Polyamory is hard...
Hello all, I'm new here and I need some advice on this relationship I'm in. Okay first off, I'm 22, I've been with one girlfriend for 8 years now, we are perfect for each other except she is asexual. She has always told me that it would be perfectly fine to start an open or poly relationship, yet this was not something I wanted because generally I'm a very jealous person. Well, it turns out I've met another girl I click with quite well and have somewhat involved her in our relationship. My original gf is okay with this, but she doesn't like my choice in partner. also, she says she doesnt care what I say or do with the new girl, as long as she knows she has my heart... what if I do love the new girl though? My new partner and I have never met irl, however we spend all day talking and being on webcam and we get along really well. Is there any hope that this could work out? The new girl is willing to give my original girl a chance, however since my original girl hasn't shown any interest in her, she thinks there is no room in her heart for her. I feel so divided. I want to make them both happy, give them both all of my attention but idk it's soooo hard. They both want all of my attention. I feel like I'll never be able to make them both happy at the same time. This new girl is coming to move in with us in a few months and I'm so worried about how things will turn out. Another problem I'm having right now is extreme jealousy. What if the two of them do end up liking each other? I don't think that would hurt me unless it seemed like they wanted to spend more time with each other than me, is this normal for someone new to poly relationships? the idea of having a 'primary' and a 'secondary' makes me feel awful.. how will I ever be able to keep these ladies happy? I'm sure I have more to rant about but I'm in class right now... anyone have any advice for this situation? I'm stressing so bad over all of this, between work, school, and these ladies I have no time to think or do anything anymore!
You could put the brakes on this idea of this person you have never met in Real Life coming to live with you in your home with you asexual GF.
You seem to be expecting there to be a triad thing. Do they share your expection? No.
Your current GF is not keen on your Other. She also wants full claim on your heart and your time and attention. Sounds like maybe a 1A model for her?
The Other also wants your full time and attention. Willing to be involved with the GF -- like what? Does not state model.
You know do not want a primary-secondary thing. What DO you want?
What DO you guys each want for an open model? Is it compatible even? You do not sound like you have agreements on what open model relationship you will have.
You struggle to give two people your 100% time and attention. It is not possible to give. This is a limit of the Universe. Love may be infinite but you only get 24 hours in a day. YOU need time to do your own self care things. So you do not burn out.
You could be more careful of your own well being and healths -- mental health, emotional health, physical health, and spiritual health. You want to tack on the other dimensions of wellness? That's your financial health, environmental health, and social health.
How could bringing this new person into your home and your relationship impact your financial health? Your home environment health? Your social health with your polyshipping people? If things go kablooey, what's the price to pay in all those healths?
My mental health?
My emotional health?
My physical health?
My spiritual health?
My financial health?
My environmental health?
My social health?
You do not sound like you have taken that assessment yet.
Could hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. You do not sound like you are fully prepared if you have fears that are not resolved enough for you to be willing to take risk.
You do not sound like you are full prepared for pitfalls and how to handle it should they arise. Jealousy also seems to be a worry. You KNOW you are a very jealous person. So why do you enter into an open relationship (model yet to be determined) that will poke the bear much more than staying in a Closed model?
Could ask yourself some soul searching questions:
So my advice would be to put the brakes on any kind of living together and get fit for this first -- read, learn, get prepared better. Not just you, ALL of you. You do not polyship alone.
You all could choose "Open Fit, Compatible, and Strong" rather than choose "Open all Wonky" with a standard in place for HOW you agree to be together.
That may be hard to hear, but know I mean it kindly. I do wish for you to succeed in your endeavor! :)
Could just think on HOW you want to approach polyshipping with your people some more is all. Talk to them both. You are 22 -- that is a grown up in my book. But while a grown up, you have only had dating experience of the First GF.
Before launching right into the new cohabitating mission, all could take the time to prepare better and stack the odds toward success -- a harmonious polyship.
And before you do that, you could take the time to sit with yourself and assess what you want for your 20's decade romances.
Wow! Thank you so much for all the useful advice Galagirl. I have browsed through the sites and they really intrigue me. I'm going to pass them on to my loves and see if they will look through them too and maybe we can all come to an agreement on what we want. So far, all I know is that they both want me! I think something my original gf has going for her is her amazing confidence and she has no jealousy issues whatsoever. She knows she is great :p However myself and the new girl are going to need to work on that! I'm not sure if we will put the breaks on her coming to live with us, and they both seem okay with that idea. I'm just worried it will weird both of them out seeing me with someone else. Emotionally i am truly exhausted right now, but I thnk a lot of that comes from being new to this all. We all are new to it so we aren't quite sure what to do with ourselves. I figure talking through it will not do any harm but to bring us all closer together! Okay to answer some of those questions
Are you staying with first GF because you wish to be with her, or are you staying with her because of habit? - I am definitely staying with her because I adore her completely. She is my everything. We are as compatible as two people can be.
Are you considering polyshipping because you really want to be polyshipping or because you do not want to break up with her?- I am considering this because i've always known it was an option and I finally found another person that I'm willing to share all I have with.
Are you prepared to deal with your jealousy?- I am prepared to deal with it. I believe it's something that can be overcome and it would relieve a great deal of stress for me if I could.
Gosh those questions and links really do help, so so much. I hope it all works out, and I will do my best to make sure it is so. Thank you so much Gala!!! Any other advice or links would be appreciated as well, from anyone else. Thanks ^_^
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