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-   -   Confusion in the marriage (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=425)

keiokaki 06-27-2009 06:57 PM

Confusion in the marriage
 
I am polyamorous i was a poly before i knew what a poly was. I've always known I could love two people equally and at the same time and always thought i was strange for this. Recently I have been able to get my husband to someone understand and consider the possibility. He says he's fine with it and he thinks it oculd be fun and he trusts me and all that jazz but i still don't know. Knowing that a polyamorous life style is possible makes me feel happy, complete and validated. I feel like there is a part of me that I can finally express but am afraid that my hsuband is only considering it for me and that it will cause a problem with in our marriage. I'm not sure what to do and I don't know how to get his true feelings about it out of him. sigh i just don't know what i'm doing. I've read everything i can to try and figure out how to talk to him but all the things i wanna say keep circling in my head and are hard to get out.

MonoVCPHG 06-27-2009 07:30 PM

I absolutely love the concern you have for your husband:D Obviously you value sustaining what you have. Perhaps having him read the stories of people online will help "put him in the headspace" of people who have similar experiences.

I remember giving my ex wife total support in exploring a relationship with another woman. The night she spent there was the longest and hardest in our relationship for me to the point of physical illness. I got caught up in the sexual aspect and didn't really think it through. She never pushed enough to get beyond my horny thought pattern LOL!

Eventually you will have to trust in what he is saying but I would explore this topic with him extensively before acting on it. Some things cannot be taken back. If a love's energy changes they are almost helpless to recover sometimes. You are doing the right thing with the right approach though I think...he obviously loves you a great deal. People often humble me in so many ways on here.

Take care.

foxflame88 06-27-2009 08:27 PM

I found that something that really helps me to get my thoughts out is to keep a journal, because I can release my thoughts w/o interuption or distraction that can come from a spoken conversation. Maybe sharing your written thoughts with your husband will help? And then you can discuss afterward? I think it is wonderful that you desire to be so open w/ him. Good luck finding the medium that works best for both of you.

keiokaki 06-27-2009 10:11 PM

Thank you both i needed the opinions of others, he told me he is second guessing cause our sexual trails had all ended bad but i explained to him that this isn't even about sex and that if he ever had a problem with anything that was it, he makes all the final desicions, because i don't ever wantto force him to do something for me. He said he's going to think about it and i told him that we wouldn't try seriously finding anyone till he was comfrontable and that he should ytry reading some things, lol thats all i've been doing today is reading

Quath 06-28-2009 04:30 AM

Yeah, when I was younger I wasn't quote sure what I wanted. I knew I was not monogamous though I would never cheat. So I thought that just mean swinging. Yet everyone always had these horror stories about swinging. Most of them were about someone accidentally falling in love with another person or someone not able to handle it after all.

When I finally discovered polyamory, I liked the idea that it was mostly about the relationship itself. I realized some of the problems of swinging were not really there for polyamory. Mostly in polyamory, the focus is on communication to solve issues. I also saw it as having good stability as long as people were communicating.

keiokaki 06-28-2009 03:28 PM

does anyone know of any good rescources for infromation about polyamory maybe in video formatt lol it will be hell to get my husband to read lol

Quath 06-28-2009 05:05 PM

I started to listen to podcasts when my commute grew very boring. There are some good podcasts, though the only one dedicated to polyamory I listen to is Polyamory Weekly. So if travels, that podcast is very interesting.

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2009 02:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keiokaki (Post 2278)
but i explained to him that this isn't even about sex

Sorry, but I'm a little confused by this statement.

If taking a new relationship to the sexual level is not important then why is this an issue? Do you think he would be concerned if you had a deep non-sexual relationship? Monogamous couples can have deep outside friendships.

I agree polyamory is not all about sex, but polyamorous relationships involve sexual intimacy.

Seeing how this is not about sex, what do you really want from these new relations and why would he object if you simply said "I won't have sex"?

keiokaki 06-29-2009 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 2328)
Sorry, but I'm a little confused by this statement.

If taking a new relationship to the sexual level is not important then why is this an issue? Do you think he would be concerned if you had a deep non-sexual relationship? Monogamous couples can have deep outside friendships.

I agree polyamory is not all about sex, but polyamorous relationships involve sexual intimacy.

Seeing how this is not about sex, what do you really want from these new relations and why would he object if you simply said "I won't have sex"?

well no see he thinks i want to be this way so i can have sex with women because i infact have a boob fetish, but i tried to explain to him that I don't want that. Infact in anytime that sex becomes invovled i wouldn't want to do it without him because i don't feel satisfied with out hum on the other hand i could give a damn what he does cause it wouldn't make me jealous or anything. To me i want my relationships to be about a strong bond rather than sexual gain. The idea of my husband holding me and me holding someone else or visa versa just makes me happy inside

MonoVCPHG 06-29-2009 06:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by keiokaki (Post 2343)
. The idea of my husband holding me and me holding someone else or visa versa just makes me happy inside

I understand, thank you. Sorry if I offended. That is a warm visual and one filled with emotion.

I wish you the best:)


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