teasing him about his excitement over me. Frankly, she sounds like my kind of gal! Maybe down the line I might even want to get to know her better too. But, if there had been some sort of implication that that was being sought or expected, I never would have messaged him in the first place. It'll happen if it ends up being right for all three of us when/if I get to know her, but it won't be a cloud of "one of us or neither of us" over my head until then.

All of this is to say, I think you are going about things the wrong way. Maybe if you release your expectations for a certain configuration you'll find wonderful experiences that are more free form and, who knows, maybe even unexpectedly become what you originally were seeking (but don't count on it... that's the key!!).

Natja 03-12-2013 11:46 PM

Totally agree with what Annabel has said and to add that I have also been a Unicorn and I would never, ever do it again, ever....

Just going by the various profiles (I am a prolific profile reader), I will not reply to anyone who wanted to 'add' me to their relationship, wants me to 'complete' them or has a profile which has 'us' and 'we' everywhere, which is just an extension of the couple front.
It's a very difficult relationship type, the hard part of this is not finding someone, it's getting it to work.

GalaGirl 03-13-2013 12:16 AM

Is there a way to avoid the sinking, let down feeling when there is no activity? The only way I can think of? Not date.

Even when single, dating has patches of no activity. It's not exclusive to poly dating. It's part of dating risk. You hang a shingle out and nobody answers. Or people answer and you feel meh about it.

Rather than try to avoid the feeling of disappointed it is not more fun, how about learning to process it? Let it come as it comes?

And / or change your dating options from "seeking a triad member" to "we are open to..."

"we are open to a "V" thing" with one or the other or both as a hinge
"we are open to a triad"
"we are open to just friendship."

Not have a profile page like a couple, but each have your own? Could that serve you better?


ThatGirlInGray 03-13-2013 03:54 AM

I read your post in the Meetings and Events sections because I thought it was going to be about a general poly meetup or event in the Austin area. Having read it, I didn't reply because:

- I am not a poly woman looking to date.
- I am not half of a couple trying to open our relationship. I am already part of two couples and any further opening is a possibility for the future but not happening at this time.
- While we are trying to move to Austin, we are not currently local to you, which is what you said you wanted/were looking for.

I would say you are being far too specific about what you are looking for. You also (at least in what I've seen you post here) are not saying anything about what you bring to the table- what do you feel is awesome about yourself that should make me want to get to know you? Because frankly, being half of a couple trying poly for the first time makes you quite common around here. Maybe you're doing more to let people know who you are on actual dating sites, I have no way of knowing.

Here's the other part: I, personally, do not do online dating. I know it's worked for some people here, but I still find that the best way for me to meet people is to get out and DO things. I'll bet Austin has QUITE a social scene, poly or not, for you to get involved in. To me it's much easier to determine if I'm interested in getting to know someone in person rather than by reading text on a screen. So if websites, dating groups, etc aren't getting you the connections you want, why not go out with your husband and have some fun? Go sing karaoke or paint pottery or take a dance class. You'll get to have a good time with your current partner and if you meet someone interesting, BONUS!

atxcouple76 03-14-2013 12:12 AM

Thank you everyone for your thoughts on the horrible post I wrote. I am sorry that is was not worded right. I should have avoided posting anything until I was more informed about things. I thought honesty was the way to go...lay everything out on the table from the very start that way there was no misunderstanding. I thought it would be more attractive to others if my husband and I had a profile together, instead of separate. I was completely wrong I guess.

I am sorry even bothered to post anything. Sometimes lurking is the only way to go.

nycindie 03-14-2013 02:28 AM

Why so prickly and defensive? People took the time to offer you very kind, constructive feedback aimed at helping you in your quest. What an ungrateful slap.

Good luck. You will need it.

BoringGuy 03-14-2013 03:31 AM


Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 190686)
Why so prickly and defensive? People took the time to offer you very kind, constructive feedback aimed at helping you in your quest. What an ungrateful slap.

Good luck. You will need it.

Especially since this thread specifically ASKED "how to avoid the let down feeling". It isn't like people came in and pissed all over someone's blog.

And I thought *I* had a monopoly on pessimism around here... (no pun intended this time)

NovemberRain 03-14-2013 04:54 AM

For what is worth, I didn't think her response was all that prickly and defensive. I was hoping she could take the answers in the spirit that they were offered (and asked for). But that response sounds to me like a little kid who says, 'HAY GUYZ, look at this cool new shiny I know how to do?' 'oh, but do you have any tips so I do it shinier?' And we all pointed out, from our own experience and wisdom (okay, not me, but you guys) how her shiny is not all that shiny, really it's a dime a dozen and oh by the way, here's how to do it better.

So, atxcouple76, I hope that was sincere disappointment, and not snarky stuff. I do hope that you are able to hear that the folks who took the time to spill their hearts to you, were actually spilling their hearts. They WANT you to have happiness. And you did ask. It's often hard to hear the answers, especially when they so very different than what we thought they might be.

And after all that, I'm fond of this article for an explanation, too.

GalaGirl 03-14-2013 05:08 AM

There is nothing wrong with your post. :confused:

And there was nothing wrong in you guys wanting to date and trying something out like a shared profile for an approach.

You gave it a whirl. It did not give you the results you hoped for. So... you ask for input for how it could serve you better. You received some input. I assume you were also googling methods on your own and/or asking around others. You could now assess from the new options and and try the best sounding/most doable at this time new option to see if it yields better outcomes for you.

It's just the decision making process. It does not have to be a biggie. Could take heart and not talk down to yourself or about yourself. :(



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