Charting new territory...
I am fairly new to this lifestyle and need some advice from experienced folks…
Let me break it down….
My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We are a gay male couple. I love him dearly and can honestly see spending the rest of my life with him. At the beginning of our relationship I was very adamant about being a one-on-one couple despite the fact that my partner had been involved in two previous relationships where he was “the third.” It was new to me and, frankly, I was insecure. He nonetheless complied. As time has passed, I became open the idea of opening up the relationship. We currently are going on 2 years as an open couple. The primary rule we follow is that our time planned together is precious and not to be intruded on. We are very respectful of each other and the situation seems to come natural for us. However, the three way thing doesn’t work well for us because we are polar opposite “types” and we are also attracted to different types. I have met some really great people since we have opened things up and made some friends etc. But, as you all know situations arise that we never could have predicted...
A bump in the road….
About 6 months ago, I met this wonderful man who I have fallen hard for. We also have become great friends in the process. He does not like my lifestyle but accepts it because we are in love. He knew from day one about my long-term partner, but he does not want to talk about him, but also does not pressure me to leave him. The new guy says that I am all he needs and doesn’t need to look elsewhere. But...
Here is the issue…..
The problem that I am having is that I am insanely jealous of my new partner. When he flirts with others… when I see him on hook-up sites… when he talks about past boyfriends etc. What kills me is his online profiles still say that he is single. In a nutshell, in my mind, I want him for me and only me. It just seems totally hypocritical on my part, but my nature is taking over. It seems that my development towards a polyamorous lifestyle has taken a huge step back.
I know that this lifestyle is difficult and many of you have had these same emotions. Please share, give advice or thoughts to my situation and how you have dealt with these crazy emotions.
If you have any questions I will check the board periodically. Thanks for reading this.
There is much written on here about jealousy. I suggest doing a search for it in the search engine and looking at the stickies for some really good threads.
the good news is that you are not alone and it is not uncommon to be jealous... people approach it several ways, but there seems to be a consensus to walk right through it, pull it apart and see what the fear is... usually it is an unmet need, such as enough time together, not enough boundaries set that make a person safe, not enough history together yet, enough attention and trust... that sort of thing, but it can also be that one person is more in love with the other than the other is with them, or that they feel there is some sort of outside threat.
I am not suggesting that any of these fit, but something will and it's a matter of finding it. I would suggest not avoiding it, but sitting in it and really letting yourself feel what it is like to be jealous. I do this alone, and then bounce it all off someone else. That seems to help me. Whatever works for you is the best bet.
I think jealousy can stem from insecurity - so if you are insecure about a given relationship, you are afraid of losing it, and so you are upset (jealous) by something that appears to threaten it. I think the best cure is addressing the insecurity itself... if you figure out what aspects of the relationship or of your personality or your partner's actions are contributing to the insecurity, and address those, I bet the jealousy will go away.
I think jealousy is ore likely to occur in a new relationship than a more established one. You're not afraid of losing your long term partner because you know he won't leave you. However you're not so sure about the new one.
One thing is that he seems to be monogamous. If he is, then, and he finds someone else, who is also monogamous, there is the risk of hm leaving you for that other guy. With a poly partner there is less worry because you know that even f they find someone else, they have no reason to leave you.
And as I said, it's less established. With your long-term partner, leaving you means a lot more due to your history. With this new one, it looks like he could cut ties rather easily and be done with it... He doesn't even tell other people he's with you! It's like officially, your relationship doesn't even exist. I'd be insecure too!
I think it makes sense in some way to be more jealous of people when you know they're not looking for other partners. Provided you're not secure with the fact that they won't find anyone else, I mean. Because if they do meet someone, contrarily to the people who are looking, are prepared, have planned for it and know they'll stay with you, these people will be taken by surprise and might choose the new person over you.
I think you need to work with him at strengthening your relationship. You could tell him that you mind his status is shown as single, because you feel he's trying to hide you or something. That could be a beginning.
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